The Many Identities Of a Woman

Mother, daughter, sister, wife, companion. Have you noticed how women are showered with titles - mostly due to others in their lives? She is never someone in her own right. Like there is literally no term for it. There's a "man" of the house, but no "woman". And that one word says everything about the man. That's enough for his identity. And yet it's a woman who needs so many terms to define her, each one with its own connotations.  

I was a daughter and sister for the first 28 years of my life. Actually a daughter, for the most part. Obedient, pliant, docile. I wasn't the quietest but was taught that women shouldn't be outspoken. Mould yourself into who others want you to be. Put others first. Keep your opinion to yourself. 

And then I got married. And the tag of a wife, not just redefined my previous roles (at least in my case) but also brought a whole lot of new relationships. Surprisingly, most of them required me to be obedient, pliant, docile. And I continued being that. Or maybe that was just 28 yrs of conditioning just oozing out of my being. I learnt the basics of running my new house, getting along with the new family, impressing the extended clan (who knew nothing about me but continued to judge me from afar for years to come) But I did all that within the system that was created before I became a part of the household. The pliant part came in very handy there. Well done, mom and dad! Great job grooming the daughter to become the ideal daughter-in-law. 

But there was also the other part of me. A part important to my identity. The one that did not have a name. A professional isn't included in the list of roles a woman traditionally plays. I always had a voice. And I was great at my work and that literally required me to have a voice. But it never mattered that I also had a competent trainer in me - the woman with a voice, who wasn't scared to talk in front of people and who, as I ironically, realised later, helped other people find their voice. No one asked or cared about that identity of mine. I was only judged for how I was as a daughter-in-law and wife, for my house keeping skills. And how docile I could be through it all. 

The next identity should ideally have been that of a mother. Not that I never wanted to be one but it turned out that it wasn't meant to be. When I see other women with kids, I think that's the identity that takes the most out of a woman. Yes, men supposedly contribute in today's times but they will never match the physical, mental, emotional investment that a woman makes in a having and raising a child! Boy! That's a 20-year commitment of her life right there - per kid (it's easy with the second one is just a myth! It just all doubles!) As I watch from afar, I think things only get harder and more challenging. Being responsible for how a whole new individual turns out is a helluva responsibility! 

But in my life, all the time and effort fostering identities marriage gave me was turning out to be a waste. And I just went out there and forged another identity. That of an entrepreneur. And this was at a time when working people still did the rounds of their offices 5 days a week from 9-6pm. I never had a job to go to so I never adhered to that schedule. And somehow my work wasn't considered legit because of that. I was still considered to be sitting at home, being a house wife with all the time at people's disposal. The new identity did not count. No one knew or wanted to know about it. And this coming from people who did not even want to know me as a person, let alone a professional. 

I am grateful and happy that I had the means and the freedom to construct this new me - which was going to be a huge part of me in the years to come - with the solid support of my better half. Anything I wanted to do, he was game. Even though we are a couple of decades into the new century, let's face it - spousal support is key in any endeavour one wants to embark upon. It should work both ways but it is more so for the woman. I have always counted my immense luck in this department and think that that trumped every one else who couldn't love me for who I am. One person has been enough! 

As I put in years of hard work building my independent identity and my business, I realised that few people at work really knew me as the person I am. The work identity excluded my home identity. I planned my work around my home life and declaring personal challenges was not a part of work. Somehow, I could never be a whole person and be appreciated for everyone that I am. I could only be one identity at a time. 

And if it's possible for my life to get more ironic, through the better part of my life as an entrepreneur, I remained a wife first. Putting the needs of the better half above everything else. The flexibility that my work gave me made it possible. So while I was building a new identity, I still was stuck to the old ones. Deep ran the conditioning to be be wife and daughter in law first. Every other person that I was, came later. But I did not mind because this is one relationship that gave me room to grow into whoever I wanted to be. I could tolerate and put up other identities that were judged and always feel short in other people's estimate because this one gave strength and confidence to be who I really wanted to be. 

In fact, everyone knew a fragment of me and thought that was me. Look around you - the people you know are just parts of what you see. 

I know someone who had a full fledged career but has now decided to just run the house. I cannot appreciate the identity she has as a working woman because I met her after she gave that up. But I am always aware that she was someone so much more before I knew her. And giving up that identity means something to her. I don't know that part but it existed. 

I see a mother with a young child also struggling to get her business up and running. That's the person I know. But then she was also successful trainer once with no encumbrances of being a mother and a wife. She took on more identities because the society told her she should. What's worse, social mores don't even let her confess this is not how she wanted her life to be. I see her flailing to hold on to who she is and wants to be - out of the roles that society has tied her into. 

I see this happening with women all the time. Even at work, we carry the conditioning of our personal life. Women who keep quiet at work, when they should actually speak up, fail to assert their professional identities. They let the personal seep into the professional. They give in to the "man" of the office because when "boss" is applied to a woman, it's not as a good thing. 

