Why we need one day to celebrate women

I was walking up the stairs of a hotel venue for an event when I overheard this and couldn’t stop myself from turning around to listen. A mother of a girl, about 5 years old, was telling another older woman about how the boys she was playing earlier with in the residential colony wanted to run. And when she tried to join them they told her that she cannot run because she is a girl. The girl seemed distraught at being discouraged by her peers. And her mother was trying to tell her that she can do what she likes and being a girl had nothing to do with it. Since they knew I was listening to this, I reassured the little girl that girls can do anything they want and she shouldn’t let anyone tell her otherwise.

Even though this was just a passing incident, it did stay in my mind even weeks later. I thought the world has progressed. Women are equal. Girls are educated just like boys are. At least the modern educated parents are teaching their boys to treat girls with respect, as equals. Where did these little boys learn that girls cannot run because they are girls. From the grown ups around them, obviously. I felt something break inside me - I think the hope that I had of change in attitudes for girls at least from the generation of these kids. 

I am sure these are the very parents who tell their boys not to cry like a girl. And then when these boys and girls grow up, we complain about boys treating girls inferior and committing crimes against them. Who taught them that girls aren’t worthy of equal respect? Sadly, even parents from better income and education don’t seem to be creating a level playing field let alone ignorant and less educated people from less fortunate economic backgrounds. 

So where does the change start? Actually, nowhere! A woman’s/girl’s status remains where it was. Yes, we have more freedom today. But we also have ruthless rapists proclaiming that girls alone are responsible for rapes. You step out and you deserve to be physically violated just because you are a girl. And your place is to sit at home and take care of everyone. You walk out at night and you risk becoming another Nirbhaya. Worse still, a nameless victims lost in the pages of police case histories. 

Yes, we have better education and almost equal opportunities. But we also have parents telling their boys that you can run while a girl your age cannot. We are hammering home the difference between genders even before kids probably understand the difference. We have already laid the foundation for these little girls to grow up and begin their fight with the system and society to give them equal rights. Which they are never going to get, anyways. 

And I feel this deep prejudice about girls is a part of the DNA of our civilization. And there are seemingly harmless ways in which it manifests itself but nevertheless adds to the bigger picture. To me, even a seemingly harmless comment on a woman’s mood swings just because she goes through hormonal changes (even though her outburst might have nothing to do with being a woman) is an example of it. It’s like she is not a human at all. Just a gender going through vagaries of humour that the female race is generally wont to. 

Even today, it’s a girl who leaves her parents to live with her husband and his family. And before I hear dissenting voices about what a shit load of crap this allegation is, I’d like to say that I am yet to see a husband pack his bags to live at his wife’s! No matter how independent a woman is, she is the one still torn with guilt between home and job. Men have been a huge help, no doubt. But I guess holding ourselves responsible for keeping a perfect home and proving ourselves in our career seems to have been ingrained in our unalterable DNA too. 

And while I was still ruminating about all this, out comes the controversial Nirbhaya documentary rams right into the face of rigid mindsets. At the outset, I am no legal, social, diplomatic expert to comment on the right and wrong of the making of the film. I am looking at it from how I felt watching it. And how it connects to my existing thought process. My first reaction was a deluge of questions: why would anyone want to rake the ugly past of the incident and make a documentary? Why? And why would the parents want to recount and relive the ordeal just because someone wants to make a film? Why...oh why would you give voice to a murderer masquerading as a rapist who should have been silenced by now for his fiendish crime? 

Prima facie, the film looks like a very balanced view of putting together all aspects of the story speaking to all the people involved along the journey. But in hindsight, I am pretty sure it is a well orchestrated, craftily put together film to show exactly the stereotypes we are trying to fight. The abject poverty of the rapists (India is still a poor country), the cringe worthy, regressive views of the lawyers (India still treats women as inferior citizens) and the worst is the rapist mouthing the rapists’ anthem (deliberately stereotyping a rapist?) - women shouldn’t protest, the victim should be killed. And the dignified, aspirational parents of Jyoti Singh providing the perfect contrast to rapists who lost the battle of poverty while they tried to rise above it by educating their daughter. (a daughter, no less! Here, the emblem of changing India was brutally raped and killed. Can anything else sell better in the international market?)

