Day 27: Why do "people" want to know?

Women get asked a lot more questions than men (Photo credit)

If I got a nickel for every time someone asked me a question that is none of their business, I'd be rich! Like RICH! And I've realised I don't even have to think of all the different questions I got asked over time. The one to top the list is - Where my (forever travelling) spouse is now? And trust me, sometimes even I wouldn't know the answer - or dint care to remember - if he was on a multi city tour in a week. But I'm guessing it's important for people to know.

The next one has got to be when am I going to have a baby! Boy! That's like a staple conversation topic with childless people. (Thankfully, the kid question dwindled out of my life after the initial years except for a few people in the family who just won't let it go! I should really start charging nickels, I guess! LOL!)

And I'll venture to put in a third one since the people who ask this have absolutely nothing to do with it and they still ask - When is a member in my family finishing her Ph.D? And if you know the Indian culture, you definitely can guess the conversation this question is leading to...yeah! you got it!

There are several others related to work too. People find it hard to comprehend that I have any real work to do without a job that keeps me out from 9-5. One question that really gets my goat is, "What plans?" And there's a whole lot of them throughout the year - Your birthday, spouse's birthday, long weekend, Holi, Diwali, Christmas, New Year or the wedding anniversary! Phew!!

And the frustration at this barrage of pointless questions definitely gives way to rolling on the floor kind of laughter. And I really want to ask people, no matter how life altering the topic - how the fuck is that any of their business?? But in our culture, (honestly, I don't know about other countries/cultures) it's everyone else's business but yours. From your marital status to the number of kids you have (or the absence of it), what you wear, what time to arrive home at night, what kind of lifestyle you lead is the business of everyone who has no other business.

And the scrutiny is more pronounced if you are a woman. There is "best by" date for an unmarried woman. And the friendly neighbourhood aunty -who obviously  has nothing else to do - will be able to give you the correct estimate. And if you shrug at it, she'll threaten you with, "It's already late!". By the way, the same threat - sometimes rephrased as, "It's time now" - applies to the having-a-baby question too. Try indulging her with answers and you had it! "Never" is never an acceptable answer. Pat comes the next one, "Why?" The thoughts furiously whirling in aunty's head are - Gay? Medical problem? Try giving them reasons - career, busy life - that sound valid to you and they'll shoot them right out as rubbish. After all, people know better about what we should be doing with our lives than we do! Trust them!

I have had women judged for having a job and taking care of kids. And eyebrows raised if she quit her career to care for her kids full time. "So, are you never getting back to your job?" There, you just trampled on the last of whatever was left of her self esteem!

If you ask me, all this is just a conspiracy of people who-have-not to drag us down with them. When a mom of two pulling her hair out tells me to have a baby since it's so life altering, I just know it! Since the neighbourhood aunty can't wear short dresses and party till 4 am, she is definitely going to tut tut and declare that as immoral.

Of late, my policy is to avoid running into neighbours altogether. I don't want to kill their joy of asking where my spouse is off to by telling them that he doesn't travel much now. And others who have questions about my work etc get generic responses enough to end the conversation. I now believe that the fewer people I meet, the lesser the nonsense in life!

Interestingly enough, I had this post idea in mind for a long time and today's cover story in Times Life - So, when are you settling down? - really pushed me to finally write it. While this post is my personal experience, the piece in Times is relevant to every woman even in today's times.

So, moral of the story: If you are ever confused about your life and you should go to random people. They always always know better than you about your own life.

Have you - I am sure you have - spill your experiences here! If there are any guys who read this post, I'd love to hear from you too! Are you guys also exposed to scrutiny and unwanted advice like women do?

This post is written for #NaBloPoMo which stands for National Blog Posting Month hosted by BlogHer every year.

Thank You For The Platitudes, Mr. Bachchan!

I want to begin by saying how much I have admired Amitabh Bachchan as an actor and is probably the only hero I want to meet in real life. Apart from his acting prowess, another thing that has always drawn me to him is his command over languages and the power of enunciation in his narration. 

But this adulation for him suffered a sizeable dent when I read his letter to his grand daughters - which he says is a must read for all girls. I've started writing this post in auto pilot once I saw the video version of since I have to get this out here. 

First of all, thank you sir, for the platitudes you have offered as advice to your children with the belief that it is going to be helpful to them. And then going ahead with so many contradictions that I am sure confused about what to follow in the letter. Although Mr. Bachchan says that his girls should make their own decisions and be people in their own right, he starts by drooping their shoulders with the load family honour! He tells them not to be bound by boundaries others set for them but begins by setting quite a decisive one himself! How is it liberating for any woman to be burdened by family honour? Why isn't the same letter written to the sons of the family recommending responsible behaviour to them? Isn't every woman in this country already burdened enough with family, societal, marital (among others) pressures to behave in a certain way? He does the same with his grand daughters by telling them outright that their behaviour reflects on the rich legacy they inherit. 