Through all of these people that we are - I have realised that our identity gets so fragmented that we need to scavenge through the myriad roles to find our true selves.  

So who am I, at the end of the day? 

It's taken me more than a couple of decades to find that answer. To finally shed the roles and tags that society forced me into. I refused to be defined by extraneous labels that people think I should be. I have worked hard to break the mental shackles of a lifetime of conditioning. To come on my own and be the true, authentic self that I am. I don't feel the need to be interpret myself through marriage or motherhood. I was comfortable when I worked and when I took a sabbatical. I don't feel the need to cling to any one identity to make me feel like I matter. I am who I am today - take it or leave it!  

And I think if you ask any woman, each one strives to be just herself. And be respected for it. If times are changing, why should women be compelled to live through different identities that others have laid out for her! Mother, daughter, sister, wife, companion. How about we let women be just themselves! 

Why I Don't Like Pets

Why I don't like pets. I don't know if this is a 1000-word topic - the goal for my daily writing - but here I am! 

Now that my spouse and I are in our 40s, the mid life crisis is nicely settling in. It's a great time to look back and wonder how life could have been different if we had kids. We seem to have extra love going aww at other people's kids...and pets! More him than me, ironically. And people, for some reason seem to be experts on our lives, have been telling us that it might be a good idea to adopt one - kitten or pup! But it's a big no for me and here's why. 

Since I was a kid, dogs were the most common pets. None of the people I knew had cats. And I was/am (shit) scared of dogs. I don't care what the owners say, dogs bite. Period. The chances are never zero percent and I never want to get bit by one. The idea of having and raising one in my own house has been unthinkable.  

After spending 4 decades of not paying any attention to animals, something happened in 2019. A stray cat starting along with me to our first floor flat when I got home and meowed till she was given milk. She did that every single day. She not just had milk, she also stuck around wanted to be petted and could recognise us in the dark. And then she had kittens - 4 of them! I think it was the love for the cat and not wanting any kittens to die, we started ordering cat food. Thanks to her being fed well, all the kittens survived. We fostered them for a few months. 

That's when I learnt that while dogs have to be taken for walks, cats took care of themselves as long as you give them a litter box. So it became a daily trip the terrace - feeding them milk (and later cat food) and clearing out their litter box and adding more clumping sand to the pit. Since the mother trusted us, the kittens also freely played around us. It was such a joy to watch them and for the first time in my life I said - kittens are so cute! Just like furry toys! I don't think I was inclined to bring one of them home. (We might have if we did not live with my mother in law who did not like the cat or the kittens)

I don't like animals - that was my reason in my younger days. But now, I feel that pets are a poor compensation for people who don't have children. It's like - let's be "pets parents" to fulfil our need to nurture a being, to shower the extra we'd have for our kids on a non-human that can be easily adopted. Parents have children to indulge in. But the childless people resort to nurturing animals and consider themselves parents. I am not going to be one of them. 

If I had children, that would be a different thing. I had to take care of them, be up to send them to school, cook for them, attend to their studies and basically ensure they stay alive long enough to throw tantrums at me as teenagers. But since I don't, I want to enjoy the life of being a child-free woman in her 40s. I have no desire to raise animals and give them my love. I have enough love for myself, my spouse, my books, my work and that's enough for this lifetime. 

Plus, I held fort at home for 15 years and was tied down to my duties for my mother in law. Her meals, her moods, her doc's appointments and health issues. I spent a significant part of my life taking care of all that. I have been lucky enough to be free of all that very recently. I do not want to be stuck worrying about feeding a dog, taking it for walks and attend to the vet's appointments that come with having a pet. 

Of course, raising a pet is just like raising a child - without the payback of being parent. I don't want a pet at this age for the same reason that I don't want a kid at this age. I don't want to keep track of visits to the vet in my 60s when my pet also will be old and need additional medical interventions to stay alive. If I had kids, they may not visit me in my old age but at least they'd be independent and living their own lives leaving me in peace. 

My sister recently got a pet. After resisting for years, she gave in to her kids' and spouse's wish to have a dog. She, like me, is not fond of animals. But she gave in to the pressure. While having a pet is a great goal to have, nurturing it on a daily basis is quite a task. It's exactly like people tell you to have a kid soon after you get married as if it's a tick on a list - not realising that that is the beginning of a 20-year commitment (longer in a country like India where kids continue to live with their parents well into their 40s) 

Similarly, while everyone was happy to have a pet, the real work starts once you bring it home. And the novelty, at least with a pet, wears off pretty soon. Now, no one has time or the inclination to play with it or take it on walks. There's a dog walker to do the job and the maid takes care of the meals. Plus everyone has jobs and school/college to attend for long hours. The poor thing now roams around the house looking for affection. Obviously, he gets the time of day when everyone is home. But between kids and pets, kids get preference in attention. 

So if I am ever on the verge of getting a pet, I'd like to read this. Although I am sure that my pragmatic outlook towards life will ensure that I do not get involved in a 15-yr commitment in my middle/old age! 

