7 things I have learnt in as many years of marriage

7 wonderful years of togetherness!!

In my last post, which was actually supposed to be this one, I rambled on with my musings on marriage. I am sure there are reams written on marriage. If you looking for practical stuff that I have learnt in my life, this post is for you. 

I am no marriage guru and have just hit the 7 year mark in a relationship that is supposed to last a lifetime, apparently. And 7 years isn’t much from that perspective. But yes, I have learnt a few things in these years that will stay with me forever. Stuff that hit at the rosy picture that marriage is made out to be. You might read some of them and say - what nonsense! This doesn't happen anymore! But let me assure you that it does! 

1. Compatibility is a myth. Compromise is the key. I knew my husband for just over a year when I got married to him. The person I knew was this suave and successful guy who swept me off my feet with his charm! But living under the same roof turned out to be a totally different ball game. We were no longer meeting in cafes once in few weeks and did not put our best foot forward! 

The task of having to live with another person from a different brought up, background, preferences, idiosyncrasies, moods, experiences and worldview is no laughing matter. It takes all the patience that you can muster every single day to keep it going. Thats the only way you will make it work. And it doesn’t matter whether you had a love marriage or an arranged one. 

On our first anniversary

2. Marriage is not romantic. Romance is just a tool for mechanical maintenance of the relationship. I know that sounds quite drab! I just mean that the spark that ignites a new relationship is easily put out with time. What sustains the relationship is true love for each other, which may not essentially be romantic. We were so lovey-dovey in the initial months. But very soon real life, work, stress and the business of running life took over. The fact that his work involved insane amount of travel didn’t make things any easier. And then started the maintenance bit. We need to make time and schedule time together. And I mean squeeze whatever time that you can lay your hands on. Social commitments, relatives, bills, laundry - all can wait. It’s very easy to get carried away with mundane things at the cost of quality time. Listen to each other’s favourite tracks. Watch a show in a theatre. Or just stay in your room and catch up with some old fashioned chit chat! (remember to put your phones away and switch the door bell off)

3. You are not one mind, body and soul. My husband loves his gadgets and I love my cosmetics. He listens to a lot of English music and I love my desi Bollywood fare. And these differences are actually interesting. The bedrock of a strong marriage is this freedom to be able to pursue our interests on our own. Spending quality time with each other to reconnect is vital to the survival of the marriage. But that doesn’t always have to be an act of self-effacement. Being on your own at times and pursuing your independent identity is equally important.

4. Find a balance. Where and what needs to be balanced is unique to the couple. Two different individuals are bound to have different views about how things should be done. But since you jointly run the household, it is important to find a balance. Since the woman generally moves into her husband’s house, make efforts to get her comfortable. She may be used to things in a certain way. Give reasons, discuss and ensure each partner has his/her way one time or the other. The way we find balance is to take care of areas we are strong at. For instance, I know about the bills and he makes better travel schedules. 

At NH7 weekender last year

5. Mutual respect and equality shore up the relationship. I have been exceptionally lucky that I am always treated with the utmost respect. We all have rough times. But my better half understands my ups and downs. And more often than not just the process of venting out makes me feel a million times better! Support for each other’s work, hobbies, dreams and aspirations is also pretty critical. I have been blessed to have complete support from my spouse to go out there and do what I dream of! And I have ensured that he could go out and achieve his career goals without having to worry about home. 

In the Indian context, the husband generally has the upper hand and the woman is just expected to fall in line. But with changing times, it is a great thing to see the mindset change. 

6. Don’t compare yourself to others. While we do have frames of reference from our parents’ marriage or from elsewhere, the trajectory of every marriage is unique. The only perfect scenario is what works for the couple. For years, people kept commenting on our erratic schedule. We did not have the conventional routine everyone else had with regular sleep and meal times. We still pretty much suit ourselves! It was tough for me too after having led a regimented life for close to 3 decades of my life. And my mind rebelled at this haphazardness. My attempts at taming our unruly routines just did not work. And gradually I realised - to each his own! Couples with full time jobs have to have a very planned life. But for a work-from-home couple like us, that wasn’t priority. Our life was different with my husband mostly between business travel and me holding the other things in place. 

Aging together! 

7. Marriage is work in progress, always! Yes, there is no happily-ever-after in real life. You just learn to get more at home with each other. But not without constant effort to keep it up. It never just takes care of itself. And if you are really committed to make things work, you will be up to the toil it takes to pull through good and bad times.