The rest of his advice seems like a list from a bad gender rule book that women threw out decades ago. Women have already fought the barriers of hierarchy and shattered them in a lot of ways. We know and no longer accept that the length of our skirts is a measure of our characters. (This could be the most cliche anyone can get!) Although he says it's a "difficult" world for a woman, rest assured that the family name his girls carry will indeed protect them from a lot of atrocities that common women struggle through.  

Everyone knows that the Bachchan family is a repository of traditional values even in today's times. It's the Bachchan legacy at play here too. How about starting women's liberation movement right from his house! How about letting his own daughter in law choose and decide if she'd like to have a home of her own that isn't run by others' rule? She is someone's daughter and she also must have been taught to speak her mind and not give in to others' boundaries. How about that? And he completely left out the mothers of these daughters and the legacy and brought up that they bring to the table. This just reflects on how hard the women in his own household will have to struggle to be considered people worthy of mention. 

I highly doubt that his advice will be relevant when Aradhya is old enough to understand all this. She will be a woman in a much better world. A world where women have paid to achieve unprecedented levels of equality. Not that Navya or Aradhya will ever ever have to fight for their place in society or the world at large. The very legacy that binds them is also liberating is a strange way. 

And in the end I want to say that women have had enough of people telling us what to to, how to behave, what to wear and what is at stake if we don't follow those rules. It is saddening and disappointing when such advice comes from a popular figure like Mr. Bachchan who has a fan following across the world and is held in high regard. 

Here is the text of the letter as published in The Times of India:

My very dearest Navya & Aaradhya

You both carry a very valuable legacy on your tender shoulders – Aaradhya, the legacy of your pardadaji , Dr Harivansh Rai Bachchan…and Navya, the legacy of your pardadaji , Shri H P Nanda….

Both your pardadaji ‘ s gave your present surnames celebrated fame, dignity and recognition !

Both of you may be a Nanda or a Bachchan, but you are also girls…women !

And because you are women people will force their thinking, their boundaries on you.

They will tell you how to dress, how to behave, who you can meet and where you can go.

Don’t live in the shadows of people’s judgement. Make your own choices in the light of your own wisdom.

Don’t let anyone make you believe that the length of your skirt is a measure of your character.

Don’t let anyone’s opinion of who you should be friends with, dictate who you will be friends with.

Don’t get married for any other reason other than you want to get married.

People will talk. They shall say some terrible things. But that doesn’t mean you have to listen to everyone. Never ever worry about – log kya kahenge.

At the end of the day, you are the only one who will face the consequences of your actions, so don’t let other people make your decisions for you.

Navya – the privilege your name, your surname offers you, will not protect you from the difficulties you will face because you’re a woman.

Aaradhya – by the time you see and understand this, I may well not be around. But I think what I am saying today shall still be relevant.

This may be a difficult, difficult world to be a woman. But I believe that it is women like you that will change that.

It may not be easy, setting your own boundaries, making your own choices, rising above people ‘s
judgement. But YOU !…you can set an example for women everywhere.

Do this and you would have done more than I have ever done, and it will be my honor to be known not as Amitabh Bachchan, but as your grandfather !!

With all my love

Your ….Dadaji ….your Nana.

A Woman Is A Woman's Worst Enemy

It's sad that a woman is a woman's worst enemy

I recently met an old, close friend who works in a school. She was talking about how some of her colleagues weren't allowed to go on school picnics because their husbands did not permit them. She said one of the teachers sometimes came to school with bruises on her face and arms. It was evident that she was a victim of domestic violence. A woman with a job and financial independence! When I asked my friend if she did anything to help her colleague out, she just shrugged and said that the girl's parents who lived in another city nearby also did know anything about her plight.

This set me thinking. A woman who evidently is going through something so bad and her colleagues just shrug it off. The woman herself doesn't want to confide in her parents - even her mother! And for what? To keep the 'married' tag intact? How would it affect her kids - she has 2 - to see their mother being treated like this? Isn't she setting the wrong example for them?

In this case, the colleagues who work together could form a bastion she could fall back on and confide. Their backing her up could mean the world to her. And maybe the only encouragement she needs to make that life altering decision, to choose to not put up with humiliation anymore, to take a step towards a better future for her children. But instead we just choose to ignore it like it's not none of our business.

Another friend had an arranged marriage at 24 and found that her husband spent nights out and refused to explain where he went. She confided in her mother hoping to find some support. But her mother told her to ignore it since men did what they wished and asked her to focus on bringing up the kids. By the time she was 30, she had 3 kids and husband who was least interested in her. If her mother supported her, I think her life would have been very different today.

Some of you might wonder why am I finding fault women who are already so helpless! For ages, we have held responsible for the oppression of women. Yes, the man who treats his wife like this deserves to be punished - severely. And I am not supporting him. But I am drawing attention to the fact that women themselves do not support each other. Women, who go through the same grind in our lives and should have the highest level of empathy and support.

