Self-Help books: How Much So They Help The Self?

 I just finished reading The ONE Thing - a book that tells you how focussing on that one critical thing - on thing at a time - you can achieve the highest goals you ever dreamt of.  And finding this one next thing that you should be doing can help get your goals in any area of life - work or profession. 

Start with Why- a book that I’ve never been able to go past a few pages of talks about how finding your “why” is the key to success in life. 

James Clear’s Atomic Habits breaks down the science of how we can prevent old habits from taking over and build new habits. We can do that by looking at the obstacles around and inside us and overcome them. For instance it could be changes in your environment or your attitude towards a task. 

I have another book lined up - How To Begin by Michael Bungay Stonier - because The Coaching Habit was such a great book. And I hope that’ll help me a little bit more. 

However, after finishing The ONE Thing, I got to thinking. Do I remember tips from so many other books that I have read? How much of all those hours of reading has made a difference to my life and work. Maybe I’ve imbibed some of it unconsciously. 

For instance, after reading Atomic Habits I realised that working at a table in the first place makes me more productive rather than plonking on the sofa first and then hoping to get back to serious work.

What else do I remember? Getting Things Done by David Allen was so confusing that despite reading it twice, I think I’d waste more time following the system. 

I know that eating the frog first thing in the morning is good - from Brian Tracy’s Eat That Frog - but I still don’t do it. In fact, I am still finding my morning rhythm and maybe hopefully I’ll do it. 

Pomodoro technique is another thing that I picked up from wherever and do use different versions of it. It does help cut out distractions and stay focussed at the task at hand. Probably this is the only time management technique that has remotely worked for me. 

Maybe it’s time to revisit self-help books that I read and actually make the action points. At least this way there is a reference list to check what really got done and how much of it was just for reading pleasure. 

If we are talking about productivity and extracting the maximum from the tasks we spend time on, it is a good idea to take an inventory of how much did the self get helped. 

Otherwise we are just flitting from book to book concept to concepts figuring out our “why” one day only to ricochet in the pursuit of our one thing the next. And not knowing if we’ve really improved as people, if there has been a permanent change in our habits and attitudes. 

Of late, I have also found that self-help as a genre - be it for motivation or for business - has been on the rise. People don't believe in the quality of fiction. I think Chetan Bhagat and J K Rowling were the last of the fiction authors that people explored. 

Beyond that, everyone just wants to know how to hustle, how to work smarter, how to make optimal use of every minute of the day, how to fight social media addiction and probably how to become as rich as Elon Musk in this lifetime. 

And that's why I am also running a poll of Linkedin to see if these books have really helped people. I think this will also help others ponder over the question and think of an answer. Maybe one of my future posts can be on the poll results. 

The Genre of Stand up Comedy by Women

Ali Wong’s new Netflix special is out. I remember watching her earlier specials when she is pregnant - both times. So I watched both again. And in hindsight it feels like performing while being pregnant is way of making a statement. She herself says in one of the specials - that once female comedians have kids - they literally vanish. So I think it sends a strong message that she’s expecting and yet strong in her profession too. 

As I started watching them, I realised a lot of it is not to my taste. It’s fine when she talks about equality and reversing gender roles. The bit where she reveals how she trapped her husband - a conventional gender dynamic - because he is educated and she hoped to live the rest of her life as a housewife. But the build up reveals how she earns more than him and it seems like he was doing the trapping!! That’s a fun twist in the favour of women power! 

But there is no need to get scatological talking about office life. I don’t think taking a dump in the office is like the number 1 concern for working women. There are bigger problems like power politics, inequality, not getting credit and not being able to stand up for oneself. So getting graphic about toilet shit (pun unintended) is in bad taste if you ask me. 

The other thing that I comes across as crass to me is the graphic sexual references while talking about gender dynamics. She could have made money just be charging a nickel every time she “sucking dick” in the show. And that’s how many references there are. 

