Press @^$#%* for assistance

Welcome to Crappy Customer Service Ltd! If you are a moron, press 1; if you are a moron who thinks u r intelligent, press 2; if this menu makes no sense, press 3 (Customer: Snoring....), If you regret calling us, press 4 .....if you thought you wud get prompt response, press 7, to go back to the previous menu press 8, to talk to our customer care exekutive, press 9, (Customer: Snoring....) - Sorry, we have not received your input, your call is being transferred to our customer care representatives. This call may be recorded for internal training and quality purposes (Customer: Snoring)

Helpful Exekutive: "Hello, welcome to Crappy Customer Service Ltd, My name is Parthasarathy. I am glad to take your call this morning, how can I help you?.... Hello? ....Hellow?

Customer (with a start): Oh...so you are here finally!

Helpful Exekutive: Hello, welcome to Crappy Customer Service Ltd, My name is Parthasarathy. I am glad to take your call this morning, how can I help you?

Customer (groggy): Hmmm, let me see how you can help.... what company did u say you are?

Helpful Exekutive: Hello, welcome to Crappy Customer Service Ltd, My name is Parthasarathy. I am glad to take your call this morning, how can I help you?

Customer: Oh! Yeah! I just wanted to know an additional entry in the statement for this month.

Helpful Exekutive: May I know your Customer Identification Number Sir?

Enter

Helpful Exekutive: Can you please enter your Telephone Identification Number, Sir?

Enter

Helpful Exekutive: Thank you very much sir. Do I have your permission to put your call on hold while I retrieve the data sir?

Customer (dozing off again): Huh-uh

Music, sounding like lullaby

Helpful Exekutive: Thanks for your patience, Mr. Sleepyhead. For verification purposes, can I know your address?

Customer: Prem Gali, Kholi number 420

Helpful Exekutive: Can you also help me with your date of birth?

Customer: Sometime in the last century

Helpful Exekutive: Thanks for the information Mr. Sleepyhead! Are you an authorised signatory on this account?

Customer: No, this account belongs to my wife and I just want to know about one entry in the statement.

Helpful Exekutive: Sorry sir, we cannot provide information to only the authorised signatory.

Customer: But she is out of town and I need to know this

Helpful Exekutive: Sorry sir, our process doesn't permit us to do it.

Customer: (Disappointed): Alright

Helpful Exekutive: Thank you for calling Crappy Customer Service Ltd. It was a pleasure talking to you sir. Hope you have a great....beep....beep.....

Malloholic.....

To me, there’s something truly enchanting about stepping into a mall. It could be the 4th time in a week at the same mall. Still, my heart jumps with the same joy each time. Of course, the free air conditioning makes it a welcome option in a humid place like Mumbai. The sprawling space with rows of showrooms waiting to be explored gives me a real kick. There is an uncanny charm about brand new things i don’t intend to buy but am happy to just look at. i might have looked at the same windows before but there’s so much in store that i’ll never be bored even if i were to pass the same floor a hundredth time.

What i like best about malls is that they can be just as calm as the sea during low tide, on weekdays. So those are the days (i’ve had the luxury of haunting them on a lot of weekdays) when you can stroll along the deserted corridors and get to choose your table in the food court. But i am more excited and look forward to making my way to my favourite haunt on weekends. Bustling, noisy and energetic, malls have almost a festive look on weekends. It’s like a celebration for no reason every week. i love to become one with the crowds and lose myself in the throng. Its futile to expect any vacant chairs in the food court but it's this swarm that truly portrays the defining spirit of our times. The zeitgeist is evident in the masses that have learnt to enjoy life irrespective of whether they can afford the brands showcased at the mall.

Malls represent the transformation of family time for the middle-class. Its no longer the occasional eat-out and a movie. A weekly trip to the plush mall and pop-corns while sauntering around is very much a possibility. Budget-friendly and comfortable. It is also heartening to see that the older generation also is game for trying out different cuisines. i find a lot of parents and grandparents sitting in restaurants along with the younger lot trying out pastas and burgers. The mall-culture has caught on fast and caught on for good.

The next time you step into a mall, take a moment to feel the gush of human energy that’s palpable around. For me, i shall soon be the first member in the new category of people called malloholics!!

Views, not news

It’s a beautiful sunny morning. i settle down with my morning cuppa and pick up the newspapers to glance through them. This is probably my 259th attempt at making a habit of reading the newspapers. After all i’ve woken up every morning of my life with my dad sitting with his paper and morning tea and now my spouse is no different (except that he likes coffee).

A little background to the failed attempts. For one, newspapers aren’t an ideal size for comfortable reading. There are too big to fit into my lap so i can’t snuggle in my sofa and read them. i have to stretch my arms wide or resort to the dining table. (silly reason but i shall please myself) Also, i’ve somehow not been happy with the idea of starting the day with newspapers. (guess there are 2 ways to react to things that you see since childhood - you take it as a way of life or reject it as a way of life!) Wouldn’t there be a better way to start the day than to bolt for the newspaper after a cursory nod for a good morning? Maybe with a cheerful good morning to others in the family and catching up with them before moving on with the day with positive vibes from our loved ones ? i've had my parents lecture me all my life about how good a habit it is to read newspapers. And like everything else that is imposed, I dislike the idea. (Who loves to do things that parents' lectures insist are important for survival in life!)