Review: Ellen's For Your Approval

Ellen Degeneres was kicked out of the show biz and her show ended in 2022 amidst allegations that it had a very toxic work environment. Apparently it was a huge global controversy but I came to know when I watched her Netflix special this weekend. I don't follow international entertainment news so I have been out of the loop. 

Her Netflix special - For Your Approval - seems lack lustre from the word go. But in the light of this controversy, it is evidently a ploy to redeem herself in the eyes of the people. She does not address any of the accusations about how her show was run. She just goes around the issue using most of the Special to exonerate herself and justify her individual role on the show. I was an immature boss, I never went to business school - is her way of distancing herself from it all. 

The show seems to be a well planned PR stunt with a very strong tone of "Aww poor Ellen" sprinkled liberally through out. She looks old and mostly focusses on the problems of being old. She shares that she has stopped botox and fillers because she does not care about what people think of her. Which is just a tongue in cheek way of saying that she does. The special is a medium to exit in a dignified manner, have the last word and absolve herself of the charges levelled at her without actually addressing any of that. She's just defending herself very indirectly and not really fighting back. Which kinda proves that the controversy has strong legs to stand on and any kind of defence on her part would only make it worse. 

The special is a vindication saying people may think I am mean but I am not. She talks about her health issues due to old age, how she's been a people pleaser, an obsessive animal activist and someone who'd put out posters if a pet is lost. (As if!) In fact, the whole persona of the "poor old Ellen" seems to be deliberately created to win over people. Research proves that subliminal messaging works and looking old and defeated works at the subconscious levels of the audience. 

There is a lot of extraneous matter - which isn't funny - but acts as padding in between the rationalisations. The bits about parallel parking, the one legged pigeon, the confusion on how to pronounce "legged", the bit about butterflies and chickens were unconnected cushions sandwiched between self-deprecating humour that actually meant to have the opposite impact. 

She talks about how her identity was the show and wraps that around an emotional story about her mom. But then if she was the mother hen on the show, it was her job to create a safe working environment for everyone. Not only was she unaware of what was happening, she contributed to that toxic work environment. (I can believe that because of the tone she used with people who asked questions at the end of her last special)

Instead this is how she sums herself up: 

“I’m tough and I’m impatient and I’m demanding. I’m direct. I’m a strong woman.” 

Couching being mean as just a boss demanding exacting standards is pure hogwash. It is just trying to put a positive spin on herself and playing the victim. 

A mention for the over enthusiastic audience here - the standing ovation she got for describing herself with those adjectives rang false and seemed staged. First of all, people who bought tickets and turned up are the ones you do not believe that anyone was badly treated on the show. And in the whole endeavour of "save Ellen" there had to be a supportive audience playing its part. Did they go a bit overboard, yes. Did that add to the whole thing being a charade? Of course! 

But online evidence has story after story to prove that things were pretty horrific on the show and from what people have said Ellen had no idea. She was on her own ego trip, breezing through seasons with her nose in the air. She had no clue what the ground reality was for people were working to make her show successful year after year. And it's almost a crime for her to use this platform to vindicate herself instead of taking responsibility. 

It is truly sad that her show had a toxic environment. She could have stood for change, made the workplace more inclusive for women. She herself faced backlash when she came out and she knows those hard times! She could strive for an exemplary work place because a woman runs it. But from what you can read online, it was all about her brand - ironically a brand that stands for kindness. And she has the audacity to stand on stage and relinquish any responsibility for what happened by saying she wasn't boss and she did not know how to be one. 

If she chose to do a proper special and salvage herself as a comedian, I'd still respect her. But she was too invested in saving face and running around in circles instead of addressing the real issues. So the show is neither funny nor seems sincere because of her hidden agenda in doing it. Gone was the confident Ellen of the last special. And here was someone manipulating people into believing her side of the story. And not doing a very good job of it. 

All in all, she makes it seem like "people" think I am mean but for her the show was fun and they had fun making it. Releasing fake snakes on to unsuspecting employees and popping people from the table at the guests are her idea of fun. But as she explains how elaborate it all got, you can definitely see how that could have crossed the fun threshold and can be traumatising. 

Do I believe the allegations? Well! There is no smoke without fire. The internet is full of people who spoke about their terrible experiences and others have corroborated it all. The evidence has been enough to bring down a titan like her and that can't happen on the basis of false rumours. She is a billionaire and is all set for life. So I don't think it really really matters to her. She can comfortably carry on her life even without the show. Let's hope that her being ousted might bring some succour to people who were indeed mistreated while working on the show.  

(1092 words)

Review: Ali Wong's Single Lady

Ellen Deneres and Ali Wong, both have their Netflix specials out this week. Not the first for either. Both successful women with previous specials that did well and I watched. 

