What outrages the modesty of a woman?

What outrages the modesty of a woman? How does one know if someone meant it or a woman is taking offense where none was meant? Is she at fault if she isn’t comfortable with what someone said to her? Or should she be trolled for speaking her mind? 

These are some of the questions that come to my mind at the ongoing furore about the objection Ms. Charlotte Proudman had to the mail that Alex Carter-Silk sent to her. While my blogger friend, Ankita thinks Proudman over-reacted, I somehow find myself at the opposite end of the argument. And here’s my side of the story:

I came to know about this episode through a tweet which had this Mashable link on it which has both their mails. I, then, came across this photo in the newspaper the next day. 

This set me thinking. This wasn't just some woman who got offended and wrote a mail and the matter finished. There is a whole lot of debate around it. I went back and read the mails. I discussed this with some people on Twitter. People seemed to be divided and there was no clear picture as to who people thought was right or wrong here. To my surprise, there are quite a few women who feel that Charlotte over reacted. She should have just shrugged it off as just another compliment instead of raising a rabble about it. But, I say, Charlotte found it offensive enough to write back on a professional network probably jeopardising her career prospects. This calls for digging deeper. 

When I think about it, the first thought that comes to my mind is how I’d react if someone sent me a mail like this on a professional network. That makes me go back to the mail and consider what could be offensive to a woman. Basics first, this person is almost double the age. Somehow that calls for more awareness about how your message could be perceived. Secondly, this is his first mail he wrote to Charlotte. I have written and received several ‘thanks for connecting’ emails on Linkedin but I don’t remember that dwells on how I or someone else looks. If I were to have 2/3rd of someone’s mail dwelling on my DP and adding one last sentence about his interest in my skills, I will definitely find that odd. 

I’d be ok even if he had just mentioned - you look stunning (though that’s not a word to be used in the professional context, not in the first mail) and moved on to his interest in working with her on the projects he found mutually beneficial. But he seems to be well aware of the implications of what he is saying, a seasoned lawyer that he is - “horrendously politically incorrect” and still says it. He himself uses strong words to say this might be very inappropriate - if he meant it just as a passing comment why couch it in defensive words so strong?

And he doesn’t stop there. He also awards her the best picture on Linkedin award. And when I read it, it feels like that’s all he is talking about and by the time he comes to her skills, it’s lost all meaning. It also looks like this guy definitely isn't aware of boundaries when he calls his own daughter hot! 

Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for a minute and say - he did nothing wrong. Let’s consider how Charlotte must have felt. First of all, I totally believe in women’s instinct and the vibes that people give out even online. I am a woman who is active online. I make decisions about who to follow and who not to follow. I have had people compliment on the first chat and it did not feel offensive. And some others did not come out right and gave me second thoughts with what they said even after a few chats. It’s the vibes. Can anyone decide for me? Can you tell me if I should have felt offensive or not? Can even I explain why I get a certain feeling about someone. That’s why it’s called instinct. A woman knows a touch, words, tones - she just knows it! 

Assuming that Charlotte has even average intelligence, I don’t think she would just fly off the handle like this and create a furore. It must have come across as insulting to her. And I totally empathize with her. I am sure she has spent enough years becoming a successful professional and here is this guy only talking about her stunning looks. As an NLP trainer, I know that the onus of communication lies on the speaker, the person who conveys the message. If care is not taken to word/say it properly, don’t blame the receiver. If he is so innocent, I am sure she deserves the benefit of the doubt for being well aware of the implications of what she was doing by writing back. 

And what makes her point stronger is she doesn’t back off amidst the ensuing controversy. But accepts that she is willing to “endure misogynistic backlash that accompanies calling out sexism in hope it encourages at least one woman to feel she doesn’t need to take it.’ This definitely is not a woman who reacted at the spur of the moment, or better still under the influence of hormones - the major contributor to all female tantrums! 

And going by the headlines in newspapers and strewn all over the internet, it is pretty clear to me that once again, Charlotte is the victim. She is being called the Feminazi and isn't being supported by her own gender. If a woman feels insulted, do we question her - worse, even as women or do we support her? If a man chose to inappropriately express himself being fully aware of it being so, what are we doing by judging her? Should we target her with public shaming and silence all other women who may feel offended in the future but choose to endure it silently because we will not support her? Or should we strengthen one voice that had the courage to speak up against what she felt was sexist?