Are there more things that you can think of? Feel free to add them in the comments. My marriage is work in progress and I’d love to learn from your views. 

Is getting married even worth it?

Our younger selves in the first year!

“I don’t believe in soul mates either. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship. 

Some days we work really hard” 

I find myself nodding my approval at Monica Geller’s words in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. They ring so true today as I reach the 7 year mark in my marriage. Don’t all of us dream that we will get married to our soul mates and live happily ever after? No matter what others go through, we believe we will certainly have a great partner, never have a fight, always keep the romance alive and just have the perfect marriage!! 

And these humongous expectations from the institution are what lead to our undoing. At least, it did lead to mine! I remember being so heart broken after our first fight a few days into our marriage. To my naive understanding, perfect couples don’t fight, ever! And we weren’t the perfect couple anymore because we broke that rule..and so soon! I can’t help but have a hearty laugh at that now. 

So if you start with huge expectations, you need a reality check. Or you are in for a rude shock. Let me tell you that marriage is a difficult, complicated and convoluted relationship rife with sexual and gender politics. It’s not easy to live with someone who throws wet towels on the bed (usually men) while the other wants to keep it clean (mostly women). And it’s a bloody tough task to keep up with someone who’s demanding in a relationship (mostly women) while all the other partner wants to do is watch soccer and unwind with a chilled beer (mostly men). Sometimes, I feel the worst invention of all times is this concept of putting together 2 individuals under the same roof for rest of their lives! I mean, we were living life on our own terms for a few decades and bam...you have to accommodate this other person in all aspects of your life now!

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Why, then, do we even need to get married? Aren’t we, as humans, intelligent enough to comprehend how impractical this is? My answer to this is that the love, companionship, togetherness, freedom, peace and the sense of security that marriage brings is worth every bit of dirty work. We are social, emotional beings. We need to be with people and are insufficient, incomplete on our own. A constant companion is the anchor that keeps the ship of our life from floating rudderless. You have someone to come back home to. This concept might seem a bit outdated with our busy schedules. But I still feel the relationship makes sure that no matter how far the birds fly (pun intended!), they are going to come back to the comfort of the nest they put together!. 

I feel sad to see things not working out for some people. I wonder how big are the differences that people begin to hate each other and drift apart. Very unpleasantly, at times.  I know about celebrities separating after a good decade of being with their partner. I am sure there are plenty of common people like you and me who go through the same plight. But even as successful stars, it must be equally traumatic. I sometimes feel there is no reason that justifies giving up on each other. But I guess to each his own and don’t want to be judgmental. If people can’t find companionship and happiness with each other, it’s better for them to find it elsewhere. 

Then there are also exceptionally lucky people who have cupid striking them more than once! Those are the people on the other end of the spectrum. While we ordinary mortals scrape out all our patience and courage to keep up with one partner, they move on with gay abandon and explore greener pastures. That’s the more colourful side of matrimony for you. 

What do you think about marriage? Married or single, you are bound to have a view. Or experiences to share. Feel free to leave your comments below. I’d love to hear from you!

Do you have the right to end your life?

Birth - we can't choose to be born. Death - we don't know when we will die. 

Or do we?

Some people presume that they can decide when and how they will die. And this presumption is called committing suicide. Some prove it right. Some fail to. Either ways, I think the episode is traumatic and scarring.

In the last one year of my life, I have been an unwilling participant in 2 such incidents. One successful, the other, a failure. Forced into it but I guess shit happens in life and one has got to face it. And sometime in the quiet moments after the storm has seemingly passed, the mind stops to think and ponder. Ponder over a lot of things. So, I guess that's what I am doing right now.

First of all, it is very shocking to come across something like this. (I say this because I have seen people nonchalantly brush it off) Yes, a lot of people commit suicide every single day. Nonetheless it is shocking when it happens to someone around you. I can't imagine the agony of family members when something like this hits them. Fortunately, my experiences did not involve family.

And it is shocking - even if there were signs of the impending doom, however imperceptible! I don't believe anyone would just wake up one morning and hurl themselves off a building or slash their wrists just for the heck of it. Except in the book - The Illicit Happiness of Manu Joseph - where my patience with the author till the end wasn't awarded with a plausible answer.

