A Woman Is A Woman's Worst Enemy

It's sad that a woman is a woman's worst enemy

I recently met an old, close friend who works in a school. She was talking about how some of her colleagues weren't allowed to go on school picnics because their husbands did not permit them. She said one of the teachers sometimes came to school with bruises on her face and arms. It was evident that she was a victim of domestic violence. A woman with a job and financial independence! When I asked my friend if she did anything to help her colleague out, she just shrugged and said that the girl's parents who lived in another city nearby also did know anything about her plight.

This set me thinking. A woman who evidently is going through something so bad and her colleagues just shrug it off. The woman herself doesn't want to confide in her parents - even her mother! And for what? To keep the 'married' tag intact? How would it affect her kids - she has 2 - to see their mother being treated like this? Isn't she setting the wrong example for them?

In this case, the colleagues who work together could form a bastion she could fall back on and confide. Their backing her up could mean the world to her. And maybe the only encouragement she needs to make that life altering decision, to choose to not put up with humiliation anymore, to take a step towards a better future for her children. But instead we just choose to ignore it like it's not none of our business.

Another friend had an arranged marriage at 24 and found that her husband spent nights out and refused to explain where he went. She confided in her mother hoping to find some support. But her mother told her to ignore it since men did what they wished and asked her to focus on bringing up the kids. By the time she was 30, she had 3 kids and husband who was least interested in her. If her mother supported her, I think her life would have been very different today.

Some of you might wonder why am I finding fault women who are already so helpless! For ages, we have held responsible for the oppression of women. Yes, the man who treats his wife like this deserves to be punished - severely. And I am not supporting him. But I am drawing attention to the fact that women themselves do not support each other. Women, who go through the same grind in our lives and should have the highest level of empathy and support.

Take another situation - the classic tussle between the mother and the daughter-in-law. History is full of instances about how they just cant get along. And the drama is played out in pretty much every household in the country that has them. A woman leaves her house hoping to find the same love and understanding from another woman who also left her family behind at some time. But it doesn't work that way. It isn't empathy that works out here. One unwilling to relinquish control to the new comer and the other hoping to score in other ways. 'Support' is not a part of this relationship dynamic.

A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth is a mammoth 1000 page book. But one of the things that stands out in my memory is about how a character comments that men can divide kingdoms but the women of the house will never be able to decide who gets the pots and pans in the house. And this is so true.

I can go on and on. But the sad fact will remain that a woman is a woman's worst enemy. It is us who keep patriarchy alive. It is us who keep whatever this hatred for each other is called, brewing.
Men just bond over simple things. But women judge! We do! Be honest to yourself and accept it. We bitch about other women, size each other up when we meet and are the first ones to condemn them when we are in trouble. A qualified mom who gave up her career for her children is judged as much as a mother who has a full time job leaving her kids behind. A mother teaches her daughter to keep her periods a secret. She passes on the legacy of being a good daughter in law. Which then goes on to the next generation. And the cycle continues. Haven't you sometimes found an empathetic hearing from a man and felt more comfortable sharing things with a male friend? And it felt better to do it since you knew your women friends would judge and in all probability blame you for your situation?

I don't think we should blame men for any injustice perpetrated on us unless women folk have solidarity amongst us. What do you think? Have you come across experiences that have made you feel the same way?

This post has been written for #CreativeCurves under #BlogOEmotion week and today is day Day 5 with the prompt, Sadness. 

#BlogOEmotion Day 3: Does anger help?

How does anger help if we do nothing to change the world! 

When Nirbhaya died of a brutal rape, the nation erupted in rage. There were protests and candle night vigils everywhere. Whenever someone cuts us to overtake from the wrong side, we are indignant at the lack of traffic sense among people. Every time a case of domestic violence comes up, we outrage on social media and launch attacks at laws. When someone insults sports people, we are angry at the ignorance of the one who commented. From the laws of the land to God and his invisible hand, we think we have the right to be rightfully angry about anything. We are a nation that loves to get angry and make our voices heard - which is made easier by social media.

But have we ever stopped to think about the use of all this anger? Are we not responsible for a lot of things that are wrong with the world? We live on this planet and aren't we the reason why so many things are screwed up? I know it will take us a few more generations to set things right. But meanwhile, if we were to do something about setting some things right instead of just ranting on social media, wouldn't the world be a better place? I can imagine some of you shake your head in resignation and think - how can I set the world right! It's too big and too many things make me angry. But humour me and read on.

Think for a second - What can we replace angry honking with? Maybe a little patience. One person at a time. How can we stop crime against women? I know this is a huge problem and not easy to solve. But how about respecting all women around you - whether she is related to you or a stranger in the street. How about treating every person with the dignity they deserve irrespective of their gender. How about helping one genuinely poor, hungry person you run into on the street instead of ranting about world poverty? Maybe we could do our bit to reduce global warming instead of discussing it as if it's not our problem and someone else should come around and solve it.

Anger is a good thing if it channelised in the right manner. And if we all used our resentment and disappointment at the state of things to make the world a better place, the emotion would be so much more worth it. What do you think? I'd love to hear what you think about my views. Go ahead, express your anger in the comments below! :)

This post has been written for #CreativeCurves under #BlogOEmotion week. Today's prompt: Anger 

Marriage isn't for a lifetime.

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A woman married for 14 years to a man who never respected her or earned her respect. He never had a job or shared responsibilities. He lied about his educational qualification and his family supported him just to get him married. She ran the household. She took care of her girl-child. She put up with his egoistic tantrums. But after 14 long years of her life, she decided to call it quits. But isn’t marriage supposed to be a relationship of a lifetime?