(The documentary not just gives him an opportunity to speak but he becomes a popular news item and his views are proudly aired on every mainstream and social media. People criticized him but nevertheless brings him into the limelight and that’s not good news)

And this whole exercise just seemed to reinforce, globally, exactly the mindset and attitudes we are trying to fight. So you can cry hoarse about today being Women’s Day and the whole spiel that goes with her diverse, selfless roles. But the die has been cast even in the minds of young children that girls cannot run like boys. And it will always be derogatory to do thing #LikeAGirl. And that's why we need one day in a year to glorify women and give them back some self-respect, acknowledge their contributions through the year and make them feel valued. Because we go back to our narrow mindsets for the rest of the year. 

Nothing has changed since Jyoti became Nirbhaya.

4 things I have learnt about traveling safe as a woman

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I have traveled alone a lot of times in india, mostly on work. Initially, it did feel odd going to new places and managing on my own. But through the years, I have found a few things that help, especially if you are a woman traveling alone. I thought I could put down a quick list that can help others get sorted before a trip. It isn’t rocket science and there is nothing to fear even if it is your first outing by yourself with just a few basics in mind.

Before I begin my list, I want to point out that traveling within the country is a smaller challenge compared to traveling outside it - which is the topic for another post! In India, we can blend into crowds with ease which works to our advantage. Of course, if you are a fair North Indian, you will attract stares in Chennai! But by and large, it isn’t too difficult to gel along with these simple things to do.

1. Do your research. I generally don't do a lot of research about the culture and habits of people for Indian cities. We all have a fair idea about how things work in different parts of the country. You may definitely want to go through websites like tripadvisor.com for hotel reviews before you choose your accommodation. Or check it out in case your client booked it for you. Maps and travel websites help you reach a pretty fair estimation of the location and facilities of the hotel you are going to be in. Also, remember to come back and write a review on tripadvisor because you got to give back to the community as well.

2. Know your map: This is one thing that gives me the most confidence on my travels alone. It is pretty hard for anyone to mislead you or for you to get lost with this marvel of technology called Google maps. If you don’t have a data plan, it’s a good idea to activate it at least for the time you are traveling. I always look up the distance between destinations before I have to negotiate with the rickshaw guys. If you know your whereabouts you are less likely to be cheated by touts.

3. Be confident. Act like a localite. Yes, one look at your suitcase and people know that you are a traveler. And more often than not that acts as a signal to treat you as vulnerable. My suggestion is you walk out of the station/airport with your head held high with an air of confidence about you. Nothing holds people off like a confident woman! (and the converse is also equally true!). Plus your research back home should help you assume an air of authority.
 

Photo credit

4. Better safe than sorry. If you are a woman traveling alone, it’s not a good idea to pick up a very low cost hotel since it will reflect in the quality of their service and level of security. Here too, make sure that you act like a pro during check in. Keep your door bolted from inside at least when you go to sleep at night, just as a precaution. I usually put up the DND tag outside, when I am in the room to avoid anyone ringing the bell and also when I step out because I do not want anyone to get into my room when I am not around. And most decent hotels will respect your wish to remain undisturbed. (smaller cities have the facility but the staff is not polished enough to understand what it means and housekeeping will get into your room in your absence anyways). When not in your room, make sure you do not leave valuables like gadgets, watch, money etc and leave temptation staring up at the staff. Lock them up in the room safe or just zip them away in your bag.

I think I have covered the most important points that come to my mind. Are there any more that you can think of? Feel free to share your travel experiences in the comments below.

Flimsy Films - Bhootnath Returns

To begin with, it’s a delight to watch Big B on screen. His persona and charisma is still worth watching. The set of Bhootworld looks like a play setting but nice. The movie does start on a comic note. Kids not getting scared of a ghost is somehow supposed to be funny. Since most of the story is leaked during promotion, we kind of know the drift already. The problem occurs when you try to look for what you expected from the film - a fun ghost film with a kid. Just like the last film. But the movie takes a completely different turn this time.

The film does make a compelling case for voting. i’ll give it that. But then it ceases to be the sequel but just has the same characters telling a very different story. The film, very early on, loses its comic tone and gets serious and idealistic about voting and defeating criminal candidates. It just ends up being a dreamy Bollywood film, like Nayak, where you are expected to get carried away with the characters and indulge in fantasy - how India can change if people turned back from their election-day holiday trips and went voting, if they rejected bribes and did not give in to intimidation and voted for the right candidate. But the bhoot himself contesting elections seems to have taken it a bit too far. i was wondering how would the ghost run a govt if it he won. And the plot of the film will not let him lose!

What would have probably kept the original theme and comedy of the film alive was to have the supernatural power help out a good candidate win. The same thing could be shown in a lighter manner by making the bhoot become instrumental in getting people to do what is right. And convey it even by taking some potshots at the wrong candidate. It could still be a fun, adventurous roller coaster as Parth and Bhootnath play pranks as they go about showing the country what could be done instead of what the people are doing right now.

i wasn’t very happy with the way this one turned out to be. If you haven’t watched it yet, you haven’t missed much.