Take another situation - the classic tussle between the mother and the daughter-in-law. History is full of instances about how they just cant get along. And the drama is played out in pretty much every household in the country that has them. A woman leaves her house hoping to find the same love and understanding from another woman who also left her family behind at some time. But it doesn't work that way. It isn't empathy that works out here. One unwilling to relinquish control to the new comer and the other hoping to score in other ways. 'Support' is not a part of this relationship dynamic.

A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth is a mammoth 1000 page book. But one of the things that stands out in my memory is about how a character comments that men can divide kingdoms but the women of the house will never be able to decide who gets the pots and pans in the house. And this is so true.

I can go on and on. But the sad fact will remain that a woman is a woman's worst enemy. It is us who keep patriarchy alive. It is us who keep whatever this hatred for each other is called, brewing.
Men just bond over simple things. But women judge! We do! Be honest to yourself and accept it. We bitch about other women, size each other up when we meet and are the first ones to condemn them when we are in trouble. A qualified mom who gave up her career for her children is judged as much as a mother who has a full time job leaving her kids behind. A mother teaches her daughter to keep her periods a secret. She passes on the legacy of being a good daughter in law. Which then goes on to the next generation. And the cycle continues. Haven't you sometimes found an empathetic hearing from a man and felt more comfortable sharing things with a male friend? And it felt better to do it since you knew your women friends would judge and in all probability blame you for your situation?

I don't think we should blame men for any injustice perpetrated on us unless women folk have solidarity amongst us. What do you think? Have you come across experiences that have made you feel the same way?

This post has been written for #CreativeCurves under #BlogOEmotion week and today is day Day 5 with the prompt, Sadness. 

Blog Round up - The Most Popular Posts

Writing makes me jump for joy!

While I am getting back in the groove with my blogging, I thought it was a good idea to share some of the popular posts that got maximum views. Since most of you have just starting discovering this blog in the limelight, it'll be nice to see what I wrote in the past. And it has been a great journey down the memory lane finding them for you. I found that there have been quite a few posts with views between 200-400 views. So I have zeroed in on a few posts you might find interesting.

1. Since one of my hobbies is watching re-runs of sitcoms, the first post is, Unanswered questions from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Having watched the series several times, I realised that familiarity does breed contempt. After the initial novelty wore off, I started wondering about the plot and asking questions, which I thought were pretty valid. Do you agree?

5 unanswered questions from my favourite sitcom, F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2. Indra Nooyi kicked off the hornet's nest when she said that women could not have it all. What do you think? My take:

Should women really have it all?

3. The brutality of Nirbhaya rape shook the nation at it's very core. As a woman, it hit my belief in the very existence of humanity. In this post, I feel no rage, no pontification, just a numb disbelief:

What more can I add

4. I generally don't write about my personal life. But having conquered the 7 year itch in my marriage seemed like a time I could start handing out nuggets of wisdom about the institution. And it got quite a few views too! Here is it:

7 things I learnt in as many years of marriage

5. With feminism and women's rights talked about everywhere, I thought we should spare some thought for the men too. So I decided to jump to their defence and found a lot of places/situations where they might feel left out but we don't care. I think it's a must read for men and women! How far do you agree with me?

Are men really villains?

6. An ode to the zeitgeist of our times, this is a heart felt post for the great times we live in. We have the freedom and the liberty to do what we choose.

Why this is the best time to be alive

Thank you @blogchatter for inspiring me to start writing again. This post has been a pretty great one since I could go back and trace my blogging journey. From someone who wrote as a novice to someone who picked up the ropes along the way, I can see the transition in me as a blogger. My titles are better, thoughts more structured, presentation numbered or sub headed and included images. The journey of learning do's and don't's has been long, painstaking but fun! I can't think if anything else that gives me greater joy than producing a piece of great writing! 

What outrages the modesty of a woman?

What outrages the modesty of a woman? How does one know if someone meant it or a woman is taking offense where none was meant? Is she at fault if she isn’t comfortable with what someone said to her? Or should she be trolled for speaking her mind? 

These are some of the questions that come to my mind at the ongoing furore about the objection Ms. Charlotte Proudman had to the mail that Alex Carter-Silk sent to her. While my blogger friend, Ankita thinks Proudman over-reacted, I somehow find myself at the opposite end of the argument. And here’s my side of the story:

I came to know about this episode through a tweet which had this Mashable link on it which has both their mails. I, then, came across this photo in the newspaper the next day. 

This set me thinking. This wasn't just some woman who got offended and wrote a mail and the matter finished. There is a whole lot of debate around it. I went back and read the mails. I discussed this with some people on Twitter. People seemed to be divided and there was no clear picture as to who people thought was right or wrong here. To my surprise, there are quite a few women who feel that Charlotte over reacted. She should have just shrugged it off as just another compliment instead of raising a rabble about it. But, I say, Charlotte found it offensive enough to write back on a professional network probably jeopardising her career prospects. This calls for digging deeper. 