The ball is in your court! 

Are men really villains?

Relax! It's not a fight!
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For centuries now, men have been perpetrators of injustice on women. They are the villains and women the victims. They are supposed to be the rulers of the house and women submit to their will. But has anyone ever wondered how hard it is to be man? How herculean it is to carry the cross of being the strong, responsible ones protecting the rest of mankind? While Feminists are up against anything against women, no one spares a thought about the shackles imposed on being a man. I think they deserve some thought. And so, here’s to the men of the world! 

I think the biggest problem of being a man is just being that is enough to raise suspicions. To get you into trouble. You are always a man first, not a human being. You can’t talk to classmates just because they are girls. You have to be extra careful around them lest anything you say or do is misconstrued. You can’t compliment a colleague because that can amount to sexual harassment at the work place. You cant even behave like a normal person would. If a beautiful woman walks in, what do you do? Not look? Close your eyes? But just looking at her makes you a pervert! And that is so unfair! And if you offer to help a woman on your own, you get stares as if you are a rapist! 

For all the independence and liberty women tom-tom about, it’s the poor man who is always supposed to be the brave one! In all situations. From cockroaches to goons, it’s your job to defend the lady. I mean even you could be scared of that filthy insect, right? But when your woman screams and takes refuge behind you, what option do you have but to bravely brandish the broom and aim at the hapless intruder who seems to be born just to test your bravery! You can’t back out and be a wuss. You have to be formidable at all times and belt out a classy “ Aurat ko kya chhed raha hai be, pehle mujhse baat kar” even as armed goons threaten you in all their ferocity! I mean you are expected to risk your life just because you are a man. Why can’t the liberated woman of the 21st century defend her ass herself? 

And on that note, given the 21st century feminism shit, your whole status quo is royally screwed. What exactly are you supposed to do to earn brownie points? To not be looked up as the villain in women's lives? Earlier, you could just mooch off the hard work of the women of the house. But now you are expected to cook, clean, shop, take care of kids and still suffer condescending looks from women who just don't give you enough credit for trying your best to evolve faster and match the high standards of the modern woman! 

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“Don’t cry like a girl - be a man!"- is an anthem men are taught to follow. Weeping is feminine and not shedding tears is manly. Emotions and tears are a human thing, you say? I agree. What does expressing what you feel have to do with being a man? I concur. But unfortunately, being a man bereaves you of the catharsis that comes with a good howl. The feeling of letting go when you are all knotted inside. But you can’t really do that. At least not in public. I am sorry, man! I really am! 

By virtue of being a man, certain things are just a given about you. You should know how to drive. And should know how to parallel park. You should pay the bill when you go out with a girl. You should earn a good salary right in your 20’s. You should propose first. And spend tortuous, sleepless nights about what the girl’s answer will be. And no, you aren’t expected to know how to cook. Men are raised as Mamma’s darlings and that haunts them for the rest of their lives. Can you imagine what a helpless situation that is to be in when the tummy is growling with hunger? I mean, give men a break!

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And damn the latest Bollywood lot!! Any man with less than 6 pack abs is a loser. And the competition gets really tough to ignore when all girlfriends go drooling over Ranveer Singh and then look at you as a consolation prize. So not pumping iron in the gym with protein shakes in tow is not an option. While women continue to indulge themselves with their favourite desserts because PMS cravings! If you can’t do as many reps as the girls in your unisex aerobics class, they judge you. Like just being a man gives you the strength of Shaktiman or something! Tch! Tch! 

Women can finish school and plonk themselves at home waiting for their well-earning prince charming and holy matrimony. Nope, no such luck for men. If you think they have it easy by just being in the matrimonial market, you are wrong! They work bloody hard to earn the demands their parents make of the bride’s family. And do you think just because women are now successful, independent ones, they'll cut some slack for men after marriage? Nope, house husbands are still not a respectable thing to do in our country. While making too much money makes a woman masculine, not earning well makes men a wuss. Ah! Double standards! 

