#BarAThon Day 3: The Fragile Life Of A Woman

No matter how big our dreams are we all end up living fragile lives! (photo credit)

She smiled coyly as a new bride. He stole a shy look at her and promised he will always look after her. She bid adieu to her parents and was taken to his. She got the ceremonial welcome. She stepped into her new house as a symbol of prosperity. She proudly took that step into her new house - "our house", she thought.

She was taught how her husband's house was her real house and her in-laws, her new parents. She should take care of them the way she would for her own kin. She was the daughter-in-law of the house and had grand dreams of how her new home was going to be. Soon after she set foot into her new house, she set about making everyone happy, putting her needs after everyone else's. She made plans of how she'd run the household, take care of her husband and everyone else in the house. She would be the darling of the house and respected for the values she brought into the new household with her.

But she soon realised how different reality was from the world she had woven in her mind. To take care of everyone was assumed to be her job. She was clearly told that she had no right to run the house the way she wanted. She just had to follow the rules and do things the way they were always done. She was assigned a room where she saw the man she loved at night. He did not want to meddle in the domestic affairs and asked her to be patient. His parents, he said, were important and so was their happiness. She should try and keep them happy.

It is then that she realised the fragile lives that women live after marriage - and also the kind of fragile lives they would be leading as a couple. With her dreams shattered and her respect taken away from her, she knew her life will never be as she had dreamt it would be. There would never be her household. She was just an outsider who would have follow their way of living and have nothing to call her own - not even her marriage.

This is Day 3 of #BarAThon and the theme for today's post is fragile lives.

Is getting married even worth it?

Our younger selves in the first year!

“I don’t believe in soul mates either. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship. 

Some days we work really hard” 

I find myself nodding my approval at Monica Geller’s words in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. They ring so true today as I reach the 7 year mark in my marriage. Don’t all of us dream that we will get married to our soul mates and live happily ever after? No matter what others go through, we believe we will certainly have a great partner, never have a fight, always keep the romance alive and just have the perfect marriage!! 

And these humongous expectations from the institution are what lead to our undoing. At least, it did lead to mine! I remember being so heart broken after our first fight a few days into our marriage. To my naive understanding, perfect couples don’t fight, ever! And we weren’t the perfect couple anymore because we broke that rule..and so soon! I can’t help but have a hearty laugh at that now. 

So if you start with huge expectations, you need a reality check. Or you are in for a rude shock. Let me tell you that marriage is a difficult, complicated and convoluted relationship rife with sexual and gender politics. It’s not easy to live with someone who throws wet towels on the bed (usually men) while the other wants to keep it clean (mostly women). And it’s a bloody tough task to keep up with someone who’s demanding in a relationship (mostly women) while all the other partner wants to do is watch soccer and unwind with a chilled beer (mostly men). Sometimes, I feel the worst invention of all times is this concept of putting together 2 individuals under the same roof for rest of their lives! I mean, we were living life on our own terms for a few decades and bam...you have to accommodate this other person in all aspects of your life now!

Photo credit

Why, then, do we even need to get married? Aren’t we, as humans, intelligent enough to comprehend how impractical this is? My answer to this is that the love, companionship, togetherness, freedom, peace and the sense of security that marriage brings is worth every bit of dirty work. We are social, emotional beings. We need to be with people and are insufficient, incomplete on our own. A constant companion is the anchor that keeps the ship of our life from floating rudderless. You have someone to come back home to. This concept might seem a bit outdated with our busy schedules. But I still feel the relationship makes sure that no matter how far the birds fly (pun intended!), they are going to come back to the comfort of the nest they put together!. 

I feel sad to see things not working out for some people. I wonder how big are the differences that people begin to hate each other and drift apart. Very unpleasantly, at times.  I know about celebrities separating after a good decade of being with their partner. I am sure there are plenty of common people like you and me who go through the same plight. But even as successful stars, it must be equally traumatic. I sometimes feel there is no reason that justifies giving up on each other. But I guess to each his own and don’t want to be judgmental. If people can’t find companionship and happiness with each other, it’s better for them to find it elsewhere. 

Then there are also exceptionally lucky people who have cupid striking them more than once! Those are the people on the other end of the spectrum. While we ordinary mortals scrape out all our patience and courage to keep up with one partner, they move on with gay abandon and explore greener pastures. That’s the more colourful side of matrimony for you. 

What do you think about marriage? Married or single, you are bound to have a view. Or experiences to share. Feel free to leave your comments below. I’d love to hear from you!

The Big Fat Traditional Indian Wedding!!

It seems like ages since i sat down to write my blog. i was kinda busy with a big, fat, traditional Indian wedding.  i was aware all my life that an Indian Wedding is nothing short of a mini carnival.  But i seem to notice more of its details since i myself got married. Aunts and uncles, nephews and nieces, grand mums and grand dads, family friends and neighbours all descend out of nowhere to stand witness to the union of two bodies and souls.  There's a whole lot of shopping for clothes, jewellery, flowers, fruits, bookings for the venue, caterers, musicians, beauticians (even for men!) and mehendiwalis. Not to forget innumerable items to be bought for the ceremony itself depending on the tradition in which the wedding will be solemnised. Invitations to be selected, printed and distributed to a formidable number of relatives and long-forgotten friends. After all, a wedding invitation is a strong message of solidarity and unity towards all those who get it. (It is of great concern if there is a wedding of someone you know and you don't get invited!!) And then the management of the D-day itself to ensure that duties are delegated and all fronts well armed to handle any mishaps. The boy's side should have no reason to complain about anything. 

i also want to add that we are such slaves of tradition that i no matter where we are in the world, we home home to get married. Guess the feeling of being married doesn't register without the elaborate rituals. i know of a couple who met in the US and settled down there. But came back home to dare a gruelling and ponderous three day long ceremony that was required to declare them man and wife!! Smiling through the misery in the hot and humid month of June! After all, marriage is a social institution and it has to be social event as well! Warna log kya kahenge!! 

i find all this frenetic pace of activity very common across communities. (I've witnessed the union of both North Indian and South Indian souls!!) But then there can be an alternative way of this union. Go to the court and sign a register before the Magistrate (which is also not as simple as it sounds, trust me, but simpler than the traditional jingbang!) But can we ever conceive an Indian Wedding as humdrum as signing a register and it's all over!! Or is it?

At the end of the day, everyone heaves a sigh of collective relief. The coy bride is finally gone with her groom for a happily ever after married life.  The decorations are pulled down and all the relatives are gone into oblivion waiting to re-emerge in the next family congregation. The long day is over and the musicians have gone home. We don't need them anymore because the music will be made elsewhere! 

In the midst of frantic preparations for the event itself, we forget that this is not the end but the beginning for the two people involved. It doesn't matter which way you got married - traditional or registered (Trust me! I have been through both -  with the same person!!!!). Or how many guests ate at the feast or how expensive were the gifts everyone got. All that matters is the course of married life that the couple follows. Ironically, the entire swarm of relatives will be missing from the action when the two actually learn to co-exist with each other. The true challenge actually begins when all the romance of the courtship goes poof in the face of realities. There's much more to life after the initial euphoria of getting  married is over. One can make a good life and justify all the hullabaloo or just give up on the each other and be in the news once again for the wrong reasons - Seperation!