Back to my beautiful morning. i look at the front page and the headlines scream at me about some scam a respected politician is found to be involved in. Sighing wistfully, i move to the bottom of the page only to be told that a 12 yr old girl was being repeated raped by her cousin and 9 others for over 2 yrs. Horrified, i move on to page 2 and read that the city lost millions of litres of water because a couple of pipes burst in the city and the administration had not yet taken any action about it. i am, by now, done with yet another attempt of being among newspapers readers in the morning.

There is something about news that is repulsive to me. It's no longer what it used to be or what it's supposed to be. The story isn’t any different on television - for instance when hubby darling wants to catch up with news during dinner. The stories on the idiot box can put any Ramu thriller to shame! As if it’s not gory enough that an 11-day old infant is stoned to death in Kashmir, the story begins with special effects with shots of a mob on half of the screen and an innocent child on the second half. Is it one against the other? Can’t we just report it as it happened? Do we need to be shown repeated shots of mobs pelting stones and the mother in tears? Repeated shots of a minister kicking a party worker while the bloodied man lies helpless on the floor is another case in point. Am done with my dinner already!!

Coming back to newspapers, i guess they were a nice way to start the day in yesteryears when news was reported and not written to entertain, scandalise or shock. Reporters didn’t go nosing around to find newsworthy items. They had enough sensible stuff that a common man would want to know. There weren’t too many supplements to fill and crime wasn’t the daal-roti of news presenters. News items had credibility and the writing, a sense of style. Newspapers were just that and not a magazine that cover a variety of topics to ensure broadest readership with no depth.

As for me, i am very happy banking on my spouse, who is a regular, for my occasional dose of "The world at 8!". And i am thrilled whenever i hear him say, "it's there in the papers today". i know i have the newspaper intelligence in my life without having to read it!!

Quick trip down the memory lane....

When was the last time you looked up for a word meaning in the dictionary? You can take a minute to recall. Honestly, i don’t remember my last time!

i just finished reading a fantastic book on the craft of writing by William Zinsser. One of the important things, William says, a writer should do is to frequently dip into a thesaurus to find the exact word for a given context. i brought out my thesaurus to look up a word. And this is where my musing over the charm of the old world began. It was truly nostalgic to turn pages of a huge volume of Roget’s thesaurus and chant alphabets in my mind while looking up a word!

Wow! This is how i’ve looked up words all my life. i didn’t even realise when this wonderful habit of school days was replaced by online dictionary and thesaurus. It’s so convenient to google a word and look at the limited meanings a website chooses to throw up. For me, it’s simply ‘right click’ and ‘look up word in dictionary’ from the set of options that show up on my Mac. It suffices for the current need and i move on with my writing. The transition from holding words in my hands to mechanically hacking away at the keyboard, just because it is quick, seems to be so seamless.

i guess it’s the same with reading. We have become prolific online readers. Carrying a book is passé. Welcome wi-fi-enabled cellphones, ipods and other devices equipped to let you read any topic under the sun on the world wide web. The latest - Online Library - will ensure that the next generation gets to see libraries only in museums! Thankfully, online reading isn’t very appealing to me. i can’t spend hours online wading through the tangle of links. i still miss my books and go back to them often. In fact, feel guilty that i don’t read regularly enough.

i don’t think i need to even invoke personal touch of the snail mail lest i get carried away too far and you guys decide to bypass my memory lane. Though it does seem incredible now to think of having written reams to my best friend in college days. Hah! Just pick up the phone today and talk to her wherever she is! Simple! From entertainment to academics to business, technology has pervaded all!

Technology is great but are we losing the fun and innocence of the old world? Is it so difficult to occasionally tune the radio to our favourite channel? (I don’t mean the FM in your mobile phone, silly!) Or just log out of the websites, switch off your laptop and go talk to your neighbour. At least find out who lives next door. Pullout snake and ladder and roll the dice.

Or just look up the dictionary!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. - More thoughts

i am on Season 7 and overcame my addiction for the sitcom long back. It’s still dumb and funny. “What next?” has kept me glued to the program. i have a better understanding of the characters and so i know Joey is dumb but not sensible, as i thought earlier. The others are pretty much the same.

