A Woman Is A Woman's Worst Enemy

It's sad that a woman is a woman's worst enemy

I recently met an old, close friend who works in a school. She was talking about how some of her colleagues weren't allowed to go on school picnics because their husbands did not permit them. She said one of the teachers sometimes came to school with bruises on her face and arms. It was evident that she was a victim of domestic violence. A woman with a job and financial independence! When I asked my friend if she did anything to help her colleague out, she just shrugged and said that the girl's parents who lived in another city nearby also did know anything about her plight.

This set me thinking. A woman who evidently is going through something so bad and her colleagues just shrug it off. The woman herself doesn't want to confide in her parents - even her mother! And for what? To keep the 'married' tag intact? How would it affect her kids - she has 2 - to see their mother being treated like this? Isn't she setting the wrong example for them?

In this case, the colleagues who work together could form a bastion she could fall back on and confide. Their backing her up could mean the world to her. And maybe the only encouragement she needs to make that life altering decision, to choose to not put up with humiliation anymore, to take a step towards a better future for her children. But instead we just choose to ignore it like it's not none of our business.

Another friend had an arranged marriage at 24 and found that her husband spent nights out and refused to explain where he went. She confided in her mother hoping to find some support. But her mother told her to ignore it since men did what they wished and asked her to focus on bringing up the kids. By the time she was 30, she had 3 kids and husband who was least interested in her. If her mother supported her, I think her life would have been very different today.

Some of you might wonder why am I finding fault women who are already so helpless! For ages, we have held responsible for the oppression of women. Yes, the man who treats his wife like this deserves to be punished - severely. And I am not supporting him. But I am drawing attention to the fact that women themselves do not support each other. Women, who go through the same grind in our lives and should have the highest level of empathy and support.

Take another situation - the classic tussle between the mother and the daughter-in-law. History is full of instances about how they just cant get along. And the drama is played out in pretty much every household in the country that has them. A woman leaves her house hoping to find the same love and understanding from another woman who also left her family behind at some time. But it doesn't work that way. It isn't empathy that works out here. One unwilling to relinquish control to the new comer and the other hoping to score in other ways. 'Support' is not a part of this relationship dynamic.

A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth is a mammoth 1000 page book. But one of the things that stands out in my memory is about how a character comments that men can divide kingdoms but the women of the house will never be able to decide who gets the pots and pans in the house. And this is so true.

I can go on and on. But the sad fact will remain that a woman is a woman's worst enemy. It is us who keep patriarchy alive. It is us who keep whatever this hatred for each other is called, brewing.
Men just bond over simple things. But women judge! We do! Be honest to yourself and accept it. We bitch about other women, size each other up when we meet and are the first ones to condemn them when we are in trouble. A qualified mom who gave up her career for her children is judged as much as a mother who has a full time job leaving her kids behind. A mother teaches her daughter to keep her periods a secret. She passes on the legacy of being a good daughter in law. Which then goes on to the next generation. And the cycle continues. Haven't you sometimes found an empathetic hearing from a man and felt more comfortable sharing things with a male friend? And it felt better to do it since you knew your women friends would judge and in all probability blame you for your situation?

I don't think we should blame men for any injustice perpetrated on us unless women folk have solidarity amongst us. What do you think? Have you come across experiences that have made you feel the same way?

This post has been written for #CreativeCurves under #BlogOEmotion week and today is day Day 5 with the prompt, Sadness. 

Why we need one day to celebrate women

I was walking up the stairs of a hotel venue for an event when I overheard this and couldn’t stop myself from turning around to listen. A mother of a girl, about 5 years old, was telling another older woman about how the boys she was playing earlier with in the residential colony wanted to run. And when she tried to join them they told her that she cannot run because she is a girl. The girl seemed distraught at being discouraged by her peers. And her mother was trying to tell her that she can do what she likes and being a girl had nothing to do with it. Since they knew I was listening to this, I reassured the little girl that girls can do anything they want and she shouldn’t let anyone tell her otherwise.

Even though this was just a passing incident, it did stay in my mind even weeks later. I thought the world has progressed. Women are equal. Girls are educated just like boys are. At least the modern educated parents are teaching their boys to treat girls with respect, as equals. Where did these little boys learn that girls cannot run because they are girls. From the grown ups around them, obviously. I felt something break inside me - I think the hope that I had of change in attitudes for girls at least from the generation of these kids. 