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This one takes the cake! Men are expected to understand inscrutable phenomenon like PMS and Periods with absolutely no frame of reference in their own life. No, cramping is nothing close to anything a man goes through. And it’s hard to imagine that with a missing uterus in the body. So it worked fine to make jokes about it as a coping mechanism to hide the embarrassment or ignorance or both. Till Feminists made it sound like a crime. As if you are an insensitive bastard who doesn’t care what the other half of the world’s population goes through month after month. Life is challenging for you too! Sigh!

You lose out on all the advantages that come with being a woman. I mean it’s not your fault that you don’t have breasts to attract attention! You aren’t feminine with a curvy frame. Doors don’t magically open for you just by being the gender you are like it does for women. No one moves aside to let you ahead of the queue. No one offers to park your car if you are stuck with it (you are supposed to know it yourself dumbo! You are a man!) No one offers you a seat in public transit. You are treated like an alien and kept out of the women only compartments. You can never reap the miraculous effects of a woman’s sorry face and a plea - “Bhaiya, thoda jaldi karwa dijiye na!” While that works as a wizard’s wand for a woman, no such luck for men. Wish you were endowed with some of that charm, don’t you? 

So, ladies all I am saying is that don’t be in a hurry to judge men. Yes, most of them are good but there are some assholes too! If we have emerged victorious having broken traditional conventions about what a woman should be, I think men also deserve a break. Let’s teach them to cook. And sometimes be the first ones to propose. And leave them alone for a bit of they don’t get the monthly drama of women. The poor fellows have no idea! 

Dear men, this is my humble attempt to bring forth your agony before the world. Kindly forgive me if I hurt your ego and crushed your sense of false self-importance imposed on you by the world. Whatever you feel, drop me a line. Praises, brickbats - all welcome! 

Should women really have it all?

Oh boy! Indra Nooyi kicked off quite a debate that almost refuses to die. She was genuinely speaking from her heart and experience! The people, with all the time under the sun, have deconstructed all that she said and reconstructed their reinterpreted versions of it. There are supporting and dissenting voices all over the internet and everywhere else. Both, from men and women. You can watch the video and decide for yourselves. 

It’s strange that we are proud to declare the same woman a paragon of success when we talk about the most successful women in the world. And yet, when she shares her heart felt feelings about how challenging it has been for her to achieve what she has, we pounce on her as if she was guilty of murder or something. All of us, who probably haven’t been even half way through as much as she has. 

It goes without saying that anything related to the male-female divide is rife with unresolved controversy. Should a woman feel guilty? Should she have a career at the expense of her family? Or should she put family first? Should the man also sacrifice as much? Why expect the woman to put her career at stake while the man enjoys full professional privileges? Care to answer, anyone? 

No, i am not here to defend her and uphold her views as correct. i am not going to launch an attack on the people who disagree and prove them wrong. i am not going to talk about how a woman is the ultimate specimen of self-effacement while she fulfills all her duties. In fact, i am going to do exactly the opposite. 

There are no right answers. But I have questions - why should a woman want to have everything? What was wrong with the ancient system where the women took care of the house and men went out to hunt? Isn’t Nature throwing a broad hint about a woman’s role by giving her, not the man, the ability to bear children? And making man, and not the woman, physically strong enough to face the rigours of bread winning? So, wasn’t she originally meant to be the partner handling the home while he went out to handle affairs outdoors? Why did women think they had to go out into the man’s world and prove themselves? Did men ever want to stir curry with a spatula to validate themselves in women’s world? Isn’t running a household the equal half of being a bread winner? Why is going out and working equated with success and being home in blissful domesticity considered inferior? Who set this as the benchmark of success? Haven’t we, as women, accepted and declared that stepping out of the threshold is a sign of masculinity and staying home and running affairs isn’t? Why did we think we weren’t equals in our domestic roles and attributed superiority to what men did? Are we not cribbing about not getting something we weren’t supposed to achieve anyways? Aren’t we carrying the double cross of producing children and yet trying to prove ourselves successful in male dominions? Have we not forced guilt upon ourselves for not being there for our children in the quest for something that wasn't meant for us in the first place? 

Answers….anyone?