It is great that female comedians, at least on the international stage, have a voice and they talk about gender stuff. However, I think there is a line between writing intelligent material and going crass for laughs. Pussy jokes, sucking dick and making doo doo in the office is a particular brand of comedy that I wouldn’t call sophisticated. It’s writing for cheap thrills. People are more likely to enjoy dumb stuff like this and hence it’s just an easier bet. 

To prove my point, let’s look at some others. (I’ll come to Indian comedians bit I guess they are so far below the international standards that their mention can wait)

Ellen came back to comedy after 15 years. And her comedy also talks about gender issues - albeit the same gender issues. She could talk about men she dated in college who kept pushing her down against her will! I am sure a lot of people would identify with that. But she doesn’t. She keeps it mature and intelligent. 

She touches on different topics - and maybe she doesn’t need to project herself as a strong independent woman because despite all the setback she has been a rich, privileged white woman for more than 2 decades. 

My all time favourite is Iliza Shlesinger - and I realised today that she has 5 Netflix specials to her credit! A smart, independent woman who’s material is aligned to the stage of her life she is in at the time. You can actually see her grow in the trailers of the specials - from the 20s to her 30s and the last one is when she’s 36 and married. 

She is a vocal advocate for equality. Speaking up and doing your own shit. Not giving in to what society expects or even what other women expect. Hers is a whole different brand of comedy! Something you enjoy and don’t cringe at! Even when she talks about sex, it doesn’t seem crass. Her comedy is contextualised in the universal truths about women in their 20s and 30s. And that makes it relatable.

All these women are from a different - non-Indian - culture and I think some of the jokes are lost in translation. But still it’s fun to watch women also write strong material and be vocal about gender equality. 

When I think about comedians in the Indian scenario, I am at a loss for names. No one really stands out in the crowd. Adits Mittal was a loud-mouthed comedian who kicked up a storm in a tea cup but that did not last long. Her comedy also wasn’t to my taste - with jokes like sanitary pads have become so advanced that we have technology in our chaddi for 5 days a month! Jeez!! 

Anu Menon has one special and her writing is definitely of an intelligent level compared to counterparts. Sumukhi suresh is also great in her timing and comedy. When Kaneez Surkha does comedy all I can hear is her accent. I can’t go past it and I think it interferes with her jokes. Neeti Palta has confidence but her comedy doesn’t stand out. 

Thanks to Comicstaan for 2 seasons, there is a smattering of names in the comedy scene. Urooj Ashfaq, Aishwarya Mohanraj, Sejal Bhatt, Prashashti Singh - all still relegated to maybe doing stand up at open mics and clubs. They seem to be far away from being good enough for a platform like Netflix. I don’t think specials with Indian female comedians is a genre on online streaming networks. 

It is safe to say that Indian comic scene - at least with the women, has a very ling way to go to achieve fame or the level of success that the international ones have. And I think the only way to do it is with strong material. Strong, intelligent material which has a message. Not useless stuff like what I saw in a metro and how Karva Chauth is bullshit. It has be a universally appealing to ensure that it captures the intelligent masses. 

Well! This definitely isn’t an impossible dream and I am sure it can be done. If only some of us set our eyes on the prize, at least enough of us will reach it to make a difference. 

What do you think? 

The Best Times of Life

It’s one of those scenes in HIMYM that make you well up. Lily is upset that the captain said she’s just a kinder garden teacher. And Marshal can’t understand why she’s upset since that’s the truth. That’s when Lily clarifies that she feels bad that she gave up art and is truly “just a kinder garden teacher”. 

The very short exchange they have at this point is heart breaking and so true too. 

Marshal: I promise you, your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you

Lily: I love you for saying that but there gets to be a point in life where that just stops being true 

I have watched it before too but this time it just stuck with me! I have had this feeling for years. The more settled you feel in life - something that you strive for - the less of the excitement there is to look forward to. 

Our 20’s are when we are looking at careers and potential life partners. We are young and full of potential. We have a crush on people and we enjoy the flush of first love. We feel on top of the world and the rush of hormones that give us the most happiness. A glorious future is still ahead of us. 