I am sure these are the very parents who tell their boys not to cry like a girl. And then when these boys and girls grow up, we complain about boys treating girls inferior and committing crimes against them. Who taught them that girls aren’t worthy of equal respect? Sadly, even parents from better income and education don’t seem to be creating a level playing field let alone ignorant and less educated people from less fortunate economic backgrounds. 

So where does the change start? Actually, nowhere! A woman’s/girl’s status remains where it was. Yes, we have more freedom today. But we also have ruthless rapists proclaiming that girls alone are responsible for rapes. You step out and you deserve to be physically violated just because you are a girl. And your place is to sit at home and take care of everyone. You walk out at night and you risk becoming another Nirbhaya. Worse still, a nameless victims lost in the pages of police case histories. 

Yes, we have better education and almost equal opportunities. But we also have parents telling their boys that you can run while a girl your age cannot. We are hammering home the difference between genders even before kids probably understand the difference. We have already laid the foundation for these little girls to grow up and begin their fight with the system and society to give them equal rights. Which they are never going to get, anyways. 

And I feel this deep prejudice about girls is a part of the DNA of our civilization. And there are seemingly harmless ways in which it manifests itself but nevertheless adds to the bigger picture. To me, even a seemingly harmless comment on a woman’s mood swings just because she goes through hormonal changes (even though her outburst might have nothing to do with being a woman) is an example of it. It’s like she is not a human at all. Just a gender going through vagaries of humour that the female race is generally wont to. 

Even today, it’s a girl who leaves her parents to live with her husband and his family. And before I hear dissenting voices about what a shit load of crap this allegation is, I’d like to say that I am yet to see a husband pack his bags to live at his wife’s! No matter how independent a woman is, she is the one still torn with guilt between home and job. Men have been a huge help, no doubt. But I guess holding ourselves responsible for keeping a perfect home and proving ourselves in our career seems to have been ingrained in our unalterable DNA too. 

And while I was still ruminating about all this, out comes the controversial Nirbhaya documentary rams right into the face of rigid mindsets. At the outset, I am no legal, social, diplomatic expert to comment on the right and wrong of the making of the film. I am looking at it from how I felt watching it. And how it connects to my existing thought process. My first reaction was a deluge of questions: why would anyone want to rake the ugly past of the incident and make a documentary? Why? And why would the parents want to recount and relive the ordeal just because someone wants to make a film? Why...oh why would you give voice to a murderer masquerading as a rapist who should have been silenced by now for his fiendish crime? 

Prima facie, the film looks like a very balanced view of putting together all aspects of the story speaking to all the people involved along the journey. But in hindsight, I am pretty sure it is a well orchestrated, craftily put together film to show exactly the stereotypes we are trying to fight. The abject poverty of the rapists (India is still a poor country), the cringe worthy, regressive views of the lawyers (India still treats women as inferior citizens) and the worst is the rapist mouthing the rapists’ anthem (deliberately stereotyping a rapist?) - women shouldn’t protest, the victim should be killed. And the dignified, aspirational parents of Jyoti Singh providing the perfect contrast to rapists who lost the battle of poverty while they tried to rise above it by educating their daughter. (a daughter, no less! Here, the emblem of changing India was brutally raped and killed. Can anything else sell better in the international market?)

(The documentary not just gives him an opportunity to speak but he becomes a popular news item and his views are proudly aired on every mainstream and social media. People criticized him but nevertheless brings him into the limelight and that’s not good news)

And this whole exercise just seemed to reinforce, globally, exactly the mindset and attitudes we are trying to fight. So you can cry hoarse about today being Women’s Day and the whole spiel that goes with her diverse, selfless roles. But the die has been cast even in the minds of young children that girls cannot run like boys. And it will always be derogatory to do thing #LikeAGirl. And that's why we need one day in a year to glorify women and give them back some self-respect, acknowledge their contributions through the year and make them feel valued. Because we go back to our narrow mindsets for the rest of the year. 

Nothing has changed since Jyoti became Nirbhaya.