When I think about it, the first thought that comes to my mind is how I’d react if someone sent me a mail like this on a professional network. That makes me go back to the mail and consider what could be offensive to a woman. Basics first, this person is almost double the age. Somehow that calls for more awareness about how your message could be perceived. Secondly, this is his first mail he wrote to Charlotte. I have written and received several ‘thanks for connecting’ emails on Linkedin but I don’t remember that dwells on how I or someone else looks. If I were to have 2/3rd of someone’s mail dwelling on my DP and adding one last sentence about his interest in my skills, I will definitely find that odd. 

I’d be ok even if he had just mentioned - you look stunning (though that’s not a word to be used in the professional context, not in the first mail) and moved on to his interest in working with her on the projects he found mutually beneficial. But he seems to be well aware of the implications of what he is saying, a seasoned lawyer that he is - “horrendously politically incorrect” and still says it. He himself uses strong words to say this might be very inappropriate - if he meant it just as a passing comment why couch it in defensive words so strong?

And he doesn’t stop there. He also awards her the best picture on Linkedin award. And when I read it, it feels like that’s all he is talking about and by the time he comes to her skills, it’s lost all meaning. It also looks like this guy definitely isn't aware of boundaries when he calls his own daughter hot! 

Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for a minute and say - he did nothing wrong. Let’s consider how Charlotte must have felt. First of all, I totally believe in women’s instinct and the vibes that people give out even online. I am a woman who is active online. I make decisions about who to follow and who not to follow. I have had people compliment on the first chat and it did not feel offensive. And some others did not come out right and gave me second thoughts with what they said even after a few chats. It’s the vibes. Can anyone decide for me? Can you tell me if I should have felt offensive or not? Can even I explain why I get a certain feeling about someone. That’s why it’s called instinct. A woman knows a touch, words, tones - she just knows it! 

Assuming that Charlotte has even average intelligence, I don’t think she would just fly off the handle like this and create a furore. It must have come across as insulting to her. And I totally empathize with her. I am sure she has spent enough years becoming a successful professional and here is this guy only talking about her stunning looks. As an NLP trainer, I know that the onus of communication lies on the speaker, the person who conveys the message. If care is not taken to word/say it properly, don’t blame the receiver. If he is so innocent, I am sure she deserves the benefit of the doubt for being well aware of the implications of what she was doing by writing back. 

And what makes her point stronger is she doesn’t back off amidst the ensuing controversy. But accepts that she is willing to “endure misogynistic backlash that accompanies calling out sexism in hope it encourages at least one woman to feel she doesn’t need to take it.’ This definitely is not a woman who reacted at the spur of the moment, or better still under the influence of hormones - the major contributor to all female tantrums! 

And going by the headlines in newspapers and strewn all over the internet, it is pretty clear to me that once again, Charlotte is the victim. She is being called the Feminazi and isn't being supported by her own gender. If a woman feels insulted, do we question her - worse, even as women or do we support her? If a man chose to inappropriately express himself being fully aware of it being so, what are we doing by judging her? Should we target her with public shaming and silence all other women who may feel offended in the future but choose to endure it silently because we will not support her? Or should we strengthen one voice that had the courage to speak up against what she felt was sexist?

The ball is in your court! 

Why I don't talk about my periods!

When I first came across this website called Menstrupedia which encouraged talking about periods, I found it very odd! I wondered why would a bunch of women sit around and talk about periods! We know this stuff and that’s about it. But the more I explored the site, the more I came to know about the initiative started by Aditi Gupta to educate girls about this hushed up phenomenon which women go through in silence every month. I realised that there was a huge population of girls who have no idea about periods and hence face health issues due to ignorance. Menstrupedia made sure that they went around to smaller cities and villages and spoke about period related issues, educating girls and women. Their initiative is to inform women about what they go through and what are the best ways to manage periods considering a majority doesn’t have access to hygiene products. 

I accept that awareness is important and girls should not suffer because of some outdated notions that periods are unholy or impure. But I don’t understand the unnecessary compulsive need to talk about periods. Yes, considering it a taboo and asking girls to hide it is wrong. Teaching girls to be ashamed of it or of being a girl is wrong. But apart from raising awareness where it is required, I don’t see what is this primal urge to go out of the way and force it on people’s attention. Such things will not kill the taboo but make people crinkle their noses and look away anyways. No, I don’t talk about my periods. I don’t go out of my way to talk about it. I don’t hide it either.