Ali Wong has had 3 before this and it seems like most of her specials mark an important event in his life. Her first 2 specials were shot when she expecting each of her babies (who are 6 and 8 now) and one after that. This one is celebrating her divorce and being single again. I did not know that she got divorced but this seemed like big news because she does mention her husband in her previous specials. And no being an Asian has no bearing on the surprise because she's lived in the west long enough for that to not matter. 

Ali has always been outspoken in the stand up. From indulging in gross scatology to declaring hideous pregnancy truths, there is room for little in terms of intelligent jokes. I mean potty jokes are just scraping the bottom of the barrel and isn't the hallmark of a great comedian (Vir Das is usually my benchmark for stand up and I haven't seen him ever do toilet humour) 

But this one took the cake. She is at her raunchiest and crudest so far. The pussy/dick joes can easily be used to make for a drinking game. Add the number of times she alludes to her millionaire status and you'll be drunk as hell by the end of it. It was like her sex playbook of single life on display for everyone. Joke after joke was about how her freedom from the cage of marriage had led to sex with a string of men and her observations on each. 

Why anyone would want to know about her sex and single life is beyond me. Or maybe that's what sells on Netflix. 

The whole time I was watching it, I was like her husband must have watched this and her kids can NEVER watch it. It's their mom literally talking about her lady parts, P in V jokes and with her hand on her pussy, no less. As if the only meaning to being single again is to unleash the sexual animal in you and brag about it on international TV. At one point she actually described going down as - putting the whole where food goes to the whole where food comes out! Gross jokes don't make an intelligent comedian. 

Her slipping in her millionaire status as an Asian woman is also off putting. She bragged about paying off her husband's business school loans in a previous special. She has no qualms openly flaunting her ego of a successful woman who is richer than men in her life. About how her giving head is a privilege because the man gets to come on the face of a millionaire! 

To think that she has the great opportunity to use her power and voice to talk about the issues women face - like Iliza Shlesinger - she talks about how she wants the man to lick her taint as an apology! What a waste! 

Maybe she was trying to talk about how liberating a divorced woman in her 40s can be in today's times. But for me, it totally missed the mark! I should have guessed what's in store for the next hour when she starts her show by saying, as a single mom, all she's interested in is being "dicked down'. 

This special can also be especially triggering for unhappy couples. Or just couples married for over a decade. She declares - "for women, 40 is the golden age — to get divorced". I don't think women feel empowered about being married - they are missing all the sex with different people - or being divorced - not everyone is having their pussy licked by a different man every 3 weeks. Single moms have jobs to go to and kids to raise by themselves. And she is the epitome of how happy she is dating different people through an app. She brags about the "single mom energy" that's so attractive. Alas, everyone isn't a millionaire, Miss. Wong! And some of us would like to make things work especially when they get hard. So while the "fun" she's having is a very personal experience, I don't understand why it is broadcast on a Netflix special! 

And at the end of it, the title is ironic since she is not even single anymore - one more thing I learnt on the special (Since I do not follow celebrity gossip). It's like she took us through all the fun she's having as a single person only to tell us at the end that she has once again given in to the confines of a relationship - which can turn into a cage - as she describes the institution of marriage. 

For me, the show was a 2/5 because it lacked the humour that a comedy special should have. It felt like listening to the sex diary of a single mom - something I am super not interested in. And the presentation is obscene and bawdy instead of being intelligent and empowering. What a waste of an hour! 

I also watched Ellen's Netflix special this week. I did not even know that she was kicked out of her own show for bad publicity about her being mean. And since her special is a whole other sitstorm, I have decided to do a whole other post on it. So stay tuned! 

Have you watched Ali Wong's latest special? What did you think about it? 

What's your approach to shopping?

Shopping or retail therapy is therapy if you enjoy the exercise. Otherwise it just feels like an exercise. 

I have had my own history with malls. When I had not yet started my business and was just a freelance corporate trainer - working on days I had gigs and free on others - there was nothing to do but window shop or actually shop. That was one of the pastimes that I indulged in. Walked around malls and bought stuff that my limited understanding of apparel thought was good. (Turns out it mostly wasn't when subjected to the scrutiny of expert eyes aka my sister) I had no friends to hang out with - still don't - or local family to visit - still don't. A full time job would have given me the employment to keep me busy while my husband was away traveling. But our erratic schedule - even more than it is now - made it impossible to keep regular work times while living with someone who had no schedule. So loafing around in malls was one of the things I did (Don't remember what else I did to fill the hours when I was alone)

Things changed a lot - I'd say for the better when I started my business in 2014. I found a direction in life and my time was spent in gainful employment. I could have chosen to continue living like I did since I did not need to work. But even though I may not perceive myself as a driven, meticulous person who needs something to keep herself occupied, turns out that's who I am. And the next decade went poof in being the diligent entrepreneur who had no time to mindlessly scour the stores in malls. I bought clothes when needed and that's about it. All the shopping that I need before was just because. I never really needed all that because I had nowhere to go really. I also did not have an understanding of my own style. I still have some of those clothes with me and maybe they were in fashion then, but they aren't now. Plus, they don't fit me anymore. There are just lying around waiting for me to reduce to the size I was a decade ago. 