Elections 2014

i am no political commentator. And i don't know which party will really bring about the change that people have been waiting for. But i am so sick about the whole ruckus about the low voter turnout on twitter and elsewhere that i have to add my two bits to this shit.

Lets accept that the voter turnout has been abysmal in some metro cities. To me, even 50% plus is not upto the mark. Do people really not want to vote or did something else happen here? i think there’s a mix of various factors that’s led to this.

The first thing to be blamed is lack of intelligence in choosing the poll dates. What do you expect people to do when you schedule polls just a day before Good Friday? (as in Bangalore) Or on a Thursday when taking the next day off magically turns into an extended weekend? (as in Mumbai). People work really hard and it’s so difficult to care for the future of the country when you can have a little break now! So the choice of polling dates did nothing to help voter turnout.

People not turning up definitely shows a lack of motivation. Polling begins at 7am. So even if people want to take off they can always vote the first thing in the  morning and carry on with their plans. If you really believe your vote can bring change, there is nothing that can stop you from exercising your right. This shows no one really believes in the change story. Deep down we know nothing will really make a difference!

Another technical reason why thousands couldn't vote was the missing names in the voter list. Who is to blame for people who wanted to vote but couldn’t? Do we subtract that from the total voting percentage? Shouldn’t these things have been checked before hand to ensure that people don’t miss out because of something like?

Despite, all the “please vote” campaigns, it’s been quite a few years since any party got a majority mandate. The country has suffered due to coalition govts putting their needs ahead of the people’s and the ruling party trying to keep their supporters intact to prevent their govt from falling. So the circus of politics will not change under ideal 100% voting because the unanimity doesn’t emerge in the poll results.

Finally, times have moved ahead and everything’s gone online. Everyone has a smartphone. People spend hours on social networking sites. Offices have lost boundaries. You can buy vegetables online. Then why not consider an online voting system to keep up with the demands of changing times. It doesn’t matter to people who did not care to vote. But it could make a huge difference to the voting percentage of the country. 

I am just glad that Mumbai is done with the business of voting and we can go back to normal conversations from tomorrow.

Ogling - the favourite Indian pastime!

Ever felt a dozen eyes scan you from top to bottom as you step amidst people? You consciously glance at your well covered self wondering nothing seems to be evidently wrong with you. Yet stares, sometimes not so stealthy, keep coming back to settle on you. Don’t worry, you just experienced the favourite Indian pastime - ogling. Indians don’t mind staring at anyone. New neighbours, humans on transit systems, folks walking on the street, mortals in movie-theatres waiting to get inside the hall, persons standing in check-out queues of supermarkets, masses out for a walk in the park.....anyone at all. i suspect the ogling is more generous when the individual happens to be of the fairer sex (feminists excuse!). Being one, i go through it all the time. Even while passing through the street outside my house where i should no longer be a subject of study to the denizens around. But we are Indian and we Stare....just like that.

i always suspected we had this uncanny habit of making others feel uneasy with our unwelcome gaze. i found ample evidence to prove it exists amply in us when i began travelling by the Delhi Metro. i, more often than not, encountered stares as i entered the the train. The passengers already seated (and standing) seem to a find a new object for their goggling pleasure. i decided to check out the reaction of people around to others who got into the train after me. And Bingo!! No one's spared. We are Indian and we Stare....just like that.

All decency is thrown to the wind as a visual treat in the form of a girl in her mini-skirt walks in to the train just after her class at some Air hostess training center!

The habit comes back to haunt you and you realise how rude it could be when you go to countries where staring is not the national pastime. In a local metro train in Paris, i myself looking around at people in general. As a couple of them looked back i realised my looks might seem invasive to them. I wasn’t in saddi dilli where i could give free reign to my eyeballs!!

Uninvited looks, forget intrusive ones, can be quite rude in most countries of the world. A little experiment a la delhi metro in trains abroad surprised me that people don’t even normally look up to see who’s got into the train or who’s sitting in the next table at the restaurant. While travelling, they prefer to either read books or direct their stares at objects that wouldn’t mind it!! How many do we find reading on our transit systems? We’d rather indulge in visual gossip and make people conscious!!

I am trying to see the backside of the house.....

I cannot follow what you tell ma’am.... Can you please repeat again?