Though shocked initially, i’ve digested that Monika got together with Chandler, my least favourite. It feels, to me, as if it was a move out of desperation to induce some change in the equation between the friends. The stories of other friends is not parallel for sure since none of the others is any closer to finding their mate. Why only Monika and Chandler? Weren’t there any other combinations to explore, i wonder?

i am also a little surprised at the flatness of the characters. There isn’t any development that they seem to have gone through. Guys still lusting after boobs and gals still drooling over men. i thought it would have been great for the characters to evolve along with their audience over the decade that it was aired. Or for the story to lead to some substance in it.

i was thinking about how appropriate the serial must have been for the Indian viewers back in the 90’s. i have lost count of the number of times people mentioned ‘sex’ and the deluge of sexual innuendos throughout the series. i consider it inappropriate for my kids to watch till they are old enough to understand the suggestive remarks and are capable of handling the innuendos. i might sound like i am going to be an old-fashioned mom but as much as i know about bringing up kids, things have not changed one bit. i don't think i would have enjoyed it as much as i do now, 15 years ago. The fun is in being one with the characters and enjoy the quips and puns.

Wishful thinking, the last one but i can go back to enjoying it since i can handle it!!

Train the Trainer at Dale Carnegie

The last 3 days have been the best days of my life in about 2 years now. Sitting through the Dale Carnegie session for Train the Trainer was such a fantastic and eye opening experience. i believe there’s so much to learn and a bit of formal education helps instead of learning everything by experience which can take ages. After hunting high and low for a course that could help me formally learn the ropes of training, a friend suggested this. I grabbed at the opportunity since Dale Carnegie has an international name.

The first thing that i realized was that training had spread to every sphere. It’s no longer training the untrained youth to place them in jobs or the general HR training that i thought training was all about. Training has applications in Nationalised banks and govt organisations that have made training a regular dept and have regular trainers. There were a few senior people taking the course since training had now become an inherent part of their job profiles and they wanted to do it well.

i was a little nervous initially about facing people during my presentations after a gap of more than 2 years. i guess all the participants were a little knotted at the thought which is quite natural. But all of us did a great job, made a few mistakes and invariably ran short of time for our 7 min slot each.

The trainer, Mr. Rajesh Parekh, (the most suave gujju I have come across!!) was exemplary and taught us so much by just being himself. His voice projection was just amazing. He didn’t jump around to create energy levels but his presence itself made everyone sit up and pay attention. There wasn’t one dull moment during the 3-day workshop.

The training methodology of Dale Carnegie ensures a great mix of slides, presentation and participant activities. When I look back, I don’t remember one stretch when we had to wait for the trainer’s monologue to finish. At all points, we were engaged in giving ideas, doing activities or listening to the trainer who made complete sense. Sticking to only 90-minutes of training between breaks was a great technique to keep us alert all the time.

It was training and fun. The group of 28 participants were from a variety of professions and age groups, added to the learning. On the third day, when we were divided into 2 groups to make presentations at the same time in separate rooms, we really missed each other. We were eager to watch each topic and get everyone’s feedback on what we did. That quite didn’t happen but time was managed extremely well due to the division. Each group had enough time to make their presentation and discuss feedback at length.

Final word: I can safely recommend the TTT at Dale Carnegie since it truly lives up to its name.

My Favourite Fruit

MY FAVOURITE FRUIT

Don’t bother to wash before eating it

Don’t bother to wash even your hands since eating it is mess-free

Doesn’t need a knife to peel it

You don’t have to worry about it being sweet while buying it.

Comes in a lot of varieties, all of which are sweet.

Can be used raw or eaten ripe

Available in red, green and yellow colours

From tiny to Bigg in size

Well, i know it's not rocket science to guess my favourite fruit. Just trying to get your mind off the fact that it's not really been a great comeback like i said in my last post. i almost lost the motivation to ever come back. i mean, it’s been a month since i scribbled here and i don’t know if there is a valid excuse for being absence for this long. i don’t know if it happens to other bloggers - this losing-the-drive-to-write thing, it sure happens to me. The key lies in the determination to stick on to something. How many times have you found yourself making a plan that goes bust in a few days? Remember the number of times you resolved to stick to your gym routine but...the less said the better! I understand! What happened to your resolve of calling up your old grandmum once a week? And your promise to yourself about learning two new words everyday?

There is something inherently repulsive about things that we have to do. (No, i am not talking about writing my blog). Or rather things that we need to do regularly (No, i am not talking about popping a piece of chocolate everyday after lunch....i’d love that!). Probably because these are just nice-to-have goals. They are at best enabling goals and not critical to our everyday functioning. It’s nice to write my blog regularly and unleash my otherwise redundant creativity at hapless people who choose to read it. But the point is, how many people actually visit my blog. i know there’s no one waiting for me to write a post and dying to read what i’ve written about. i am no great bongali with expectations of thousands of readers across the world. So what’s the incentive for me to go on writing? Me, Myself. i had a good reason to start a blog (which has nothing to do with boring you guys) and i need to keep focused on it.

There i go again ! i’ve successfully written my first post for this month. Achieving this goal is sufficient for now despite the fact that this post doesn’t spout out profound gyan about the politics of the women bill or the status of uranium production in India. So I am off to seep with the happy thoughts of this noble deed that I did today..

Good night!