I don't remember if I enjoyed the shopping before. The endless trying of clothes, not knowing whether they really look good on me but buying based on what I feel. Maybe I did enjoy it because I did it so often. But as I became busy with work, I had less and less patience with shopping. I had no time or inclination to loaf around malls. I had more important things to do. And as far as my memory goes, I hate the endless changing of clothes that is required to see what fits. Be it garments or undergarments. It's an exhausting exercise. It gets worse when it's done alone. When there's no one else to help you along make decisions faster. And I have almost always been alone shopping. In fact, I totally gave up shopping mainly because I hated doing it alone. I bought clothes and shoes as and when needed and that was good enough. No need to torture myself more than required. 

With the pandemic came online shopping. I don't think I did a lot of online shopping before. But Amazon became - and still is - my one stop shop to buy almost anything. From laundry bags to underwear - it has every thing. I was wary of buying stuff that needed a size but with trial and error, one can easily figure that out. it's just experience. And with easy return and exchange policies, Amazon is the ultimate heaven for shopping. I haven't tried buying clothes online as a habit because you never know what'll turn out but I might soon try that as well. 

I went to the mall today and as usual it is so hard to figure out what'll look good on me by just looking at rows and rows of clothes on hangers. Most of them look the same. Or I don't like the kind of fashion they are. When I see people wearing something I like, I wonder where they got it from. You'll never pick something unique off a rack unless you have the knack for it. And years of shopping experience has taught me that I don't have that - like at all! So when I go around to buy stuff - esp ethnic clothes - I find myself lost in a sea of colours, shapes and lines and I have no idea what to even pick up to try. One can try for free but what a chore that is to put on and remove garments one after the other and hope to make the right decision about each based on the few seconds one gets to wear them in the trial rooms. 

With my new found love for dresses, I did try quite a few and picked a couple finally based on the look and fit. Given how little we step out now and I am so bored even looking at all my same clothes, another criteria is the longevity of clothes. I look at something that think - how will I feel about owning this 2 years down the line. Probably what I am buying today will stay in my wardrobe for a long time because I won't be wearing it a lot (another reason why frequent shopping is no longer needed) because I don't go to office very day or have a lot of formal events to attend. Not to sound like Marie Kondo - but will it spark joy in times to come when I look at it or stare back at with buyer's regret. I'd like to believe that I am more careful now with what I buy compared to my carefree days when I just bought anything cz I was out there killing time. I need to be sure. That's what's growing up, I guess. 

What's your approach to shopping? 

(1006)

Are Women Invisible As They Age?

Women over 40 are invisible. It gets worse in their 50s. This is something that I hear often, so I thought how about I dig deep into come research and my ow experiences to see how much of that is true.

Do I feel invisible? I did not think so. It didn't feel like people were seeing through me. But when I consciously paid attention to it, I actually liked the lack of attention. That no one stared at me when I walk down a street. I did not miss the catcalls and the ogling that younger women face. It's a relief when that stops happening. When the negative attention vanishes. When no one gives you a second glance. When no one cares that you are there.  

I think we, as women, are so used to being seen all our lives. We always pay attention to how we look, how we dress up - people take note when we turn up at places. Both from a male and female perspective. So for a couple of decades the focus and attention is on us. Even our own self-esteem depends on all that attention. We want to dress up and look good. It's painful and time consuming but we do it. How we look is at the center of our identity.

And as we grow older, we only grow in confidence. The 40s are the start of our most confident decades. The shitty years are behind us when we did not know better. We spent them learning about ourselves and pandering to other people's needs. We cared about what the world thought and if people judged us. 

40s is the beginning of not giving a damn. As our bodies start going through yet another hormonal upheaval, we just don't have the energy to care. It takes effort to be nice and I am don't making that effort. I know myself so much better and can't be bothered about people who judge me. They can judge all they want - probably that's part of their daily workout. It's not helping me lose the extra pounds. I have more agency over my life because I know, more than ever, what I want and like. 

So how do we come on our own after all the hardships, yet become invisible as we age? That's irony at its best! And when I started reading up, the Invisible Woman Syndrome is real! Apparently the average age of us vanishing in the eyes of others is 52. Less attention at work, fewer promotions - it's like all the wisdom that we amassed over the decades is suddenly useless. So I am guessing that the becoming invisible is more a social phenomenon outside of us than what we feel. 

As we age, we are not candidates for the beauty campaigns that promise everlasting youth. Our skin is beyond the powers of plumping agents.  The threshold for that is the 30s where you catch them young - wrinkles and fine lines. 

We suddenly become contenders for every thing anti-ageing. On closer look, the term itself is pretty aggressive if you ask me. "Anti" ageing - as if the process of ageing is dangerous like UV rays or maybe, cancerous. We needs weapons to fight it. From skincare, to haircare - everything is a separate class helping you cope with the inevitable change of life - like ageing a malady. 