In my limited experience (which feels like enough to me), the 'contemplating' bit of committing suicide is generally a considerable time. Even months, in some cases. And the hallmark of someone determined to succeed is secrecy. I had read somewhere that people who kept coming back to their therapist/psychologist to complain that they couldn't endure life anymore and wanted to really kill themselves were the ones less likely to actually do it. People who want to really succeed ensure no one can pre-empt and stop them. Depending on how intelligent they are and what resources they have, there is research of some kind involved to explore multiple options and to figure out logistics. Yes, logistics! You wouldn't want to hastily hang yourself from the fan without being sure it'll take your weight. Or not consider the implications of slashing your wrists.

And it is this critical period of contemplation that is also the best for prevention, if anyone is interested. This is the time when the symptoms of what's coming should become discernible to the perceptive. But most of the times, we may have an inkling but we can't think of a lot of things to do. We are all busy with our lives and obviously can't shadow someone day in and day out unless the person is permanently shifted into a crowded family. And not many want to be saddled with the burden.

People who succeed, congratulations! But they leave behind a mammoth wave grief, guilt and emotional devastation for the survivors. But God bless your soul.

And people who fail - congratulations to you too! Welcome to your own guilt trip! You've just added to the list of failures which led you on to something like this in the first place. I don't know if you prepared for this eventuality. I don't know if you thought of the horror your own people would go through when they discover you half dead gasping for breath. But congratulations! You managed to give your loved ones an experience they will never forget in a lifetime!

You will now get the attention you did not ask for before you took the step. Everyone who knows you will now take turns and sit with you to ensure you don't jump out of the window. They will all ensure that they bear the additional responsibility of rehabilitation since no one likes to see their loved ones have a bad life.

I have always wondered what goes on in the mind of someone who decides to harm himself/herself to the extent that it ends their life. Is it utter hopelessness that they feel doing this to themselves is the ONLY thing possible to do? Or a moment of unreasonable passion that they don't realise what they are doing? I will confess that a lot of times, especially in the last one year, I felt so frustrated that I just wanted to end my life. Angry times when I thought I could have just hurled myself from a building. But then, I realise that it's just a thought. I never really looked down a building to gauge the height. I guess all of us have bad times when we just want to give up. But where do people find the courage to go the whole hog. Or is it weakness?

I find it highly disturbing when I come across such people. I don't think anyone has the right to end their life - NO MATTER WHAT!! Life is not perfect. All of us have troubles. All of us go through tough times. Sometimes hopeless times. But if we all resort to something like this, we wouldn't need disease and wars. We would be a community of losers and Earth would be a sad place to be born in.

Anyone feeling hopeless should remind themselves that bad times pass. Every problem has a solution. The triumph of overcoming challenges in life will be much more satisfying than the ignominy of having failed to end your life. If you are unable to take charge, reach out. And you'll be surprised at how responsive people are with help.

We can do something with a little faith, nothing without it - goes a saying. So have a little faith. The tide is about to turn. 

Should our Diwali really be cracker-less?

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India is a land of festivals. And yes, i have said this before here and here. In these modern times, new fangled ideas abound everything. Including festivals. Come Ganpati and canvassing for organic Ganpatis starts. Karvachauth arrives and feminists cry out aloud against women having to fast. Come Diwali and there's hue and cry over making it cracker less. For the environment, for the poor kids in Sivakasi and also as a topic to tweet about something! Wishful thinking but there were whispers about a bloodless Eid too.

Fantastic ideas all! But aren't we missing out on something crucial here? Tradition! I am not talking about conventions or orthodoxy. Yes, we need to change traditions to suit our changing lifestyles. But do we have to kill them altogether? Can we not find a midway to meet tradition and practicality?

While we are baying for men's blood because women have to fast for them on Karvachauth and say let's skip the fast and do the rest, aren't we killing the very soul of what the day stands for? I know I have said otherwise elsewhere. But I still mean - keep the tradition alive. Fast or no fast just keep up the spirit bonding and love for each other between a couple.

Organic Ganpatis are great but why did we have to think of it in the first place. Because we believe in overdoing things. Do we have to have a Ganpati in every street corner? Can we not have organic Ganpatis AND have just a few community ones so that we don't have to immerse a few thousand idols every year? The tradition will still stay alive, which to me is more important than every individual showing off his piety with an idol each.