We spend out 30’s settling down. For some the glow of first love comes in late and may not be as bright. But then learning to love together with someone takes over. Creating a new home and feeling the wedded bliss. While this starts to get old come the pitter patter of little feet. At least that was the how the traditional ways of life worked. 

With kids, people are locked in for the next 20 years. The 40’s is about raising them and re-living the moments of your own childhood - hopefully create even better ones for them. We all have this urge to pass on our genes and the best of us to another generation. The empty nest syndrome is still a while away. From the first kinder garden class to the college graduation, there’s a lot to look forward to. 

For people who don’t have kids or choose not to have - I don’t think it makes a difference either ways - the 40’s are quieter. At least, in my experience. The rush of love is done and dusted. No more members coming into the family. It’s all settled, yet very quiet. And that’s “the point in life where that just stops being true”

The reason why all kinds of adventures are so popular is because for people who’ve reached this point, the only way to get on with life is to find new excitement. 

Jump off a cliff, travel, go wine tasting, take a cruise, have meals with friends, open the best bottles of wine! But guess what - life is till the same even as you reach the bottom of that bottle. You may sleep better with that high but the next morning is just going to be the same. 

You work and make money to afford a lot of things you couldn’t earlier - and one of them is insurance against boredom, activities that tell you still have a lot of life left and a lot of awesome in that life. If you ask me, a lot of these self help books that teach you to find your "why", hone in on your one thing, create schedules and getting done to chasing success are meant to fill your days with a semblance of purpose. Or what else would we do with the long years of life stretched ahead of us. 

My best friend just adopted a baby girl. At the fag end of their application deadline, they bagged a little angel. And while not everyone is blessed with such a huge change this late in life, I wonder how her purposeless life has been turned upside down. Her life centred around this angel - and she told me that it didn’t matter earlier but now she wants to make sure that she stays fine because she has this baby to raise. 

Must be nice to have something like that fill your days. For the rest of us, we work and leave in the pursuit of something exciting. But a lot of days are just days. I think of it with gratitude because no news is good news. But it does get lonely. And the worse part is - this is life! It’s going to be this way. Which can be good in a way since calm is better than upheavals. And there’s only so much excitement you can drum up every single day. 

So there does come a point in life when the best times of our lives are behind us. Maybe the later years bring out some other best times which are very different from the earlier ones, but I am guessing they don't match the earlier ones. They are more sombre in their quality or artificially coloured with excitement to try and match them with yesteryears in a desperate attempt to re-create youth. 

Have you felt this way? Do you feel that life settles into this calm or boredom - whatever you choose to call it - beyond a point? Is there really a way to make it meaningful without the deliberate and forced function of making it exciting? What have you tried to make things better? What do you do fill the void in life? Who do you populate your loneliness with? 

The Losing Battle of Decluttering!

Starting today, I am on a 66-day daily writing challenge. But don't worry! you may not see me here every day because some days I might choose wot write work stuff and post on Linkedin. 

But why 66 days, you ask? Well! Research is always changing and the latest one that I came across said you need at least 66 days to create a habit. I think the 21-day research is old now! (Maybe they’ve changed the 10,000 hour rule too! Who knows!)

Any how! I just needed a reason, a motivation to get behind a habit and this seemed like a good enough reason. And like I said, I’ll be writing on various things - just to flex my creativity - plus also get some work done on some days. 

I am still not sure whether my goal is time based - 20 minutes a day - or words-tased - 1000 words a day. I think I’ll play that by the ear but make sure that it worthy of a challenge! 

And after 13 years of starting this blog, I am not even apprehensive about no one reading this post! I might just be putting out these words in the vast expanse of the internet where they’ll probably get lost as soon as they are posted, forever in pursuit of an audience but never finding any! 

And I am fine with that! The idea here is to get into the discipline of writing. And if any of you stumble onto this post and want to join me - no matter which day it is - hop on! Make this your day and continue till you hit day 66.

So what am I going to write about today?

I am going to write about something that’s on top of my mind. Something that all of you can relate to and identify with. Sorry to sound biased in the same week as we celebrated #breakabias but I am thinking women would know a little more about this than men. 