In fact, I haven't come across an apparel campaign which helps older women dress better. I think the older you get, the less polite it is to refer to you as old but the invisibility cloak also obviates the need for such a campaign. 

So all the marketing and advertising is aimed at younger women. The models who project the perfect form of beauty we should aspire to makes us feel like a sack of potatoes. No wonder we sometimes want to just curl into a ball and hide inside mother earth. How many of us have been grappling with the question - to grey or not to grey - including me! I know that when I let it all grey, the way people look at me will change. The way I look at myself will change. It takes courage to look our true selves. Although I wear sneakers with dresses now - heels be damned - and will nonchalantly step out without make up, I still haven't found the valour to let my hair grow out in all it's greying glory! 

In fact, so unfriendly is the world towards ageing women that I found a blog dedicated to making travel easy for older women. 70% solo women travellers feel that the travel industry doesn't understand their travel needs. Boy! wish I had travelled when the world was still a friendly place for me. 

This brings me to the question: Do I feel invisible? Have I personally felt ignored in restaurants, work places or social spaces? I don't think so. I have only gained confidence in my 40s. I make my opinions count be it, in my work and my personal life. I've become more vocal about what I want and how I want things and more proactive and going and getting them and making things happen. Like I said I am more comfortable in my skin so I don't care about heels or make up. Is it because I know no one's watching me? I wonder! 

Come to think of it, 40s and 50s is way too young to become invisible. given the life expectancy that we have now, what about the time when we get older? With visible wrinkles on our faces and a pronounced creaking of our joints, extending our hands to find support to hold on to as we walk. I don't know what are the remedial measures to make the world see us again and not be defeated by ageism. Maybe we need to be more vocal, make our presence felt and have the world accept us in the our new avatars - sans makeup and every thing. 

What do you think? 

(1004)

Chasing the high Isn't Always A Great Thing

When I started my sabbatical, I got a lot of advice from people (still do) Travel, some said. It's so great to see new places. You have the means and the health to do it. Get a PhD, someone said. You have all the time now. Get a pet. It's going to be good to have some company. 

When I started my sabbatical, I had a long list of things I wanted to do. I had the luxury of not and the freedom from working every day. I could learn a new language, explore drums circle, join an improv class. Find a new hobby like pottery, read and write like an academic, maybe get a book out. 

All great ideas but none of them have become a reality...yet! The problem with what others suggest is that they have no idea about what my life and what I want. They don't know what to tell someone on a sabbatical. So they look at all the free time I am likely to have and throw vague suggestions hoping to help me navigate this phase of my life. 

The problem with my own ideas was that I was over-reaching. I knew that one had to do something useful with all the time a sabbatical frees up. So I wanted to do the right thing. Go out there and try tons of different things while I could. 

The problem with both sets of suggestions is the false satisfaction of chasing the high! Freedom from work has to mean something. And that freedom has to be made the most of. Do things I'd never do otherwise, achieve things that I did not have time for till now, reach that pinnacle of feeling accomplished! 

But what did I actually do? Nothing. At least for the first 2 months, literally nothing. And then I had life and guests take over for a bit. Then I was back to doing nothing for another couple of months. But there was no movement towards any of the lofty goals I set for myself. There was no action to turn myself into this new and interesting person who tries out diverse things. 

Every time I thought of getting to those goals, it just seemed against the spirit of a sabbatical - at least my kind of sabbatical. The whole reason why I went on a break was to stop making to-do lists that needed me to do things. To not have the pressure of unfinished tasks mar my peace of mind. And to just be! 

And every list that had me chasing the high smacked of a midlife crisis. Like I was trying to inject enthusiasm into my boring life. And that wasn't the case. First of all, I would never accept that I am a boring, middle aged woman who needs to make a list that can keep the zeal of living alive. Plus the whole idea for me was to take a break from tasks and deadlines. 

I also knew that I will feel like doing things in their own time. I do not want to give in to the pressure of what I'd tell people what I was doing with my time. I think that's for people with active Instagram accounts who need content to post 6 times a day! Something interesting has to happen every 2 minutes - but I had no such compulsion. And I like it - still! 

I have realised that the culture of chasing the high is every where. I have met just one other person who's on a sabbatical and he went back and started posting on Linkedin about his sabbatical. Whereas I deliberately refrained from making my absence about my absence. That seems so counter intuitive. People find the idea of doing nothing very hard to understand. Something has to be buzzing all the time - posting about their daily adventures and waiting for the notifications to ping. And hence one has to indulge in hobbies that one can talk about. Or just feel the high of life. 

In fact, I discovered something and about me that led to something good. I found that my brain fog actually got worse this year. Maybe my active mind struggled less to remember things although I did fumble in sessions and meetings. It has become really hard to read non-fiction books. I am nowhere near the speed that I used to read at. 

And so I discovered the joy of reading slowly. Which has been a great relief! Once I accepted that trying to read fast was only muddling my mind and that reading fast is not a criteria to read books, I felt better. I sometimes read a chapter in 2 sittings because 30 pages is too much for my mind to assimilate together. It's a joy not having to rush or feeling inadequate because of the slow reading. 