I think what matters the most to me is the cracker less Diwali campaign. No, I am not saying "To hell with the bleeding and burning kids at Sivakasi, go and blow your money on crackers". I am just saying that if you impose a ban on crackers on Diwali, are we not killing a very important part of what the festival is? I don't know what the history behind bursting crackers is and I won't get into it. I just know that my childhood memories of Diwali are incomplete without those smoky, noisy evenings spent bursting crackers with my siblings. I know the fumes are bad, unsafe for animals and no less than torture for the sick and elderly. But till eco-friendly crackers that emit, probably, fragrances rather than noxious fumes are made, we can exercise restraint and just do sufficient enough to keep the tradition alive!

Crackers keep the spirit of Diwali alive! Photo credit

Why I thing this is very important is the rapidly changing times we live in. The world has changed at an unprecedented pace in the last 5 years and is very different now even compared to the last 10 years. The kids born in 2000 are now well into teenage. The world they were born and are growing in is a world apart from our childhood worlds. These kids will never know inlands and postcards. They will never use stamps and post boxes. This generation can't imagine watching TV without the pause and play of Tata Sky plus. They will never know what having just one channel on TV is. And the thrill of waiting all week to watch our favourite programs - He-man or Giant Robot. The fun of bursting crackers for Diwali is something that we should not bereave them of. I know writing letters is obsolete, so that's ok. Television technology has moved and so have gadgets like phones. Let's make peace with it. But burst crackers - even if it a handful of them - for the sake of pure joy and family time that it brings with it. Let the kids of today enjoy what we did in our childhood.

We all are aware of the bad effects and people have drastically cut down on crackers compared to how it used to be! So go ahead and burst a few crackers this Diwali!

Have a Happy and safe Diwali!

4 things I have learnt about traveling safe as a woman

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I have traveled alone a lot of times in india, mostly on work. Initially, it did feel odd going to new places and managing on my own. But through the years, I have found a few things that help, especially if you are a woman traveling alone. I thought I could put down a quick list that can help others get sorted before a trip. It isn’t rocket science and there is nothing to fear even if it is your first outing by yourself with just a few basics in mind.

Before I begin my list, I want to point out that traveling within the country is a smaller challenge compared to traveling outside it - which is the topic for another post! In India, we can blend into crowds with ease which works to our advantage. Of course, if you are a fair North Indian, you will attract stares in Chennai! But by and large, it isn’t too difficult to gel along with these simple things to do.

1. Do your research. I generally don't do a lot of research about the culture and habits of people for Indian cities. We all have a fair idea about how things work in different parts of the country. You may definitely want to go through websites like tripadvisor.com for hotel reviews before you choose your accommodation. Or check it out in case your client booked it for you. Maps and travel websites help you reach a pretty fair estimation of the location and facilities of the hotel you are going to be in. Also, remember to come back and write a review on tripadvisor because you got to give back to the community as well.

2. Know your map: This is one thing that gives me the most confidence on my travels alone. It is pretty hard for anyone to mislead you or for you to get lost with this marvel of technology called Google maps. If you don’t have a data plan, it’s a good idea to activate it at least for the time you are traveling. I always look up the distance between destinations before I have to negotiate with the rickshaw guys. If you know your whereabouts you are less likely to be cheated by touts.

3. Be confident. Act like a localite. Yes, one look at your suitcase and people know that you are a traveler. And more often than not that acts as a signal to treat you as vulnerable. My suggestion is you walk out of the station/airport with your head held high with an air of confidence about you. Nothing holds people off like a confident woman! (and the converse is also equally true!). Plus your research back home should help you assume an air of authority.
 

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4. Better safe than sorry. If you are a woman traveling alone, it’s not a good idea to pick up a very low cost hotel since it will reflect in the quality of their service and level of security. Here too, make sure that you act like a pro during check in. Keep your door bolted from inside at least when you go to sleep at night, just as a precaution. I usually put up the DND tag outside, when I am in the room to avoid anyone ringing the bell and also when I step out because I do not want anyone to get into my room when I am not around. And most decent hotels will respect your wish to remain undisturbed. (smaller cities have the facility but the staff is not polished enough to understand what it means and housekeeping will get into your room in your absence anyways). When not in your room, make sure you do not leave valuables like gadgets, watch, money etc and leave temptation staring up at the staff. Lock them up in the room safe or just zip them away in your bag.

I think I have covered the most important points that come to my mind. Are there any more that you can think of? Feel free to share your travel experiences in the comments below.