Running a household requires soo much of sorting and tidying!! 

As someone who’s been on a war against clutter for 14 years, I still don’t get how it stays undefeated. 

Well! Let’s start with the daily battle - the refrigerator. When I had to travel on short notice last year, one of the first things I thought of was dealing with the contents of the fridge.

When I was recuperating from surgery last year, my spouse realised that meal times aren’t dealt with by just ordering food. My being bed-ridden finally taught him what I really meant all the times I was complaining about leftovers in the fridge when he went ahead and ordered more. That was the time that he had to look into this frozen box and decide what can be used, tossed out or needed to be ordered. That is a BIG part of running a kitchen

And now, when I have been back to my duties as a housekeeper, one thing that keeps coming up and I hate to deal with is clearing out the fridge. 

What makes it more complicated is stuff that comes with home delivery food - and we do that a lot - tiny portions of salads no one will eat, chutneys that go straight into the bin, food that smells okay but is a few days old and doesn’t seem okay to consume. 

Next comes other stuff around the house - the dining table! I don’t think any middle class household ever used it for family meals. I have never seen that happen. It’s always the more refined and sophisticated that have that ritual. 

The rest of us just use it as a dumping ground. My mom’s. My sister’s. My house. And that is pretty annoying for someone like me who wants to have some semblance of order and neatness around my living quarters. Let me share the results of my constant endeavours - it can’t be done! (Maybe if people around are also as committed but I don’t live with such people - actually the opposite kind)

I am not even going to get into side tables and other surfaces. 

And now for the big ones - and also because we moved homes! 

Before that I want to talk about my personal efforts to minimise my things over the years - and how of it I am still stuck with. 

I think it is right to say that only a therapist can go deep into my obsession with throwing stuff out - the opposite of a hoarder. Maybe something to do with the fact that I have always lived with the latter kind.

Anyways, when we moved, all I needed was a couple of suitcases and a box for my shoes. I made sure that over the years clothes I didn’t fit into were given away, sarees I’d never use were also put to use as gifts, materials I’ll never goes stitched were passed on to my sister who could stitch or gift them. And this is how I have never retained anything that I wouldn’t be using. 

I do have one big stack of good stuff that I don’t fit into but is too good to be given away - and I do fit into some of it now. 

In fact, between my spouse and me, he is the shopper. He’ll buy duplicates and triplicates of things he already has. Bigger hard drives, extra tool boxes, more screw driver sets! Buying is gratification enough even if he never ends up using them! 

And despite all the not shopping and giving things away, there are stoles that I didn’t buy, are old and can’t be given away. There are scarves which were gifts - I don’t know why one year everyone I knew thought I was into scarves and I got like 4 that year. No, I don’t wear scarves. So there’s that brand new stack that I am not going to wear, don’t have people to gift to and can’t through in the orphanage bin. 

I also have leggings left but the kurtas are worn out. A warn sweat shirt here and there which can’t be worn in Mumbai. But can’t be thrown away either. I also haven’t been able to part with some formal pants which are good, I know I won’t fit them but I still can’t bring myself to toss them. 

So I guess despite all the pruning I have done over the years, you can see that the sea of stuff never diminishes! (I always shudder to think of people who change their wardrobe seasonally) And I have always been aware of how things accumulate - which is one of the reasons that I have never followed fashion and have stuck to things I know I will wear for sure. In fact, even then I am stuck with 4 skirts which probably will go to my nieces in the event of my death! 

And now coming to the worst category of all - things you won’t use, are ugly and you still can’t bring yourself to toss them. I have a big box of curtains that have been used for more than a decade and you can see that they’ve seen better days. But the amount of money spent on curtains makes me feel bad tossing them. 

Every time I look at a cluttered surface, it reminds of the losing battle I am fighting. Even though I am convinced that I’ll spend a life time and still won’t win, I can’t give up. Maybe it’s possible. Maybe…

What do you think? 

Excuse me! I have to clear out my fridge now!