In fact. I have decided to read only one non-fiction book at a time because that'll take a while. I don't want to make it anymore complex than it needs to be. In fact, I won't be counting the number of books I read next year. I have realised that that also puts undue pressure on finishing a certain number. As long as I am reading a book at a given time and enjoying it, I have nothing else to prove to anyone. 

Chasing highs can be great, but going slow and lowering my expectations to suit my changing mind, body and life situations has been the biggest lesson I have learnt this year. 

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Review of Hearstopper Season 3

The much awaited season 3 of Heartstopper was released this week. While a lot of us binge watched it in one go, others have staggered it voluntarily or because of their busy schedules. I watched it in 3 sittings and for me, this season grossly missed the rainbows and unicorn feel of the show. While the look of it is still la la land, the spirit of it is a lot more serious  than the previous seasons. 

While I did expect the themes to get darker - from my reading of the webtoon - I did not expect to be plunged right into it 5 minutes into the new season. Considering the serious themes that this season explores - like ED and self-harm - this series should now come with a trigger warning right at the start. I had second hand triggers about ED and I can only imagine how triggering it can be directly for people who've been through this. 

Charlie and Nick get the most screen time considering they are the lead pair, followed by Tao and Elle - for some reason - and the rest were sorta ignored - for some reason! Also, one big thing that seemed different this season is that the characters who are queer are not a part of the real world but HS seems to be a world of queer people in itself. From the teachers to every member of the friends group is queer or grappling with their identity. Isaac is as different as it gets in this group. I can't imagine how a straight person/couple would fit into this dynamic. 

It's great to have actual teenagers play these roles but I have realised that there is a big dissonance there. Time elapsed in shows is way shorter than in real life. And these kids are way grown up in real life to seem fit right back into the story that has moved barely a few weeks or months. Kit Connor stands out as an example here. He definitely has the body of a grown up and his muscles are a result of more time put into the gym than the time his character has spent on Heartstopper. It kinda stops you from seeing him as the character, but the person behind it. 

While the focus on the 2 main couples is razor sharp, the rest of it is disjointed and just hurriedly flung in between the other scenes. For instance, Elle's dysphoria gets one scene. I am sure it's a lot more intense to deal with in real life (I never agreed with Elle and Tao as a pair, I would have liked at least one pair to remain friends just to add some diversity to the group) 

Isaac's coming out gets one scene and he was rightly pissed as I'd be, if I were him. I think they intentionally depicted it this way to show that everyone expects teenagers to behave a particular way. What about the ones who don't want to jump into relationships or into bed with others. His friends were insensitive about him feeling bad instead of understanding him. They are horrible at comforting him and being there for him. I think the words aro and ace are also very casually thrown around. When Isaac says he doesn't want to be with anyone, Charlie is quick to throw a label at him. I don't think it works that way in real life. But then this is a world of all queer people and I am not one so how would I know! 

Imogen came out!!!! They skipped the whole struggle she must have gone through with her identity crisis. She does tell Nick in Season 2 that she understands when he says he doesn't know who he is and feels lost. Her reasoning is so on point - she wanted boyfriends only because that's expected of her but she never really liked any of them. But she gets her moment alone with Nick - which is one scene!! 

Darcy's non-binary experiment got one scene! It's like they forgot to budget for these characters in season 3. They are just after thoughts with no character development. I get that Charlie's ED was critical to the plot of this season and I think they should have saved these big pieces for future seasons. The non-binary representation is merely token if you ask me 

I don't know how well they portrayed the whole ED thing because I do not have first hand experience with this but I constantly felt that no one was giving Nick's mental health any attention. He is a teenager, after all and it's a lot to deal with your partner's mental issues when you've just emerged from dealing with your own identity challenges. He tries to be there for Charlie as much as he can. And that's brave at his age when other people his age are off making out etc, he is waiting for his boyfriend to be out of a mental health facility. That's why I said this season is pretty sombre. The fact that Olivia Colman did not come back as Nick's mother did leave a void. I think it would have added a great texture to have a couple of scenes where nick has her to lean on - as she's shown to be a great parent. 

Season 3 seems like an instalment of the Heartstopper webtoon. It jumps right into the middle of thing that the last season built up and ends abruptly as if you can expect the next episode next week. It shows a whole year but some characters shine while others hardly get their time in the sun. I am curious to see how the next season pan sout. I am not looking at how it co-relates with the books since I don't remember lall of it. I guess where Nick goes to college will be a big one next season. 

Season 1 continues to remain my favourite! It's all rainbows and unicorns and that's what makes HS so unique!! Bubblegum and candy of teenage love! 

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Why So Much Hate For Lily Aldrin?

