Day 3: My fitness story

The gym near our place in Delhi was a no-no. Only guys went to the gym. You could see them from outside. Working out with heavy machinery - it was almost like an alien land of sweaty men. Nothing to do with good girls living in a civilised society in Delhi. 

Till I got married and gained weight, I did not even know that was possible to my thin frame. My husband, familiar with gyms, suggested that I join one. Things seem to be different in Mumbai. There were unisex gyms where women worked out along side men. It did feel a bit strange. And I did not know then what I know now - that women's training plans are relegated to the cardio machines like treadmills and the ellipticals. The weights section is dominated by men, assisted by trainers who are men. Women are too frail to lift weights and try such stuff. And with all the testosterone in the weights section, women just stay away. 

I did not particularly enjoy going to the gym or lost a lot of weight but I guess it was a great way to get some exercise. I also joined yoga classes which was a great thing to do for women. A few years later, I joined a fitness center where we did a variety of exercises in a women's only badge. We did have kettle bell and weights on some days minus the testosterone-y craze since we were all women. That stint did help me build muscles and therefore my weight only increased and I sorta looked bulky making people think that I had actually gained weight (screw 'em!)

I quit a couple of years before the pandemic hoping to find a new routine, which never happened. And then the pandemic hit bringing with it a myriad of other issues - lack of exercise being one of them. With other things happening around the next couple of years just flew past. I only regretted not having an outlet for exercise and I did not want to join a gym with its testosterone infused atmosphere. 

That's when I started working out at home with YouTube. There is nothing like working out in the comfort of my own home. Initially, I was so unfit that any aerobics video was good enough for me. I'd be panting in a few minutes. So building stamina was easy to do through YouTube. I did not need expert advice or equipment to achieve that. 

It's been great 17 months working out at home with YouTube. I did advance to longer aerobics videos and currently am able to start HIIT as my fitness has improved. I did a whole quarter of weight training from the comfort of my home with an exercise group last year. But the pace wasn't good enough for me and I wanted to first lose weight through cardio - a goal that I am at even a year later. I did a mix of weights and cardio at home and it has worked out well for me. The calm of doing it all at home just adds to my overall well being. 

But now I feel the need for heavier weights. While talking to a friend, the topic of going to the colony gym came up. There are a variety of weights and also machines for leg exercises. There is no slot for women or promise of the air being free of male hormones. But it is worth a shot. However, I have decided to focus on cardio this quarter instead of lifting. 

But then the topic of gyms got me thinking. Why are gyms such masculine spaces? I was reading up on this and the need for gyms arose when when machines took over the heavy work that men used to do. They had to expend that energy somewhere. And hence evolved this macho space where men could be men. And women erroneously believe that they don't want to bulk up, keeping them out of the weights area. 

To this day, I am yet to come across a woman trainer - sorry for using binary genders - or a gym that's oestrogen friendly. A space for women, trained by women. Where we do some serious weight lifting! Not the pink and purple dumbbells! None of the patronising expertise of men like we are trying to get some space in their bastion. I'd like us to have our own bastion. Training spaces for women who can be taught the basics of weight training without having to be conscious or be watched by other people judging us or making fun for wanting to be stronger just like men are. 

I know this is a distant dream. And even though I considered going to the colony gym for a minute,I have deferred it because one, I love the comfort of my own home. And two, I'd like to give cardio my all and see if the needle on the weighing scale moves. Again, in the absence of a personal coach, I am going by my limited knowledge of the field. When I do get back to weights in the next quarter, I will give this decision another think. Till then, my home it is!

Day 2: Encore Parenthood

I started watching Parenthood again - this series that I had watched a few years ago. It got too intense the last time I watched. I think I got through a couple of seasons. At the end of season 1, I can already feel the intensity. It's a cornucopia of adult problems and teenage hormones. I think parents don't need to watch it at all because the chaos is the lives they already live. 