Would you sell your fertility to your employer?

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Finally, huge corporate giants like Apple and Facebook have ushered in a level playing field. After free laundry, unlimited vacations, baby care facilities, the two corporates have come up with an unprecedented perk of freezing the eggs of their women employees. This move should enable them to continue working undeterred by the cruel, ever-ticking biological clock. Both companies have generously offered to pay a whopping $20000 to cover the cost of freezing the eggs and storing them. It’s a day of victory for American women and Indra Nooyi stands vindicated. The dream of motherhood and an excellent career - women can finally have it all!

Or can they?

The move is being touted as an attempt to bring in parity between the workforce which consists of men and women. Women tend to take breaks to have and nurture children setting them back in their career. So, the companies have now decided to free them of this crushing worry. Women employees can now happily concentrate on their careers while their employers will take care of the cost of preserving their fertility.

It’s a great move for the organizations who get the best years of a woman’s life working for them. But are they not encouraging women to delay having children by dangling a sense of false complacency about motherhood in front of them? Are they trying to say that work comes first and parental instincts can wait? Is this a call to compromise on the best phase of a couple’s life nurturing for their child, which translates to better quality of personal life? It’s like saying that since women’s absence while having babies is an inconvenience at work, let’s just take babies out of the equation. Perks to entice talent is great and desirable. But managing the fertility of your employees is taking it a bit too far! To me, it just exposes the sinister desire of companies to win employees’ commitment and cut down on hiring and training costs by giving out a false sense of welfare.

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Let’s look at it from a woman’s perspective. Women have already been meted out a raw deal by Nature and society. They have enough on her plate juggling home and career. The fact that child birth sets them back in their career leads them to postpone it, anyways. But the companies are now offering the delay as an incentive which forces women to hedge on a future possibility which has a very meager chance of success. At least the ticking of the biological clock gets them to consider babies before it is too late. But this perk might ensure that it is too late. Women in their 20‘s, which is the best time to have a child, are hardly thinking about motherhood and fertility issues.

Whether a woman wants to have a baby and when and how she wants to have it are deeply personal issues. Leave alone the company they work for, I don’t think anyone else, except the couple involved, should have the right to decide this critical issue. The employer has no right to tell a woman what she should or should not do about her fertility issues.

Also, are women better off if they postpone motherhood and don’t take breaks? Are they as successful and well paid as men? You wish! There is research to back up the fact that no matter what, women are paid less than men. Even at the cost of postponing motherhood. So who’s losing again? Women! If you want to treat women equally, a good start is to pay her what she deserves. Don’t rob her of it just because of her gender.

Even if a woman chooses to delay pregnancy, how can one be sure that a she will be in a better position to take a break in her career to have kids at 35 than at 25? By that age, wouldn’t she have given up everything she had, including the joys of motherhood, for her career? She is more likely to be in line for promotions she worked hard for all her life. Would she want to give it all up and use the damn frozen eggs because her employers planned it that way for her?

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Okay, given that freezing eggs in lieu of a worry-free, flourishing career is a fair deal. But medically, the process is not a party women would love to go to! It’s a 6-week long, invasive, hormones-induced process which makes the ovaries produce multiple eggs, sometimes upto 15, in one cycle. A woman’s body is injected with high doses of hormones to induce the ovary to produce so many eggs in a single cycle. So it’s like dialing up the pressure of hormones multiple times to achieve the results. The eggs are then removed through an invasive procedure and frozen for future use.

Someone i am close to went through the process for IVF, recently. She told me that the process is so long and painful that she wouldn’t wish it for anyone else go through it. Her advice - the best thing for women to do is conceive naturally by planning babies at a younger age.

After going through the arduous process, can a woman stop worrying and fearlessly go back to work? Scientists unanimously agree that the answer is - no. Frozen egg is not equal to a baby in the future. With the advancing years, the success rate also plummets considerably, sometimes dropping to just 35% in the 40's. Hence, the logic that the facility of freezing eggs can preserve the fertility of women to be used anytime in the future is a myth. Freezing doesn’t guarantee children. What do the employers intend to do if 5 years down the line women are unable to conceive through those eggs? Any answers?

Also, are we bidding adieu to the natural process of conception? Is sex, which is also important for deeper bonding between couples, being sacrificed at the alter of professional success? Freezing is supposed to be the last resort and the norm of having babies. Are our conversation in the future going to be - “Honey, it’s time to have a baby! Let’s defrost!” If nature meant babies to be conceived in a particular way, who are we to question and worse still, defy it?