My name ij sudhasu.... I study in graduason 2nd yr and come here ....phor learn englis. Englis important...... phor job and in study

I phrom Bihar but live in dilli....i living alone....and cook myself phor dinner......

The above sentences represent the almost existential aspiration of every middle class and not so middle class Indian to spout the highest sounding language with the best foren accent. i’ve borne all this and been up close to that aspiration in every communication class of mine for about 2 yrs while i was in the garb of a Call Center Trainer (and even the rest of the years in other roles). That once ubiquitous, but now almost extinct tribe, was responsible for the metamorphosis of the Indian youth into an angrezi speaking workforce of some employer in the West.

Yes, English is important in today’s global world if you want to get ahead in life. But what’s it with Indian English that simply refuses to correct its grammar despite English speaking schools in every street corner and grammar classes in every locality of the country!! But alas the kind of English that even the so called educated class speaks ensures that aspiration remains pretty much what it is - an aspiration.

Grammar is taught right from the primary classes in our country. And great emphasis is laid on the propriety of usage of words and correctness of grammar. Everyone’s heard of Wren and Martin (not noticing how they turn in their grave when people blatantly flout all the rules of grammar they set down) whether or not the follow them. We are proud of following the Queen’s English as opposed to the slang version of Americans. Yet, the lack of expertise somewhere peeps in through the holes of unfamiliarity with the language during conversational English.

The first group i’d like to pick up are the representatives of firang counterparts - the call centre executives. Yes, Indians are very versatile and their tongues can be twisted to speak any accent. But most call centres that seek to offer help are badly marred by the poor language their executives speak. Even the ones that stand for reputed companies- from Dish TV to HDFC bank call centres and Airtel phone services. And this after, i am sure they have gone through training in language and accent skills. The only sentences they can spew with perfection are the stilted - “may I put your call on hold ma’am?” and “thank you for holding, we appreciate you patience Ms. Kher” or “thank you for calling Airtel, this is Charan Das, How may I help you?” or even more tedious “ is there anything else that I can help you with ma’am (when you answer in the negative, not having found a proper solution even to your current query), thank you for calling Airtel. We wish you a very pleasant day ahead”. Deviate one bit from their verbal screenplay and the cracks start emerging - lack of even basic conversational English!

Even if you look at the educated, office going category - even people who speak English on a daily basis make mistakes that are not expected of them. I got pulled by a sales executive of an international brand of cosmetics in a mall today. She dutifully pulled out lipstick testers and started applying on the back of my hand with helpful product info - “this lipstick also work as lip balm and have lip moisturiser, ma’am”. And I am like what the hell - error that’s so basic and we hope to attract international clientele with something like this!! ( I went hoarse all my training life explaining to my students that agreement of the verb with the subject is the life of a sentence - and Indians are champions in taking that life away!) some of the most atrocious announcements in the most horrendous English and accent happen in reputed chains like Big Bazaar!


The examples can be endless. Skills sets - most importantly, mastery over the global language - is a must if India with its workforce of 1.07 billion has to register its power in the international geo-political scenario. We have the people, we only need to equip them with the right skills. Being humans, speaking the right language has to be the first step.

(More post-mortem of the educated class English in future posts!)

The Big Fat Traditional Indian Wedding!!

It seems like ages since i sat down to write my blog. i was kinda busy with a big, fat, traditional Indian wedding.  i was aware all my life that an Indian Wedding is nothing short of a mini carnival.  But i seem to notice more of its details since i myself got married. Aunts and uncles, nephews and nieces, grand mums and grand dads, family friends and neighbours all descend out of nowhere to stand witness to the union of two bodies and souls.  There's a whole lot of shopping for clothes, jewellery, flowers, fruits, bookings for the venue, caterers, musicians, beauticians (even for men!) and mehendiwalis. Not to forget innumerable items to be bought for the ceremony itself depending on the tradition in which the wedding will be solemnised. Invitations to be selected, printed and distributed to a formidable number of relatives and long-forgotten friends. After all, a wedding invitation is a strong message of solidarity and unity towards all those who get it. (It is of great concern if there is a wedding of someone you know and you don't get invited!!) And then the management of the D-day itself to ensure that duties are delegated and all fronts well armed to handle any mishaps. The boy's side should have no reason to complain about anything. 

i also want to add that we are such slaves of tradition that i no matter where we are in the world, we home home to get married. Guess the feeling of being married doesn't register without the elaborate rituals. i know of a couple who met in the US and settled down there. But came back home to dare a gruelling and ponderous three day long ceremony that was required to declare them man and wife!! Smiling through the misery in the hot and humid month of June! After all, marriage is a social institution and it has to be social event as well! Warna log kya kahenge!! 

i find all this frenetic pace of activity very common across communities. (I've witnessed the union of both North Indian and South Indian souls!!) But then there can be an alternative way of this union. Go to the court and sign a register before the Magistrate (which is also not as simple as it sounds, trust me, but simpler than the traditional jingbang!) But can we ever conceive an Indian Wedding as humdrum as signing a register and it's all over!! Or is it?