The series is a story of 4 siblings - already one too many - and their families, with their parents in the mix. Adam is the eldest and the most sensible of the lot taking responsibility for every one. He's the agony aunt of the family - and it's strange how all the siblings just walk into his office for advice even though his boss has issues with that. And he totally fails to set boundaries 

Him and his wife seem to be this ideal couple who try to run their home well and communicate with each other. Adam's daughter, Haddie is almost the same age as his sister Sarah's daughter, Amber. So there's enough teenage hormones going on with the mothers and the daughters in both households. Adam's son, Max has autism so that's another level of drama. I really wonder if it's actually this hard with teenage daughters. I think it's that way more in the US where kids have new fangled ideas of freedom and independence at a very young age, where parents telling kids what to do is being controlling and parents don't have the right to say anything. 

Sarah, with teenage kids, just moved back home because her husband left, I guess. She moved into her parents house since she does not have a home of her own at the moment. She has enough skirmishes with her daughter who isn't serious with her studies at the start. Sarah, who worked as a bartender, isn't doing too great professionally either. Adam and Sarah are the ones who take the responsibility among the siblings.

Julia, a lawyer, comes next. She is a power career woman and the sole earning member in the family after her husband's construction business went bust. And there is the usual judgement that she is a busy, working mother who does not have the time to do school things for her 5yo

Cossby is the youngest and the most flaky. He lives on a boat and still does his laundry at his parents. He was living the carefree life when an old girlfriend called Jasmine dropped a 5yo in his lap as his son. And je gets into the role full on without exceptions. It seems a bit convenient that she comes knocking asking for help when it seems like it works for her. She makes him work around her schedule and her rules, later her mom's when Jasmine goes travelling for work. He hardly ever stands up for himself with Jasmine's family. He shud work out a custody schedule so that he has weekends and can have a life as a single guy for the rest of the time. But even thought he knows a lot of times that he is being taken advantage of, he chooses to say nothing.

And then there's their parents with a traditional marriage where the mother raised the kids and the father cheated on her. She is fed up of him in their old age and going through therapy to make it work. 

Unlike in the real world, the siblings are close to each other and seem to have no boundaries when it comes to discussing their lives. Based on the situation, they can be each other's agony aunts. As if the teenage hormones aren't raging enough, there is a cornucopia of problems with adults - mainly trying to deal with their kids. Even Julia's 5yo has issues with obedience and knows how to play games to get her way. There is a time when Haddie and Amber like the same guy creating differences between the parents too. 

Sarah starts working for Adam - he is forced to offer her an internship because he used an idea she shoot offhandedly. And when she get to know that he actually pitched it to his boss, she wants more than just being dismissed, Sarah suffers from low self esteem and will take anything she gets. Soon after she starts working for Adam she is flirting with an employee and kissing the boss! Way to go Sarah! The middle of season 2 and Adam still does not know about this because she goes to Julia for advice on this. 

In the middle of it all, Joel the stay at home dad has an identity crisis while they are talking about having another child! As if raising a 5yo isn't tough enough! If this all sounds complicating, imagine watching all of it. Strangely enough, I am still watching it since I have not even reached the point till where I watched the last time. So I am going to get till there and then take a break. It's intense yet addictive. But intense kinda always wins. I am not sure I can manage to watch 6 seasons of this. Definitely not in one shot. In these times of short attention spans, it is hard to watch drama series with 50 minute long episodes. It was hard even to watch something like Gilmore Girls. Downton Abbey was an impossibility. Parenthood falls in this category. So I guess I am going to be taking a bit of a break before I coninue t his hige family saga! 

