Mother, daughter, sister, wife, companion. Have you noticed how women are showered with titles - mostly due to others in their lives? She is never someone in her own right. Like there is literally no term for it. There's a "man" of the house, but no "woman". And that one word says everything about the man. That's enough for his identity. And yet it's a woman who needs so many terms to define her, each one with its own connotations.
I was a daughter and sister for the first 28 years of my life. Actually a daughter, for the most part. Obedient, pliant, docile. I wasn't the quietest but was taught that women shouldn't be outspoken. Mould yourself into who others want you to be. Put others first. Keep your opinion to yourself.
And then I got married. And the tag of a wife, not just redefined my previous roles (at least in my case) but also brought a whole lot of new relationships. Surprisingly, most of them required me to be obedient, pliant, docile. And I continued being that. Or maybe that was just 28 yrs of conditioning just oozing out of my being. I learnt the basics of running my new house, getting along with the new family, impressing the extended clan (who knew nothing about me but continued to judge me from afar for years to come) But I did all that within the system that was created before I became a part of the household. The pliant part came in very handy there. Well done, mom and dad! Great job grooming the daughter to become the ideal daughter-in-law.
But there was also the other part of me. A part important to my identity. The one that did not have a name. A professional isn't included in the list of roles a woman traditionally plays. I always had a voice. And I was great at my work and that literally required me to have a voice. But it never mattered that I also had a competent trainer in me - the woman with a voice, who wasn't scared to talk in front of people and who, as I ironically, realised later, helped other people find their voice. No one asked or cared about that identity of mine. I was only judged for how I was as a daughter-in-law and wife, for my house keeping skills. And how docile I could be through it all.
The next identity should ideally have been that of a mother. Not that I never wanted to be one but it turned out that it wasn't meant to be. When I see other women with kids, I think that's the identity that takes the most out of a woman. Yes, men supposedly contribute in today's times but they will never match the physical, mental, emotional investment that a woman makes in a having and raising a child! Boy! That's a 20-year commitment of her life right there - per kid (it's easy with the second one is just a myth! It just all doubles!) As I watch from afar, I think things only get harder and more challenging. Being responsible for how a whole new individual turns out is a helluva responsibility!
But in my life, all the time and effort fostering identities marriage gave me was turning out to be a waste. And I just went out there and forged another identity. That of an entrepreneur. And this was at a time when working people still did the rounds of their offices 5 days a week from 9-6pm. I never had a job to go to so I never adhered to that schedule. And somehow my work wasn't considered legit because of that. I was still considered to be sitting at home, being a house wife with all the time at people's disposal. The new identity did not count. No one knew or wanted to know about it. And this coming from people who did not even want to know me as a person, let alone a professional.
I am grateful and happy that I had the means and the freedom to construct this new me - which was going to be a huge part of me in the years to come - with the solid support of my better half. Anything I wanted to do, he was game. Even though we are a couple of decades into the new century, let's face it - spousal support is key in any endeavour one wants to embark upon. It should work both ways but it is more so for the woman. I have always counted my immense luck in this department and think that that trumped every one else who couldn't love me for who I am. One person has been enough!
As I put in years of hard work building my independent identity and my business, I realised that few people at work really knew me as the person I am. The work identity excluded my home identity. I planned my work around my home life and declaring personal challenges was not a part of work. Somehow, I could never be a whole person and be appreciated for everyone that I am. I could only be one identity at a time.
And if it's possible for my life to get more ironic, through the better part of my life as an entrepreneur, I remained a wife first. Putting the needs of the better half above everything else. The flexibility that my work gave me made it possible. So while I was building a new identity, I still was stuck to the old ones. Deep ran the conditioning to be be wife and daughter in law first. Every other person that I was, came later. But I did not mind because this is one relationship that gave me room to grow into whoever I wanted to be. I could tolerate and put up other identities that were judged and always feel short in other people's estimate because this one gave strength and confidence to be who I really wanted to be.
In fact, everyone knew a fragment of me and thought that was me. Look around you - the people you know are just parts of what you see.
I know someone who had a full fledged career but has now decided to just run the house. I cannot appreciate the identity she has as a working woman because I met her after she gave that up. But I am always aware that she was someone so much more before I knew her. And giving up that identity means something to her. I don't know that part but it existed.
I see a mother with a young child also struggling to get her business up and running. That's the person I know. But then she was also successful trainer once with no encumbrances of being a mother and a wife. She took on more identities because the society told her she should. What's worse, social mores don't even let her confess this is not how she wanted her life to be. I see her flailing to hold on to who she is and wants to be - out of the roles that society has tied her into.
I see this happening with women all the time. Even at work, we carry the conditioning of our personal life. Women who keep quiet at work, when they should actually speak up, fail to assert their professional identities. They let the personal seep into the professional. They give in to the "man" of the office because when "boss" is applied to a woman, it's not as a good thing.
Through all of these people that we are - I have realised that our identity gets so fragmented that we need to scavenge through the myriad roles to find our true selves.
So who am I, at the end of the day?
It's taken me more than a couple of decades to find that answer. To finally shed the roles and tags that society forced me into. I refused to be defined by extraneous labels that people think I should be. I have worked hard to break the mental shackles of a lifetime of conditioning. To come on my own and be the true, authentic self that I am. I don't feel the need to be interpret myself through marriage or motherhood. I was comfortable when I worked and when I took a sabbatical. I don't feel the need to cling to any one identity to make me feel like I matter. I am who I am today - take it or leave it!
And I think if you ask any woman, each one strives to be just herself. And be respected for it. If times are changing, why should women be compelled to live through different identities that others have laid out for her! Mother, daughter, sister, wife, companion. How about we let women be just themselves!
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