Well! You must be wondering why am I talking about periods then. What forced me to just sit and down and write all this is the valiant deed of a Ms. Kiran Gandhi who is being applauded for running freely with period blood running down her legs. I am sorry if that was too graphic for you. But the world is celebrating this as a triumph for breaking period taboos. How? I don’t know. Going back to where it all started - Ms. Gandhi trained for the marathon for a year and got her periods just the night before the marathon. Kiran, who would otherwise respond like any other girl to a period, “decides to bleed freely and just run”. How is that empowering women or helping them express freely is beyond me. 

Kiran Gandhi (Center) (Photo Courtesy)

The feat has had its fair share of media coverage. Cosmopolitan seems to be one of the first magazines to interview the brave lady. And the questions as you can see are as inane as they can get. Case in point - question 2! 

Some of the responses on Twitter have been:

Kiran Gandhi brings awareness for women who don’t have access to female hygiene products. (Err...aren’t those women already aware that they WILL stain their clothes if they use no protection?)

Many people think periods are gross. Kiran Gandhi tried to raise awareness about that. (Err.. So is the sight of a woman walking around in bloody, stained pants un-gross and beautiful?)

While the Twitter world has not been its usual boisterous self over the Gandhi issue, a few months ago in March 2015, there was a furore over Instagram taking down graphic pictures of periods (use your discretion to view the pictures) posted by Rupi Kaur. The pictures were taken as part of her project to demystify periods. Rupi Kaur shot back a response to the service provider and re-posted her pictures. The story had gained popularity by then and Instagram chose not to take them down again. This was celebrated as a triumph of their project and the right of women to talk about periods. How do pictures of stains and period blood in the commode achieve that is, again, beyond me! 

Both these people, and many like them, believe that presenting periods graphically before the world will raise awareness and debunk myths around the concept. My question, and my problem with the whole thing is, why talk about it just for the heck of it? Just to prove that you are free to talk about it? An even bigger problem is the defence behind the act -  periods are a natural bodily function and hence it should be ok to talk about it and post pictures of it. Agreed! Going by that logic, so are peeing, shitting and sex. (Err..I think something as natural as people having sex, also known as porn, was recently banned in India.) We should talk about all that freely, announce to the world when we go to shit  and post pictures of poop once we are back. And while we are at it, why don’t we start posting pictures of blood stained napkins! Should shatter the mystery once and for all! For everyone! 

I stand my ground of not making a big deal of something that isn’t a big deal. And creating a hullabaloo over it with imbecile theatrics like this doesn’t help the cause. If you want to raise awareness and demystify periods, make it a normal thing to talk about it in your own house. Include men in it. Get every woman to believe that it is normal to talk about it. Tell your sons that it is not gross. Teach them how to be supportive to a woman, any woman, at that time. You want to demystify it? Join a movement like Menstrupedia and demystify it for those poor, hapless girls and women who have no access to information and consider periods a mystery indeed. You want to contribute to the cause? Donate money to organisations like Goonj which make eco-friendly, affordable sanitary napkins for the economically backward women of the country. Unless, your actions have real implications for real people, it’s all a sham. And I think it makes no sense either! 

I'd love to hear what you think about this. Drop me a line here or hit me on Twitter at @Suman_Kher. Let's talk! :)

Would you sell your fertility to your employer?

Photo credit

Finally, huge corporate giants like Apple and Facebook have ushered in a level playing field. After free laundry, unlimited vacations, baby care facilities, the two corporates have come up with an unprecedented perk of freezing the eggs of their women employees. This move should enable them to continue working undeterred by the cruel, ever-ticking biological clock. Both companies have generously offered to pay a whopping $20000 to cover the cost of freezing the eggs and storing them. It’s a day of victory for American women and Indra Nooyi stands vindicated. The dream of motherhood and an excellent career - women can finally have it all!

Or can they?

The move is being touted as an attempt to bring in parity between the workforce which consists of men and women. Women tend to take breaks to have and nurture children setting them back in their career. So, the companies have now decided to free them of this crushing worry. Women employees can now happily concentrate on their careers while their employers will take care of the cost of preserving their fertility.

It’s a great move for the organizations who get the best years of a woman’s life working for them. But are they not encouraging women to delay having children by dangling a sense of false complacency about motherhood in front of them? Are they trying to say that work comes first and parental instincts can wait? Is this a call to compromise on the best phase of a couple’s life nurturing for their child, which translates to better quality of personal life? It’s like saying that since women’s absence while having babies is an inconvenience at work, let’s just take babies out of the equation. Perks to entice talent is great and desirable. But managing the fertility of your employees is taking it a bit too far! To me, it just exposes the sinister desire of companies to win employees’ commitment and cut down on hiring and training costs by giving out a false sense of welfare.

Photo Credit

Let’s look at it from a woman’s perspective. Women have already been meted out a raw deal by Nature and society. They have enough on her plate juggling home and career. The fact that child birth sets them back in their career leads them to postpone it, anyways. But the companies are now offering the delay as an incentive which forces women to hedge on a future possibility which has a very meager chance of success. At least the ticking of the biological clock gets them to consider babies before it is too late. But this perk might ensure that it is too late. Women in their 20‘s, which is the best time to have a child, are hardly thinking about motherhood and fertility issues.