Day 1: Gender Bias in Language

When Adam in Parenthood has a problem with his 15 yo daughter Haddie buying and sporting a sexy bra, there is a confrontation about it. He thinks she isn't old enough to wear something like that for her boyfriend. His position isn't made any stronger by the fact that he is encouraging his own nephew - in fact drives him to a dance to help him woo a girl is likes. When Haddie brings this double standard up - that she cannot hang out with her boyfriend whereas Adam took he nephew Drew to hang out with another girl, he accepts that it's a double standard but then thats how the world works 

That's how the world works. Unfortunately no matter how liberated the world is, we still cannot tell our daughters that it's a level playing field. What a woman wears will always be a topic of discussion. Is the neck too deep? Is the hemline too high? Is a dress dressy? Is jeans too informal? 

I was reading a couple of articles on Medium where women have taken up exactly this topic - the double standards that extends only to women whereas no one bats an eye lid at what men wear. One of the authors talks about how she is always picked up on by of her family holiday for wearing jeans in summer - and not something more comfortable like shorts or a dress. The author prefers jeans so that is comfortable for her. Yet, her cousins and aunts comment on her clothing every year, even though her father, son and uncles are also at the same brunch table enjoying their pants and khakhis. 

The same author also shares an instance when she was asked to wear the company uniform of red T shirt with khakhis because all the boys were donning the same and she was the only woman in the group. While she refused point blank to wear it because neither did khakhis suit her figure nor did she feel comfortable presenting in them as a VP of the company. If women are made to wear men's clothes for uniformity, how about using something where men feel a little weird and women feel all the comfort? Unless women fight for them norm, that's yet to be seen how men take it! 

Women's looks are rife with bias and judgement. Yet another example that comes to mind is the way grey roots are perceived differently in men and women. As if it isn't enough that women start becoming invisible as they age - research backed - letting their hair grey adds to their irrelevance. While men are said to be distinguished because of their salt and pepper looks, women are flung farther down in the social order because of that. That's because looks are central to how women are perceived and how women perceive themselves. Looking attractive and put together is key to their standing in social/professional company. So greying just goes against them. It is one of the important things that needs putting together to maintain that standing. 

That's when it struck me - the very root of language is seeped into bias. A woman was burnt for being a witch whereas a wizard is a synonym for a master. 

Double standards are not just about clothes women wear (or looks) and are judged for it. A few years ago, I came up with a public speaking program and decided to call it The Speaking Wizard. The idea was to make someone taking up the course a master in public speaking. Isn't that what a "wiz" stands for? I ran this name by a few friends and one of them said that it sounded a bit sexist. This had not occurred to me at all. But yeah, wizard was the male version of a master in, ironically, witchcraft. I wouldn't call a program meant for women- The Speaking Witch! That would give it a whole new connotation. 

Another very similar thing that happens is for the words stud and slut. Seemingly innocuous 4-letter words that have absolutely opposite meanings just because they belong to opposite genders. A Stud is lauded for his powers and is a positive role model for a wimp. Whereas a woman is a slut even she is just as much as deemed to be sleeping with multiple people. The truth doesn't matter at all. 

I am sure if I were to google to find more articles on such bias, there will be plenty. I don't have a problem with the meanings of words. But the way they affect the lives of real women in the real world - even in the 21st century. It's not easy to tell ourselves that the world is truly liberated and so women and men will be held to the same standards. Unfortunately, no. Research shows that the more gendered a language is, the more the inequality in that geographical location. No matter how much we talk about gender inclusiveness, the bias goes deep and is unconscious a lot of times. In languages that use gendered terms, it is hard to leave the gender out. And so that will be a part of every conversation, specifying one gender or the other. 

And for the most part, languages always lean towards male-heavy. "He" is a general term used in English even though the author might say that he/she means it as a neutral term to make it easier to write and for the reader to understand. So how is language inclusive despite the caveat?! We are a long way off from gender neutrality in the true sense of the word. And this disparity will continue to manifest itself in our every day life. Research says that it'll take 132 years for the world become truly equal. Can we start taking baby steps towards it through more inclusive language? Not use the male or the female meaning words when we don't have to. Here are a few tips just to do just that.