At the end of the day, everyone heaves a sigh of collective relief. The coy bride is finally gone with her groom for a happily ever after married life.  The decorations are pulled down and all the relatives are gone into oblivion waiting to re-emerge in the next family congregation. The long day is over and the musicians have gone home. We don't need them anymore because the music will be made elsewhere! 

In the midst of frantic preparations for the event itself, we forget that this is not the end but the beginning for the two people involved. It doesn't matter which way you got married - traditional or registered (Trust me! I have been through both -  with the same person!!!!). Or how many guests ate at the feast or how expensive were the gifts everyone got. All that matters is the course of married life that the couple follows. Ironically, the entire swarm of relatives will be missing from the action when the two actually learn to co-exist with each other. The true challenge actually begins when all the romance of the courtship goes poof in the face of realities. There's much more to life after the initial euphoria of getting  married is over. One can make a good life and justify all the hullabaloo or just give up on the each other and be in the news once again for the wrong reasons - Seperation! 

Hum Hindustani!!

India is land of festivals. Almost everyday is celebrated by one or the other community somewhere in the country. We have a fair idea of the common festivals like Diwali, Christmas, Holi and Id. We know about lights, cakes, colours and Biryani! But there are a plethora of other festivals celebrated across India not just in other communities but also in our own. But we only have a vague idea about them. And most of us don't have the time or inclination to educate ourselves about the mythical significance or sagas that went into the making  of these special days.

As children, we have been a part of the preparations for special occasions. We have seen our mothers clean and decorate the house (we were only assistants back then!!), make sweets specific to the festival and tell us what to do on those days. We were only happy to gorge on sweets, rustling around in our new clothes! 

Born and lived in Bangalore for 16 yrs, i am at best a pseudo-punjabi and can't claim to be grounded in either culture. As a child, i have nibbled on neem leaves and jaggery for Ugadi, been part of Mahashivratri festivities and burst crackers for our own Diwali. Another decade in Delhi exposed me to a whole lot of festivals, more North Indian in flavour. The fervour of Navratras twice a year is a regular feature up north of the country. In fact, even we began the ritual of making halwa, puri and chhole for Ashtami - something that we didn't do while in Bangalore since that spirit was hardly palpable down south.  The festival Raksha Bandhan that i thought was just tying a thread turned out to be a huge festival in its own right. Sweet makers extend their stalls for at least a week in advance to cater to the demands around the festival. Diwali brought in even more feverish pace of festivities. 

Having been through the khichdi of Indian festivals, i am still not sure if i can really claim to know properly why even one of them is celebrated. What is the importance of the rituals or the sweets associated with the day. i wonder how equipped are we, as a Young Generation, to pass on those values to our kids. Will we, with our busy lifestyle, have the time, energy, inclination and motivation to teach our kids about the rich Indian festivals and why they are celebrated? Will i as a mother, sit my kid down on Onam and make floral rangoli outside my house? Will we be able to educate them about the importance of Durga Pooja, Easter, Vishu, Gudi Padwa? Will i, on my own, even keep track of when those festivals come and go? i don't think i could do justice to days like Lohri and Baisakhi which are festivals of the Punjabi Community - technically my own. 

With the extent of cultural decline in our generation, i wonder what would it be like for the next generation. i wonder how much of that festival fervour will our kids be lucky enough to experience. We have lived a fair bit that our parents handed us town. It wasn't the real thing like it probably was in their childhood with extended families, palatial homes with verandas and the real culture in its true essence still alive and kicking. Folk songs for every festival and home made tasty food stuff. But we have still seen some of that glory and lived it! 

Today, i feel, we are so captivated by the so called modern culture that we are forgetting our cultural roots. This is a double-edged sword. It's not just taking us away from our own culture but also not helping make an alien culture completely our own. It is so important for us to try and retain some of that ardour we have inherited. Because we belong here, to this great nation called India. And no matter how much we laud other progressive nations and ape the west in what we wear and eat, our Dil will still be Hindustani. We need to ensure that our rich cultural heritage is not lost in our generation. We need to do justice to our Indianness and preserve its true reflection for the future generations - our festivals.