Whether a woman wants to have a baby and when and how she wants to have it are deeply personal issues. Leave alone the company they work for, I don’t think anyone else, except the couple involved, should have the right to decide this critical issue. The employer has no right to tell a woman what she should or should not do about her fertility issues.

Also, are women better off if they postpone motherhood and don’t take breaks? Are they as successful and well paid as men? You wish! There is research to back up the fact that no matter what, women are paid less than men. Even at the cost of postponing motherhood. So who’s losing again? Women! If you want to treat women equally, a good start is to pay her what she deserves. Don’t rob her of it just because of her gender.

Even if a woman chooses to delay pregnancy, how can one be sure that a she will be in a better position to take a break in her career to have kids at 35 than at 25? By that age, wouldn’t she have given up everything she had, including the joys of motherhood, for her career? She is more likely to be in line for promotions she worked hard for all her life. Would she want to give it all up and use the damn frozen eggs because her employers planned it that way for her?

Photo credit

Okay, given that freezing eggs in lieu of a worry-free, flourishing career is a fair deal. But medically, the process is not a party women would love to go to! It’s a 6-week long, invasive, hormones-induced process which makes the ovaries produce multiple eggs, sometimes upto 15, in one cycle. A woman’s body is injected with high doses of hormones to induce the ovary to produce so many eggs in a single cycle. So it’s like dialing up the pressure of hormones multiple times to achieve the results. The eggs are then removed through an invasive procedure and frozen for future use.

Someone i am close to went through the process for IVF, recently. She told me that the process is so long and painful that she wouldn’t wish it for anyone else go through it. Her advice - the best thing for women to do is conceive naturally by planning babies at a younger age.

After going through the arduous process, can a woman stop worrying and fearlessly go back to work? Scientists unanimously agree that the answer is - no. Frozen egg is not equal to a baby in the future. With the advancing years, the success rate also plummets considerably, sometimes dropping to just 35% in the 40's. Hence, the logic that the facility of freezing eggs can preserve the fertility of women to be used anytime in the future is a myth. Freezing doesn’t guarantee children. What do the employers intend to do if 5 years down the line women are unable to conceive through those eggs? Any answers?

Also, are we bidding adieu to the natural process of conception? Is sex, which is also important for deeper bonding between couples, being sacrificed at the alter of professional success? Freezing is supposed to be the last resort and the norm of having babies. Are our conversation in the future going to be - “Honey, it’s time to have a baby! Let’s defrost!” If nature meant babies to be conceived in a particular way, who are we to question and worse still, defy it?

What about men? Why are women being discriminated against here? Are men not going through fertility issues due to long working hours, stress, lack of physical activity and reduced intimacy? Or is it conveniently been ignored in the scheme of things? What if women have frozen their fertility but men lost it in the game? I guess the male fertility preservation can be the perk offered for next year!

If companies care for their employees, both men and women, they should encourage them to have well-rounded lives which don’t expect them to cut back on family life. If corporates indeed want a level playing field for men and women, enable the woman to balance the responsibility Nature entrusted her with. Don’t manage her fertility for her. Accept her the way she is! Encourage her to have children at a biologically safe age without the fear of losing out in her career. Don’t tweak her biology to ensure steady workforce. If you really want to be a caring employer, assure her that you will treat her equal to men when she comes back having fulfilled her personal duties. Give her the power to decide when she wants to enjoy motherhood and not worry about being penalized for it. Give her the right to love her child freely and indulge in her maternal love, not deprive her of motherhood.

Should women really have it all?

Oh boy! Indra Nooyi kicked off quite a debate that almost refuses to die. She was genuinely speaking from her heart and experience! The people, with all the time under the sun, have deconstructed all that she said and reconstructed their reinterpreted versions of it. There are supporting and dissenting voices all over the internet and everywhere else. Both, from men and women. You can watch the video and decide for yourselves. 

It’s strange that we are proud to declare the same woman a paragon of success when we talk about the most successful women in the world. And yet, when she shares her heart felt feelings about how challenging it has been for her to achieve what she has, we pounce on her as if she was guilty of murder or something. All of us, who probably haven’t been even half way through as much as she has. 

It goes without saying that anything related to the male-female divide is rife with unresolved controversy. Should a woman feel guilty? Should she have a career at the expense of her family? Or should she put family first? Should the man also sacrifice as much? Why expect the woman to put her career at stake while the man enjoys full professional privileges? Care to answer, anyone? 

No, i am not here to defend her and uphold her views as correct. i am not going to launch an attack on the people who disagree and prove them wrong. i am not going to talk about how a woman is the ultimate specimen of self-effacement while she fulfills all her duties. In fact, i am going to do exactly the opposite. 