My last post was about my own blissful years of marriage. Very ironically this one is pondering over whether there is a justified time and reason to walk out of a marriage. No, there’s no storm brewing in my life. But when you come across people who carry on being married even though it is unendurable, one does stop to think. 

I always believe that if it doesn’t work out between two people, it’s just better for them to find happiness elsewhere. But what is that limit? What determines that it isn’t working out. And how far along do you wait before giving it all up? Are there times when staying married is worse than giving it up, no matter how sacred the institution? 

Yes, there are. 

In popular perception of our times, marriage as a tie is at its tenuous best - thanks to DINK couples and all the stress they go through. It’s just too much effort to live up to the expectations that keep this bond going. It is quite possible that it might not work out between the spouses. 

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The first reason, to me, is lack of respect for the spouse. If the spouses don’t love or care for each other anymore, the whole point of being in a marriage is futile. Being together is to be able to share ones good and bad times. And if that isn’t possible anymore in a relationship, it is best to let go. 

As if the complications of making it work between two people isn’t enough, marriage is very much a function of families and the society. And both these institutions - family and society - could be responsible for keeping two people yoked together. 

I have seen some of my own friends go through a bad marriage because their parents wouldn’t hear of anything else. Girls in our country are always taught that it is their duty to gel into their new family. They are trained to look after everyone and not expect in return. This becomes her undoing since she becomes incapable of standing up for herself. The boundaries of tolerance are pretty wide. Hence, it takes a long time to realise how much is too much. But lack of support from parents is still a a big reason why they just carry on with their marriage. 

Even though this is common for women, I also know men who just stick to their unhappy marriage because their parents think that just living together gives respectability in the eyes of the society. They would not bear to compromise on that. And this is irrespective of the fact that their own children live through suffering. 

There is also a lot of “what will people say!” So people just choose to stay unhappy as long as they can maintain the facade of being happily married. 

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But whatever the reason, I think only the two people involved in a relationship should have the freedom and the right to decide to call it off. In many cases, marriage is not a lifetime of love. And it is better to accept that for the good of all the people involved. To use the liberty to go out there and find your happiness with someone else more suited to you. 

Hugs....with love!

 

i once read this funny thing somewhere - what was the guy who invented the hug actually trying to do! :) Whatever that was, we definitely have him to thank for giving us one of the most wonderful expressions of love and affection.

A mother's hug keeps the child warm. A child's hug is all innocence. A spouse's hug is love and security. Friends hugging each other is a reiteration of their feelings. Hugs are also a great way of celebrating in good times and consoling in times of tragedy. And then there are fake social-butterfly-type hugs which mean nothing. The ones that are intimate are full frontal hugs and the social types can be side to side body contact.

A hug is so special because it includes people into our personal space. It's an intimate way of saying you like/love someone. Hugs also convey equality over formality. It's one step ahead of a handshake. So it's not formal. And when you hug someone, you are somewhere trying to show that you consider the other person your equal. i love the way Kapil hugs his guests on his show - very deferential yet welcoming. He never hugs them as an equal but his body language conveys the respect and warmth of his feelings.



Even though a hug is such a wonderful thing, it is a gesture that can be uncomfortable if forced onto people who don't share that kind of a rapport with each other. The physical contact may feel unwelcome and inappropriate since a hug is meant to convey feelings of a personal nature. i, once, went to meet up this guy to talk about an assignment. i had met him a couple of times before but long time back. When i accidentally mentioned that my birthday had gone by 2 days back, he wanted to hug me to wish me and he did! It was the social type of hug but uncomfortable nonetheless!! Rest assured, i haven't and am never going to be meeting him again for any project!



Hugging someone is an acceptable form of social greeting in foreign countries. Yes, even if you are someone else's wife. No, not a stranger, but a social acquaintance. It's telling you that this means more than a handshake. I had my first experience of this when i started traveling abroad with my husband and met up his colleagues. Most of them were culturally sensitive and would only shake hands in the first meeting because they knew Indian women are not used to hugs by other men. But by the end of the first meeting or the subsequent meetings, it was common to convey their affection through a light hug. Assuming that by then it was going to be taken in the right spirit of friendship. And i must point out that since hugging is a common practice in those countries, the people really know how to hug. And by that i mean that their hug never feels intrusive or uncomfortable. It is full of warmth and conveys the pure feelings appropriate to the context. One mention is my husband's former boss in India who has this amazing brotherly hug which gives so much reassurance and affection!



Hugs are becoming socially common even in India. But they are still not a part of our natural social behaviour. In most situations, we shake people's hands, warmly in more than social situations. And the kind of hugs people give depend on how comfortable they with their own selves doing that. i have come across awkward hugs where i was comfortable with it but the other person wasn't. And in the spur of the moment you are just trying to avoid both faces from colliding!! Hugs, of course, are still at a nascent stage socially in our country and i prefer it to be that way. Unless people come from a particular strata of society, hugs can just become an outlet for people to touch other women in our society. And we need to mature a lot in our thinking as a country that can hug to convey just friendship and affection.

In conclusion, hugs speak the universal language of love. Even if you do not know someone's language, you can use a hug to convey a whole gamut of emotions - from compassion to support to love. To me, hugs are a way of not just expressing love but getting them from the right people gives me strength and reassurance. The all-is-well feeling.


Look around you and find someone you want to hug or be hugged by. It can just brighten up a dull day. And if no one's around you, here’s one from me!