What about men? Why are women being discriminated against here? Are men not going through fertility issues due to long working hours, stress, lack of physical activity and reduced intimacy? Or is it conveniently been ignored in the scheme of things? What if women have frozen their fertility but men lost it in the game? I guess the male fertility preservation can be the perk offered for next year!

If companies care for their employees, both men and women, they should encourage them to have well-rounded lives which don’t expect them to cut back on family life. If corporates indeed want a level playing field for men and women, enable the woman to balance the responsibility Nature entrusted her with. Don’t manage her fertility for her. Accept her the way she is! Encourage her to have children at a biologically safe age without the fear of losing out in her career. Don’t tweak her biology to ensure steady workforce. If you really want to be a caring employer, assure her that you will treat her equal to men when she comes back having fulfilled her personal duties. Give her the power to decide when she wants to enjoy motherhood and not worry about being penalized for it. Give her the right to love her child freely and indulge in her maternal love, not deprive her of motherhood.

What's the big deal about Karvachauth?

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Come Karvachauth and men bashing starts. i don’t know how much of it is justified and i wont get into it. i take this opportunity to reminisce about the day through different stages of my life.

My earliest memories of Karvachauth are of my mom. That was the only day she would be all decked up even though she was at home. She would drape one of her best sarees - which weren’t many considering she had 3 kids to raise on one income. She’d put on her jewelry set, lots of bangles and vermillion in her parted hair. She said this is how women got dressed up on this day since it is a sign of being married. This information was our only window to the world of Karvachauth since we had no other reference point in the 80’s in Bangalore. The tradition hadn’t swept the whole country like it has now and was celebrated by only the Punjabi women. She would do the rituals for the day by herself in the evening. And by night, my brother and i would be making frequent trips to the streets around our house to see if chandamama was out. And no, the concept wasn’t Bollywoodised yet and my dad wasn't supposed to feed her the first bite. My mom would just walk out with her pooja ki thali and sieve to finish the ritual. She would first drink water because that was a more immediate need. And the day ended without much hoopla.

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When we shifted to Delhi in the mid 90’s, i got to see the glitsy and glamorous version of the day. With some commercialization, some Bollywood and some Delhi’s high-class culture, Karvachauth was a whole new concept here. Mehendi on both hands was a must and the mehendiwali made a killing at the exorbitant rates. Women turned out in their most expensive finery for the communal pooja where women from the whole building gathered to do it instead of doing it alone in their homes. My mom had stopped fasting by then due to health issues. So, we would just watch all this from our home and feel glad that we didn’t have to be a part of this pageant!

i looked forward to the time i could play the Bollywood-style wife, draped in traditional best and do the look-at-your-husband-through-the-sieve-ritual! But the ultra rational person that my darling husband is, he said i could do all the decking up i wanted to make myself happy. But the wife being hungry for the resulting long life of the husband was pure ‘buhawkee’ to him! In hindsight, i am also relieved at some level. Films like Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam and Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham have totally made the whole thing so filmy and melodramatic! i'm sure i'd imagine one of the scenes from films i was doing my own pooja and it just wouldn't seem real at all!

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Sometime around the same time, i became aware of the feminists’ angle to the story. Why should women fast? Why should only women fast? Aren’t we equal in a relationship? Poor men! They also offered to fast. Yet, the bashing of men begins every single here. Even if women fast voluntarily.

Here’s what i think about it. We all have just become too hyperactive thanks to multiple avenues we have of venting out our sense of rectitude. To me, Karvachauth is a beautiful festival. In today’s times, when women hardly have the time or the inclination to dress up traditionally, i think it is great opportunity to do it even if it is just to keep up with the spirit of the day. How else will we keep the traditional in us alive? Also, add one more day to birthdays and anniversaries when married people can take time out to strengthen their bond with each other. If fasting is the bone of contention, lets do away with it. i know it’s like hacking at the most important part of the festival but don’t we change so many other things to suit our convenience? Fasting can be optional since women have equally demanding careers. But with equality being the flavour of the times, there can be a different dimension to the festival. Earlier, women did everything like a dutiful wife. Now, men can help cook, take care of the kids and generally take time out for the wifey! Why create controversy over something that can be turned around to for the better! Don’t you agree?