Why we need one day to celebrate women

I was walking up the stairs of a hotel venue for an event when I overheard this and couldn’t stop myself from turning around to listen. A mother of a girl, about 5 years old, was telling another older woman about how the boys she was playing earlier with in the residential colony wanted to run. And when she tried to join them they told her that she cannot run because she is a girl. The girl seemed distraught at being discouraged by her peers. And her mother was trying to tell her that she can do what she likes and being a girl had nothing to do with it. Since they knew I was listening to this, I reassured the little girl that girls can do anything they want and she shouldn’t let anyone tell her otherwise.

Even though this was just a passing incident, it did stay in my mind even weeks later. I thought the world has progressed. Women are equal. Girls are educated just like boys are. At least the modern educated parents are teaching their boys to treat girls with respect, as equals. Where did these little boys learn that girls cannot run because they are girls. From the grown ups around them, obviously. I felt something break inside me - I think the hope that I had of change in attitudes for girls at least from the generation of these kids. 

I am sure these are the very parents who tell their boys not to cry like a girl. And then when these boys and girls grow up, we complain about boys treating girls inferior and committing crimes against them. Who taught them that girls aren’t worthy of equal respect? Sadly, even parents from better income and education don’t seem to be creating a level playing field let alone ignorant and less educated people from less fortunate economic backgrounds. 

So where does the change start? Actually, nowhere! A woman’s/girl’s status remains where it was. Yes, we have more freedom today. But we also have ruthless rapists proclaiming that girls alone are responsible for rapes. You step out and you deserve to be physically violated just because you are a girl. And your place is to sit at home and take care of everyone. You walk out at night and you risk becoming another Nirbhaya. Worse still, a nameless victims lost in the pages of police case histories. 

Yes, we have better education and almost equal opportunities. But we also have parents telling their boys that you can run while a girl your age cannot. We are hammering home the difference between genders even before kids probably understand the difference. We have already laid the foundation for these little girls to grow up and begin their fight with the system and society to give them equal rights. Which they are never going to get, anyways. 

And I feel this deep prejudice about girls is a part of the DNA of our civilization. And there are seemingly harmless ways in which it manifests itself but nevertheless adds to the bigger picture. To me, even a seemingly harmless comment on a woman’s mood swings just because she goes through hormonal changes (even though her outburst might have nothing to do with being a woman) is an example of it. It’s like she is not a human at all. Just a gender going through vagaries of humour that the female race is generally wont to. 

Even today, it’s a girl who leaves her parents to live with her husband and his family. And before I hear dissenting voices about what a shit load of crap this allegation is, I’d like to say that I am yet to see a husband pack his bags to live at his wife’s! No matter how independent a woman is, she is the one still torn with guilt between home and job. Men have been a huge help, no doubt. But I guess holding ourselves responsible for keeping a perfect home and proving ourselves in our career seems to have been ingrained in our unalterable DNA too. 

And while I was still ruminating about all this, out comes the controversial Nirbhaya documentary rams right into the face of rigid mindsets. At the outset, I am no legal, social, diplomatic expert to comment on the right and wrong of the making of the film. I am looking at it from how I felt watching it. And how it connects to my existing thought process. My first reaction was a deluge of questions: why would anyone want to rake the ugly past of the incident and make a documentary? Why? And why would the parents want to recount and relive the ordeal just because someone wants to make a film? Why...oh why would you give voice to a murderer masquerading as a rapist who should have been silenced by now for his fiendish crime? 

Prima facie, the film looks like a very balanced view of putting together all aspects of the story speaking to all the people involved along the journey. But in hindsight, I am pretty sure it is a well orchestrated, craftily put together film to show exactly the stereotypes we are trying to fight. The abject poverty of the rapists (India is still a poor country), the cringe worthy, regressive views of the lawyers (India still treats women as inferior citizens) and the worst is the rapist mouthing the rapists’ anthem (deliberately stereotyping a rapist?) - women shouldn’t protest, the victim should be killed. And the dignified, aspirational parents of Jyoti Singh providing the perfect contrast to rapists who lost the battle of poverty while they tried to rise above it by educating their daughter. (a daughter, no less! Here, the emblem of changing India was brutally raped and killed. Can anything else sell better in the international market?)

(The documentary not just gives him an opportunity to speak but he becomes a popular news item and his views are proudly aired on every mainstream and social media. People criticized him but nevertheless brings him into the limelight and that’s not good news)

And this whole exercise just seemed to reinforce, globally, exactly the mindset and attitudes we are trying to fight. So you can cry hoarse about today being Women’s Day and the whole spiel that goes with her diverse, selfless roles. But the die has been cast even in the minds of young children that girls cannot run like boys. And it will always be derogatory to do thing #LikeAGirl. And that's why we need one day in a year to glorify women and give them back some self-respect, acknowledge their contributions through the year and make them feel valued. Because we go back to our narrow mindsets for the rest of the year. 

Nothing has changed since Jyoti became Nirbhaya.

What more can I add?

No, this is not another moral lecture on the state of society. Nor is it an outburst, as a woman, at the heinous gangrape that happened in Delhi. These are just observations that come to my mind. My attitude is impassive. Because all the passion in the world has not and cannot change a thing. So why waste human emotion better put to use elsewhere.

The first thing that comes to my mind when i think of it is that the victim was just plain unlucky. Having one’s body literally ripped apart at the end of a fine Sunday for no fault of one’s own is sheer bad luck. What else would you call being helplessly manhandled by a group of men who not just rape but ram an iron rod into the body all the way to the intestines!! Just like that. Out of nowhere.