There are no right answers. But I have questions - why should a woman want to have everything? What was wrong with the ancient system where the women took care of the house and men went out to hunt? Isn’t Nature throwing a broad hint about a woman’s role by giving her, not the man, the ability to bear children? And making man, and not the woman, physically strong enough to face the rigours of bread winning? So, wasn’t she originally meant to be the partner handling the home while he went out to handle affairs outdoors? Why did women think they had to go out into the man’s world and prove themselves? Did men ever want to stir curry with a spatula to validate themselves in women’s world? Isn’t running a household the equal half of being a bread winner? Why is going out and working equated with success and being home in blissful domesticity considered inferior? Who set this as the benchmark of success? Haven’t we, as women, accepted and declared that stepping out of the threshold is a sign of masculinity and staying home and running affairs isn’t? Why did we think we weren’t equals in our domestic roles and attributed superiority to what men did? Are we not cribbing about not getting something we weren’t supposed to achieve anyways? Aren’t we carrying the double cross of producing children and yet trying to prove ourselves successful in male dominions? Have we not forced guilt upon ourselves for not being there for our children in the quest for something that wasn't meant for us in the first place? 

Answers….anyone?

Did your napkin transform your life?

Sanitary napkin ads on TV have always made me uncomfortable. i believe it's a matter of very personal choice what a woman wants to use during those days. But off late, they irritate me for a few of other reasons as well. 

i remember these ads from my childhood when the only format was Renuka Shahane - or some other personality- sans make up, start with "Mujhe aapse kuch kehna hai! kaise kahoon....." It had the hush hush tone of talking women stuff in secret. As if men in the drawing room couldn't hear it! But the scene has changed totally today. The woman in the ad is jumping for joy embracing this aspect of her womanhood. Contrary to her 80's counterpart, she's shown frolicking around - always in white, i wonder why - declaring to the world that she has found freedom, with the right brand of napkins.

In times when sanitary napkins are not the only choice for women, these ads are almost outdated. There are so many other media through which women can find out what’s best for them. We don't need in-your-face adverts to tell us what's good for us. Also, television influences and creates impressions on young minds. And these adverts are no short of propagating wrong ideas about best period practices. (more, later)

How does a brand of sanitary napkins ascertain success in life? From exams to bagging a job to lasting a long day in office? Weren’t women efficient and successful when Whisper wasn’t 40% longer? (What are we trying to suck in anyways - the Indian Ocean?) Aren’t fairness creams and whitening toothpastes enough to float that wrong idea around?

Coming to the role of these ads in giving out false ideas. Take the latest ad of Whisper. The message is that we are supposed to jump out of bed even on those days and without Whisper, you are going to wake up tired on that one odd day. But are we really supposed to jump out of bed? Is it not ok to be not-ok on those days and just take it easy? Is it not ok to respect the needs of your body and rest for a bit? Isn't it true that there's more to periods than finding the right sanitary napkin?

The second idea that is promoted - and unhygienically so - is the idea that a napkin can last you all day for as long as 12 hrs! As a product, good for whisper! But is it good for the users? One of the most basic principles of hygiene is to change every 6 hours. It is wrong to make such claims on a medium which can influence teenage minds at a time when they need right guidance. 

i think it’s high time that brands reconsidered their ad campaigns and made them more product relevant. It is one thing to inform people about the new brands available to them as a choice. And quite another to make false assertions about the change their products can bring about in the lives of women. 

Men Vs Women

WOMEN SHOP: i just loooove going around the mall because it's so nice to look around. i don't intend to buy anything. Wow! That blue scarf looks so nice, let me check out more of those.

30 minutes later - none of these scarves are worth buying, i think i'll buy that green shirt. Bhaiya, can i see more colours in this pattern? Show me that red one and the blue one also. Does that jacket go with this?

20 minutes later - How much for this peach one, bhaiya? 200 rupees?? That's very costly. i won't give that much. i'll give only 100 rupees. No? ok forget it! i don't think i like any of them. Will try some other shop.

Passing through a purse shop - i really don't need a purse but there's no harm going and looking at the stuff.

40 min later - i can't believe i got such a good deal on this purse. Wait till i show this to Sheela and make her jealous. i think i should try and look at some junk jewellery now. Since i have come all the way i might try somethings out.

MEN SHOP - Walk into the shop. Head to the desired section. Pick up the desired colour. Try. Buy.

