23rd January, 2024 - the day I decided to let go of an identity I lived for over a decade! Just for a bit! Up until then, I truly believed - who else could I be? But in the recent months, I just did not want to be her. Not full time at least. I had been a trainer for more than 2 decades. I had been an entrepreneur for nearly 10 years. That literally defined my identity and it felt like I went on living that without questioning it. Without asking, checking in with myself, if I still wanted2 to be that. Or take a break and check out what else is out there!
While the sabbatical seemed sudden, it actually wasn't. When I announced it on Linkedin and told other friends about it, I realised that things had been simmering below the surface for quite some time. By the end of 2023, I had already decided that I wanted to do more things that qualify as "life" than just pure" work". Some people who heard about the sabbatical confirmed that something did seem off about me and it's a great thing that I decided to take time off.
Others, on the other hand, were surprised! The timing seemed a bit off. And I'd agree objectively. I was doing well from a social and entrepreneurial stand point. I had just hit 21K followers on Linkedin, worked with a business coach to redefine and redirect my business, had successfully launched my 6-figure coaching service and would complete a decade of launching my business! I was, in fact, thinking of a super-premium service in 2024.
The same people wondered if I was afraid to lose my place in the highly competitive world of social media? What if I lost followers? I was giving up at the peak of momentum I had built over the last year, would this be the right time? But I just did not want my life to be defined by social media numbers!
And when it's time to hit pause, it's time! I was just too sick of running in the rate race, too exhausted from showing up every day to create more content - I had no new ideas and no time to read up - and chase up on sales prospects. I felt so one-dimensional stuck in one identity for as long as I could remember. I just wanted to be...just be guilt free! Sleep in, binge watch, not worry about what's on my calendar. And that's what I decided to do!
Like all ambitious people, I did make a really long list of things I'd like to explore during my sabbatical. From hobby classes ranging from Improv to drums circle, watching TED Talks to listening to podcasts, it had a lot of items. I wanted to do a lot of things that my one-track work life wasn't allowing me to do. I also got suggestions from people - you should travel, some said. Why don't you get a PhD, one said!
But first, I just wanted to do nothing. I had been swamped with to-do lists and calendar reminders, newsletters and videos edits and what not. So I set my list aside and I started with doing nothing. I am privileged enough to be able to do that at the drop of a hat and I accepted that with gratitude. It was nice just to know that wouldn't have to wake up feeling anxious about the day ahead and that itself was good enough to begin with.
I had a few things to wind up in February. But apart from that, the sabbatical started well. I started my day with a cup of tea, looking out of my window, enjoying the morning breeze! I can't describe the relief it made me feel! And to think that it was in my hands to press pause and find my bearings.
And once I had the time to check in with myself, I realised that was no much unprocessed emotion knotted inside me. Losing my parents one after the other, health issues, moving homes, managing home and work in the long run takes a toll on us. Turns out it's not just work that I wanted a break from. I wanted to cherish a pause from everything else too. I often joked about reverting to being a housewife in the 50s. I only run the house and do the laundry while my man brings in the money. I like this new identity.
While the list of things I wanted to do was long, the will to do anything on it was non-existent! And I let it be! Making a plan and setting reminders for hobby classes seems awfully close to work. Or simply smacked of mid life crisis calling for help. And I didn't need either. So I continued to be the peaceful tea-drinker who also napped right after breakfast and binge watched to kill boredom! Life was good!
With the spouse mostly traveling that quarter, I had lot of solitude to check-in with myself and sort out a lot of things I was feeling. I don't remember ever feeling this free and unencumbered. I found a new appreciation for life, for the things I have in life. Like good health and numerous other luxuries that we otherwise take for granted.
As part of my mission to focus on "life", I had gotten myself into the Beach House Project for the Goa edition in March. It was 6-day vacation with strangers - God making up for the fact that I never went to school/college excursions! There were people from different professions and it was fun to just be myself rather than hide behind the designation of "entrepreneur-trainer". I found the "sassy and fun" me, someone who did not have to project a professional persona. I had forgotten that I even used to be that person!
As the months passed, I came to realise that time - even when you are not working - has its own ebb and flow. The solitude was intruded upon from time to time and I did have to protect my territory of doing nothing. I forged some new identities, discovered some old ones but a rudderless ship cannot be safe for long. And having been unstructured for so long, I was finding it hard to reign in my indolence long enough to get anything constructive done. As a structured person, drifting through time with no aim gets old quickly. And I had been at it for longer that I ever imagined.
And for whatever reasons, I found myself turning into a crone with no magical powers! And that's no fun! That's an identity I do not want to be a part of me! As of today, I am calling this next part, structured sabbatical so that I can get some of the things on my list done. I'll be getting away just like I'd do for work but I'm going to read up online and free-write, like I've always wanted to do. Also, watch a few TED Talks while I am at it and write some content for Linkedin when inspiration hits!
Here's to the next part of my sabbatical!
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