Some people have brought attention to the fact that the main culprit comes from the lower strata of society and has had a bad childhood. Is that a reason for us to soften towards him? Does that justify behaving like an animal and ripping another human apart? Should all people take it out on innocent women because society at large did them injustice? And there are probably a few million unprivileged people like him around. You do the math.

Like i said earlier, nothing has and will radically change. Anytime soon. Though i find certain facts very ironic in the light of the unsafe situation of women. Delhi is the power capital of the country. The leader of the ruling party is a woman and so is the Chief Minister. The latter proudly so for multiple tenures. She’s been around for over a decade now. And yet are we expecting a miracle from her when we expect her to have done something to alter the situation of women in her state?

Our prime minister himself, in his lip service of a speech, claimed to be the father of 3 daughters. How does the heart of a father of 3 girls not splinter into a thousand pieces every time the horrible and humiliating plight of others’ daughters comes to light? i think the man should be affected 3 times as much God forbidding it was one of his daughters! And yet, not just the father but even our Prime Minister, who is one of the people who can really make a difference, is devoid of any genuine emotion.

What’s even more ironic is that while all the power centered in Delhi has failed to take any action against the situation, the action on the protestors was prompt. As if they are at fault. Not one official or minister made an attempt to understand the intent behind the protest gathering - the govt’s lack of any action or emotion. Or tried to talk the crowds into peace. Instead they were treated like mobsters with tear gas and water cannons used on them. This is a blatant example of - if you have it, flaunt it. Power, in this case. It’s very brave of Delhiiites stand up in cold weather conditions and I am sure everyone having to work for a living! (unlike our ministers who seem to make a living just by being in power!)

Another thing that strikes me is that a lot of famous personalities are seen at award functions, polo events, charity functions. But none think it important to lend their voice and support to such a cause. Would the police treat the crowd as badly if the protestors included top Bollywood actors and actresses, top cricketers and sportspeople, veteran industrialists? But, again, none think it worth their time to put their weight behind the common man’s movement. This would definitely boost our chances of affecting the minds of our obtuse politicians. And gradually, maybe, some change in the law as well. But i guess most of these people are busy preparing for Page 3 worthy new year parties.

Also, ever since the news of the gangrape has been out, the newspapers are full of more such incidents. Every single page highlights other incidents of crime against women. i wonder if they think that this will add fodder to the ongoing debate or galvanise the nation/politicians into action. Who knows? Every news channel has debates on whether rapists should be awarded death penalty. i have always been irritated by mindless discussions on the idiot box, as has been the recent trend on TV in an attempt to fill in 24/7 slots of news channels. Yes, we are a democratic country and we have the right to speech. But to what purpose?

If we all agree that rapists should be given death penalty, will the law change? We all know about the queue of people waiting to get their death penalties. What’s the use lining up a few rapists in the queue! The biggest non-deterrent at the moment is knowing that a rapist can get away with the crime. One in a million cases catch the attention of the media and probably the culprits are thrown in jail. But I am sure all this will be forgotten very soon and it’ll be years before the culprits are presented in court and maybe punished. So i think death penalty or no, there has to be something that acts as a strong deterrent. The fear of a law executed under any circumstance that will make any wannabe rapist think twice before attempting to be one. Something like pulling off arms of thieves. Nothing less would do.

Apart from the law, it’s the society that needs changing. But i guess it’s easier to lecture about teaching young boys to respect girls around them in a society where in a majority of lower classes, men have all the privileges and given the first right over women in the family/community. It has to to with the whole mindset that believes a woman is born to be a mother, sister, daughter and her duty is to selflessly take care of everyone. Even women do not expect to be respected in return.

Another thing, i feel, that has a very big impact is the societal attitude towards sex. Despite Bollywood and internet bringing it all out in the open, there is a lot of secrecy especially in the class of society from there the Ram singhs emerge. Come on, it’s common knowledge that even our respected ministers have their share of fun at work on their phones! But seriously, like all else, even this attitude will take a long time to change. Maybe the urban societies are more open and experimental. Though there are still a lot of repressed men out there waiting for a defenseless body to dump their frustrations on!

The simple fact that we expect people to wait till they are married to lose their virginity says a lot about our attitude. Added to that is society’s unwillingness to discuss the issues of safe and responsible sex with adolescents, in particular. i am sure a lot of sexual frustration emanates from there. We’ll need to be making talking about intimacy a healthy discussion, away from the prurience and fantasy, mostly depicted in the media and elsewhere.

Forget access to hi-tech devices and internet connectivity, every ad on television commodifies woman. i strongly feel that this greatly reflects the society’s attitude towards a particular gender. Some ads explicitly depict making yourself sexually appealing to the other gender through the use of the advertised products. God help the urban youth which is even more exposed with 24/7 connectivity to the internet.

Lastly, one thing for sure is that soon all this will be forgotten. Like we forgot the rape and  murder of a call center employee in Bangalore. The rape in Dhaula Kuan. The rape in a suburban train in Mumbai. The rape of a dalit in a village. Till the next time another girl is put through unspeakable physical and emotional violence, yet again.

In the quite moments of the day, my mind goes back to the body lying in a hospital. There is a void in her abdomen. Her intestines gone forever. She has struggled to stay alive for days. The life of her family will never be the same again. The national consciousness, that has awakened for a while now, will soon go back into slumber as probably she will lose her battle with life!