WOMEN TALK: You won't believe i went out shopping yesterday and there were these lovely shirts and i couldn't decide which one to buy at all and this shop keeper showed me so many colours but i wasnt sure so i went and bought a lovely purse instead. In between, i actually wanted to buy one of them but that bhaiya said such a high price that i said forget it. You know i tried this new face wash and it really makes my face look so soft and nice, i'll show you when you come to my house. i have so much work to do at home and just not enough time. What did you make for lunch today? i just made $@%^& because it was so boring to cook today. i am planning to order food from outside for night. A new restaurant has come up in our area, have heard that it is good. You know kids are so happy to eat outside food now-a-days. So i don't mind ordering food because kids means so much of more work that i dont get free time at all to chit chat with anyone, not even with my husband. Today i thought i'll clean my room because its been so long sincei did it that i can't find my things anywhere. Oh btw, did you watch the latest episode of &#(*^ what a big twist in the story! i feel so sorry for urvila, i don't know how she's gong to manage now....

MEN TALK - So how was office today? i am fine. Working towards meeting my targets this year. The markets are so slow. Let's catch up for a drink someday after work.Whatsay?

WOMEN GET TOGETHER: What a lovely saree you are wearing Mrs. Garely! i bought mine from this store in the downtown that has only imported stock. My husband says no local shocal stuff for us. He is going abroad tomorrow and get me imported perfumes from there. Tomorrow i am going to my aunt's house, arre the one who lives in T nagar because she is celebrating her 60th birthday. Oh you should see her the way she dresses up. She just doesn't want to accept that she has grown old. She spends so much on her clothes and make-up i wonder from where she gets all the money. She has so many servants and my bai here does such sloppy work. i told her that if she doesn't work properly i'll kick her out and get someone else in her place. So many girls are available now-a-days. Is that real diamond, Mrs. Dido? oh Solitaire! i like diamonds only from Amsterdam, real diamonds you know. My boss is such a B**** .....

MEN GET TOGETHER - Wonder where our country is heading to with the kind of politicians we have! We have no action plan to fight the recession. Our travel budget has been slashed by half. We can see any hope only if $#@%^ party comes to power. We need young people like Obama to come to power. Btw, i read about this really advanced version of a radio today. It can not just play your ipod and FM channels but also has a remote you can operate it with.

WOMEN UPSET: i just don't have enough clothes to carry for the picnic next week. i also need to buy a matching nail paint with my new dress. $#@$% has such a lovely pair of boots and it suits her also with her slender figure she looks like a chick and all the men must be drooling looking at her. Oh God! i got a fresh pimple last night and i have no clue what to do tomorrow for the get together of our colony society. It should not be too much of a problem because there are going to be only lots of aunties with flabby waists and i can show off my new dress and take their attention off my face and the damn pimple. i also have to go the parlour tomorrow for my facial appointment and waxing i already look like a chimpanzee with hair all over me....

MEN UPSET - i missed the match on TV. 

Where's my old dose?

Women are liberated every where in the world except on the Indian idiot box!!! The serial makers seem to revel in the teary saga of the oh-so-weak-dependent-on-her-husband Bharatiya Naari. What strikes me is that these serials are so far away from the reality that it sucks. Especially from a woman’s point of view. (i don’t know if men derive a vicarious pleasure watching their species dominate women at least on TV, cz that’s where you can find them so often) i am not an avid watcher of the soap sagas. One doesn't have to be. Just run into the promos and that's the high point of the day's episode! Most of them are in the same vein.

It’s good to expose the existence of child marriage and female infanticide even today but the focus seems to get lost through the episodes and it is back to woman-bashing. Milk any situation to get the TRPs going and what’s better to tug at the hearts people (apparently women watch them more than men do) than a bechari woman being put through exploitation.

Without exception, none of these women seem to have a mind of their own. Most serials are endless epics of putting up with gross injustices perpetrated on them. All of them, no matter what time of the day or night, are found dressed in their costumes and jewellery (does that get any farther from real life!) The women are made to put up with the most igniominious situations just to add to the melodrama!!! And all these characters don’t seem to know that her counterpart in real life has transformed her fate. She has left behind men in most professions (I think I can safely say all professions!)

The second most common theme in our daily dose of entertainment is conspiracy, bitterness and politics. Once again, without exception. Even a seemingly innocuous and appealing story of Meera has intrigue and envy surfacing right in its first week. And that was the last time i watched it. It’s as if people have no better business but to concoct schemes and machinations against whoever they can target. None of those characters lead normal lives. There’s always a storm rocking the boat of their lives.

i agree that there are a lot of sections in our society where the women are still at the receiving end. Domestic violence, female infanticide are very much a reality. But i am talking about daily 'entertainment' that craetes recreation and diversion after the end of a tired day. We expect some clean and positive entertainment. Gone are the days of comedies like Yeh jo hai Zindagi, Dekh bhai dekh and classic programs like Buniyaad, Hum Log that depicted family values and were the favourites of the masses.

People responsible for television should realise that these uninspiring stories have so much of potential to become instruments of social change. Today, when we are talking about television as a mode of entertainment and information in every Indian village, it is important that it reflects the positive changes of society. Rather than condone presentation of women in poor light, television should ensure that the less exposed in the society are inspired with stories of man-woman equality and what a woman is capable of achieving.