How I Met Your Mother is the story of 5 friends who live in New York. Lily and Marshall are high school sweethearts, due to be married soon. Ted was in college with Lily and Marshall and now they all live together. Barney and Robin are later entrants to the group. Ted has a thing for Robin, who marries Barney and eventually is divorced. This might be quite a spoiler if you haven't managed to watch the show in the last 2 decades since its release. 

The series premiered in 2005 - and this piece of information seems sorta relevant for the plot point I want to discuss today. At the end of season 1 - that's 2005 - Lily breaks up with Marshall, calls off their wedding to pursue an art program in San Francisco. And she faces a lot of hatred for this from the male characters(esp ) and the fandom. There are a few supporting voices but most of them call her the B word for doing that. Let's look at it all again, shall we? 

Right from the start, Marshall and Lily are projected as this perfect couple - aspirational for people like Ted and Robin who are looking for their partners. In fact, through out the series, they are made fun of for being joined at the hip as this cloyingly in-love couple of the group. It's like this is their identity and function in the show. But We are all humans! And Lily was just being that when she panics about marriage. 

It's a scary prospect 

To settle down with the first guy you dated in college is indeed a scary prospect. If you ask me, Lily is as scared of that as she is of being boxed into matrimony. She feels the walls closing in and she reacts. Maybe going for the art program was her way of not wanting to commit to her college sweetheart. And if she doesn't have the answer to whether she'll be back in 3 months, that's an answer too. No one can force her to make a decision or marry except be there to support her and talk to her about what's up!

What's wrong in exploring? 

As the D-day comes closer, Lily feels like she's going to get trapped in - married with a kinder garden job forever! She wants to explore before she is tied down to one person for a lifetime. Job at Barney's company is exploring for more money was Marshall's art program. He deviated from his plans too. And wouldn't she have been miserable at some point in her life with the "what if" rankling at the back of her mind. She could have acted out after years of marriage and filed for divorce - would that have been better? But her wanting to try something for herself unencumbered by the commitments of a wife is made to seem like the ultimate act of betrayal. 

Was break up the only way? 

Since Lily was also revolting against settling down with one person, I'd say that's what she wanted to do and accepting an art degree in the opposite corner of the country was an excuse to get out. And I am only happy that Lily asserted herself and saw the world a bit on her own. Do I think that she gave up too fast? yes! For everything that she sacrificed she should have stuck it out a bit. But she was so used to being a part of a couple that she settled right back into the complacence without trying what else is out there. However, sometimes we have to try other things out to know what we were or did suits us the best. And she got to do it. 

How the guys reacted

I have a problem Marshall acting like a dick. And they aren't even married yet. He could have sat he down and calmed her nervous breakdown. He only focusses on her leaving - not on the "why" of it. They are merely 2 weeks (a week?) away from marriage and that kind of insensitivity doesn't look good on a husband. 

Ted is a very bad friend because he already knew Lily was going through something and he did nothing to support her. He is an an a**hole about it because he is stuck with Marshall when he just started going out with Robin. When Lily calls him before and tells him about the interview, he dissuades her from going! She tries telling him why this is so important for her - because she hasn't made any mistakes ever. And sometimes one has to make mistakes to know that, in hindsight, that was a mistake. Words of wisdom for life! Instead of trying to understand her, Ted tries to stop her from exploring her real self. No wonder she couldn't talk to anyone else about it. 

When I rewatched it recently, I actually had to check the year the sitcom was made. Why is there so much of hatred for a woman wanting to pursue her dreams. From her fiancé to her friend, everyone wants her to go back to being the one-half of a perfect couple. It's like she's already been labelled and people have a problem dealing when she wants to move away from that identity. 

Could she be married and paint?

Some people in the fandom wonder if her dreams couldn't be fulfilled after she got married. Well! Every woman who's been married knows the answer to that question. Like it would have been a piece of cake to get Marshall and the gang's blessings to take off for an art internship after they are married and committed running a household together! 

Lily has an existential side to her 

While choosing the art program gets a lot of flak, no one seems to have noticed that Lily does have an existential side to her. When her baby is very young, she tells Marshall - thankfully they have matured as a couple by then and can talk to each other - at some point, the best years of one's life are behind us. She still regrets not pursuing painting and with being a mum, painting full time is an even more remote possibility. So while we all consider Marshall and Lily to be the perfect couple, Lily does go through moments of pensiveness pondering about where her life went - as any woman is wont to do at different points in her life. 

Just 2 decades later, I feel Lily should have been given the non-judgemental freedom to explore who she is. I was surprised at the hatred she got from the characters in the show and how she justifies herself constantly when she comes back from SF. 

Ironically most of the people who judge her in the fandom are women! And I'd like to believe that if this same situation were to arise today, we'd give her character and ambition a more positive connotation. That it'll be natural for her to be a person on her own without being defined by her relationship. That she can choose to marry and paint or not marry and paint and she won't be called the B word by her own college friend for that. That she deserves a fiancé who'll understand that while she supported him through his law school debts, it's okay for him to be there for her dreams. 

And that it's almost 20 fucking 25 and women should be allowed to just be who they want to be! 

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